Christmas may not be until December, but MTV decided to give us all an early gift last month in the form of one of its signature Teen Mom “Being” specials. If you loved talking mullets with Butch Baltierra during “Being Butch,” and gabbing about Barbara Evans‘ “bitch of a daughta” on “Being Barbara,” you’re going to love “Being Nathan” starring Jenelle Evans‘ second baby daddy, Nathan Griffith!
We’re aware that this special aired a little while back but…it was too precious to go unrecapped!
Chug that Muscle Milk shake, kids and let’s dive right into the madness!
As the episode begins, Nathan — a man who needs no introduction, but gives us one anyway — treats us to a walk (or should we say wobble) down memory lane of his trials, tribulations and toddler with ex-fiance/soulmate/arrest partner, Jenelle. In the voiceover, Nathan tells us that MTV has been “up in his life” for the past few years, suggesting that he’s annoyed by their presence, but we all know better. Protein powder ain’t cheap, you guys, and from the looks of it, Nathan has been guzzling the stuff by the bucketful since we last saw him!
To the surprise of no one, Nathan reveals he has moved back in with his mom, Doris, and step-dad, Frank, in order to pursue a career in body building.
AS YOU DO.
Unfortunately for our hero, life is not all dead-lifting, spray tans and mooching money off his mom. He has run into a little trouble in recent months and now has a few pending felony charges. Nate may find himself thrown in the clink over an incident involving his ex-girlfriend Jessica (aka the chick that Jenelle chucked a mason jar at.)
But just because he’s a basement-dwelling potential felon, that doesn’t mean Nathan doesn’t have a lot to offer his next soulmate! He tells (or rather warns) viewers that he’s getting back into the dating scene, but is finding it hard to find a girl willing to date him because, in addition to being a basement-dwelling potential felon, he’s also slathered his trainwreck of a life all over MTV.
Of course, according to Nate, it’s just that pesky “media” manipulating his reputation and causing him to be misunderstood.
Bro…you dated Jenelle. You proposed to her and knocked her up. There’s no coming back from that. Once viewers watch you scream “WHY AM I A GUY?” in the back of a police car, it’s basically over.
It’s time to see what it’s like “Being Nathan.” We head over to the gym (of course) to watch as Nate huffs and grunts in the empty gym. In between lifting weights, he stares at himself in the mirror and takes an embarrassing amount of selfies.
#SwoleDog #PecsOnFire #NoDaysOff
Nathan meets with his trainer (who may or may not just be someone he met at the supplement store on the way over to the gym). After his swole sesh the trainer commends Nate on the 7 to 8 percent body fat he’s dropped. That is, coincidentally, the same number of IQ points viewers lost during the first five minutes of watching this monstrosity.
Seriously, guys, what are we doing with our lives here?
As if watching this meathead “get his lift on” isn’t painful enough, we then see him working on his competition poses and evolving into the most intolerable man on TV right before our very eyes. Even Producer Grady, who’s being paid to witness this, can’t help but make fun of him.
Later on, Nathan hops into his convertible and we get a close-up view of his front license plate. It, of course, reads “Beach Bum.” Pretty sure eliminating the first word would make the plate a lot more fitting. Just sayin’…
Nathan heads out in the Bum Mobile to grab some free lunch with his one random friend who was willing to sign a waiver to appear in this mess. Nathan begins to tell him about the new girl in his life down in Florida that he recently met online. He tells his friend and Producer Grady that his latest soulmate feels uncomfortable being on camera, which is why she is missing in action for this special.
He also attempts to justify his current living situation of loafing in his mom’s basement, saying that he’s “in limbo” because of the pending charges against him. Why start paying rent when you’re about to get “three hots and a cot” at the Big House for the foreseeable future.
The next day, we’re back in Nathan’s Ken Doll-esque ride, this time with Nate’s mom Doris sitting shotgun and going on about the strong children she raised. Nathan interrupts to tell her she’s stuck with him forever and we can almost feel her heart rate increase at the thought of this Creatine-chomping manchild becoming a permanent fixture in her home.
Nathan follows up the statement to his mom with a lecture on not touching the mirrors in his car. He tells her he “tries to teach every women” — that’s right, women, not woman — something about housework or something…
His statement, much like his existence in general, makes very little sense.
To top it off, Nathan chastises Doris for making fun of him while the cameