Howdy trash TV lovers! It’s time to take a peek back into the lives of those wacky gals from Teen Mom 2! With baby daddy drama brewing, uteri swelling with illegitimate babies and divorces looming, you’d think we’d get a more interesting episode than this but…hey, The Ashley did the best she could with what she was given.
Let’s get started!
We kick things off with Kail, who is going with Jo to drop Isaac off for his first day of first grade. After some pretty heartwarming father/son school prep footage, Isaac heads off to school with both his parents. They bid Isaac (armed with a Lunchable, naturally) adieu, and then drive off. They soon realize that they’ll still be in their thirties by the time Isaac enters high school.
Next, we check in to see Chelsea chatting with Other Chelsey (who is quickly morphing into someone who looks like she would be playing Bunco with Chelsea’s mom, South Dee-ko-tah Mary).
Other Chelsey brings up Chelsea’s upcoming bachelorette party. Since Chelsea is in a delicate condition (i.e. knocked up), the bachelorette party will be sans keg stands and men helicoptering their naughties in anyone’s face. Instead, Chelsea and her friend will be heading to the Houska family cabin for a weekend of low-key fun.
The next day, a few of Chelsea’s pals arrive, armed with bagged goodies for Chelsea. One of these goodies is a blowup doll of a naked man. (Hmm…I wonder if he knows Farrah’s blowup doll?) He is fully “equipped” which makes Chelsea really excited.
The girls are busy blowing up the naked man as they shuttle Aubree out to the car. Chelsea reminds her pals not to say anything regarding the gender of her baby, because she doesn’t want MTV to know what she’s having yet. The girls load up and head off to the cabin, with the naked man sitting in the center seat, wing-wanger pointed toward the heavens.
Meanwhile, down in The WV, the twinseses are starting school! Now, as we all know, the schooleses isn’t well in West Virginia, but Leah still piled the girls onto the school bus bright and early, with a lunchbox that was surely full of snack meats and the biggest Thermos of Mountain Dew you ever did-dang see! (Hopefully Leah also remembered to pack a bounty of Sweet ‘n’ Low packets in each lunchbox. I’d imagine kids ’round these parts trade “them packets” like trading cards at school!)
Later that day, Leah fetches the twins from school and makes sure to tell the kids that they better not be leaving any sort of trash in her car. Because, as we all know, Leah is such a stickler for car cleanliness! (I am glad to see that poor Addie is no longer being used as a coat-and-crap rack, though. #ProgressYall)
Aleeah regales Leah with tales from the school bus. Apparently a couple of girls on the bus were telling other kids to shut their pie holes. Leah is alarmed and advises her daughter to stay away from “kids like them,” what with their anti-Christ attitudes and whatnot.
The youngins are “all riled up,” and eventually Addie lands herself a punishment of having to “set” in timeout. Well, you would have though that Duncan Hines just announced that they were no longer making canned frosting. Addie goes crazy, kicking and screaming.
Leah marches Addie and the twins into the house (past an ominous-looking area labelled the “Smoke Hole”…yeah) and plops Addie into timeout. Addie screams the whole time she’s forced to “set” in timeout, but Leah handles the situation well. (She didn’t even have to squirt no dye into the baby’s head or nuthin’!)
In North Carolina, Jenelle is visiting Fat Tony’s. Although “Fat Tony” may seem like the name of one of the many, many local street hoodlums that Jenelle has dated over the years, it’s actually the name of a restaurant that Jenelle, Lurch, and a smattering of their offspring are having lunch at.
Jace looks mildly horrified when Jace informs him that it’s “family time.” When Jenelle reminds him that it’s a good thing for him to get to spend time with her and her Creature of the Month, Jace looks at her like she’s crazy.
“It’s a bad thing!” he tells Jenelle as he looks at Lurch.
Well…yeah, you really can’t blame the kid. I mean, would you want to log time with Lurch and Jenelle?
This is a very special edition of “family time,” however. It’s basically just Jenelle and Lurch bashing Nathan. (Now, don’t get me wrong: Nathan is certainly bash-able. I mean, those muscle tanks alone give me years of ammo, but the bashing shouldn’t be done in front of the kids or cameras.)
Jenelle is angry that Nathan failed to text her back when she texted him to see if Kaiser was still alive.
“I mean, what was he doing?” she said. “He doesn’t have a job.”
Well…that makes three of ya then, Jenelle!
All of a sudden, Nathan texts Jenelle back. (What a coincidence!) He tells Jenelle that she basically sucks at parenting Kaiser as much as she sucks at being a poster child for pregnancy prevention.
Nathan says that Kaiser acts crazy the whole time Nathan has him, and that it’s Jenelle’s fault for not disciplining the kid when he’s at her house. (To be fair, Jenelle probably doesn’t even remember that she’s supposed to be taking care of Kaiser most of the time.)
Lurch gets angry, saying that Nathan should allow Kaiser to do whatever he wants and that the kid has no discipline problems whatsoever when he’s with them. (Um…isn’t this the same kid ol’ Lurch was screaming at last season and calling a “little bitch?” Just sayin’…)
Nathan asks Jenelle if they can discuss Kaiser, but Lurch quickly shoots the idea down, leering at Jenelle as he tells her that she has nothing to discuss with the father of her child.
Jenelle, who has just got her eyebrows all freshly smeared on, must be feeling fancy. She assumes that Nathan wants to speak to her because he’s trying to get back together with her, now that he’s ditched Jessica, (aka 2017’s answer to Ashlee Simpson).
Well, Juh-nelle! I see ya certainly do think highly of ya self, don’t ya!?
“He’s just like, trying to like, suck up to me, like, all the time,” she says.
Or perhaps Nate is trying to secure a lesson in phonetics from a grammatical wizard such as Jenelle, who, like, knows?
Jenelle assures Lurch that she only has eyes for him, and that she is no longer trying to inhale the sweet smell of sweaty manbun a la Nathan.
The next day, Jenelle is sick (and perhaps “seeing molecules” again) so Lurch is charged with dumping off Jace at with Barb and picking up Kaiser from Nathan. On the drive over, Jace tells Lurch that Barb’s house is sometimes boring, so Lurch uses the opportunity to try to once again sell Jace on coming to live with him and Jenelle and their menagerie ‘o’ children. Lurch is telling Jace that he can ride dirt bikes every day and eat ice cream for dinner and basically have a roller coaster in his bedroom, if he can convince The Barb to let him come live with them.
Of course, Jace is seven so he has absolutely no say in where he lives, so it’s kind of cruel of Lurch to say those things. Soon, they meet up with Nathan to fetch Kaiser. The kid starts crying the second Lurch puts his big meaty paws on him. Nathan drives off quickly, hoping to make his 5 o’clock Jazzercise class at the gym.
The kid-exchanging isn’t over yet. Next to pull up into the swamp marshland is Babs, who is there to claim Jace.
“Kaaaaisa!” Babs bellows as she gets out of her car.
Kids are running all over, and no one seems to know which offspring goes to which parent/pseudo-parent/almost step-parent/random hobo sleeping in the marsh. (Oh hi, Kieffa!)
Meanwhile, Leah is headed to the big city to take Ali to her doctor’s appointment. Apparently Mama Dawn and Granny Sandy weren’t able to go (they must’ve been having a sale up there at the Walmart or something), so Leah is taking Ali alone.
They arrive at the hospital in Columbus, and Ali is put through a series of tests to gauge her pain and progress. Soon Dr. Tsao arrives, ready to ruin everyone’s good mood because, well, that’s what Dr. Tsao does.
The doctor is happy to report that Ali is progressing well… but quickly reminds Leah that Ali will probably get worse after a few years.
He then tells Leah that he wants to get Ali’s twin Aleeah tested to see if she’s carrying the same gene for muscular dystrophy that Ali has. Leah is understandably nervous.
After the appointment, Leah calls up Corey to give him an update on Ali, and tell him that the doctor wants to test Aleeah. Corey agrees.
At the Houska Cabin ‘o’ Conception, Chelsea and her friends are running amok with plastic penises on their foreheads (as you do). Chelsea is throwing rings at them (but not, you know, Nuva Rings because this is ‘Teen Mom.’ We can’t have any of those up in here!)
The next day, the gals head to a mystery house. The tour guide warns Chelsea that she will feel strange things happen to her body for short periods of time.
So…it’s probably a lot like having sex with Adam, no?
The house is all wonky, so the girls are able to do a lot of weird things, like roll balls backwards and stand on the walls and stuff. After they finish at the mystery house, Chelsea & Co. load up into the car and drive to the next location. During the drive, one of Chelsea’s friends says something about the baby.
“Shut the f**k up you guys!” Chelsea barks, obviously mad that one of her friends gave the show’s producers a hint about the baby’s gender. Producer Mandi picks up on the hint and figures out that Chelsea is having a boy.
Over in Delaware, Jo is talking to Vee about how well he is getting along with Kail these days. Vee brings up the idea that Jo should file for 50/50 custody of Isaac, and Jo looks like he is about to crap his Calvins just thinking about having to go up against Kail again.
Vee reminds Jo that Kail is constantly depending on him to take Isaac.
“I’m content with the way things are going,” Jo says, making it clear that he’s not trying to get into another sweatpant-fueled brawl with Kail any time soon.
Vee says that she’s kind of tired of having to plan their lives around Kail’s Starbucks trips and vacations.
In North Carolina, Jenelle informs Lurch that her friend “Jelly” (yesss) recently called her up to let her know that Nathan’s been ringing her, trying to see if there’s any way that he could still get into Jenelle’s pants. “Jelly” says that Nathan thinks it’s weird to see Jenelle pregnant. (Um…really? It happens every two to three years so.)
Jelly also reveals that Nathan thinks that he will once again be Jenelle’s Soulmate someday.
Lurch is not amused. He looks like he wants to grab Nathan up by the man-bun and use him as a tetherball.
Speaking of Nathan, he and one of his random beefed-up buddies are sitting around Nathan’s apartment.
“I feel like y’all film on these couches too much,” the friend says.
Well, come on, bro. Where the hell else are they gonna film– the office where one of these knuckleheads works? Or the hospital where Jenelle is performing brain surgery? COME ON! It’s “Teen Mom,’ so scenes are filmed in one of three places: a big, ugly leather couch; the side of the road; or the hospital delivery room. That’s about it, unless it’s a Very Special Episode where one of the girls goes on vacation…or to rehab. Duh.
Nathan tells the producer that ol’ Lurch has been giving him an attitude lately, and that Lurch basically sent him the text message version of “let’s take this outside.” Nathan explains that he told Lurch that he wants nothing to do with Jenelle unless it has to do with Kaiser, and that he won’t try to stand in Lurch’s way when he and their jumble of offspring one day sail off into the swampland sunset.
Nathan admitted to Lurch that he once thought he and Jenelle “was perfect” but that they just couldn’t settle on some issues. (Like what color frame to use to hang your matching mugshots?) Nathan offers to go have a beer with Lurch so that they can talk, but Lurch uses that quick-wit of his to try to make a funny at Nate’s expense.
“He told me that I probably couldn’t even swallow a beer!” Nathan says.
Lurch is just being dumb. I think we all can agree that Nathan probably has no problem swallowing anything…
Nathan is angry that Lurch lashed out, and thinks there’s a lot of jealousy and hormones going around. Nathan assures everyone that he does not want to get back with Jenelle, especially since she is now carrying the Spawn of Lurch in her loins.
In Delaware, Jo comes over to Kail’s place to talk. He has obviously decided to take Vee’s advice and bring up the custody issue with Kail. The second he mentions the word “custody,” Kail’s eyes dart up and she starts glaring at him. She’s not thrilled at the idea of Jo getting more legal custody of Isaac, and Jo looks like he wants to kick himself in the junk for even mentioning it to Kail.
Kail reveals that she’s now unhappy with Vee for putting this custody idea into Jo’s head, and Jo’s trying his best to smooth things over.
We check back in one last time with Jenelle. She and Lurch are once again going to drop off Kaiser with Nathan.
Nathan sends his parents to pick up Kaiser instead of going himself.
“I guess he just doesn’t want to see me,” Jenelle says.
“Little BITCH!” Lurch chuckles, until Jenelle scolds him for making fun of Nathan in front of Kaiser.
After Kaiser is taken from the car, Lurch and Jenelle continue to talk about how awful Nathan is. Jenelle and Lurch are both totally convinced that Nate is petting a feather-filled lock of Jenelle’s hair and crying for Jenelle every night.
That’s all for this week! Let’s hope someone chucks a glass at someone else’s head next week to get things livened up in here!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!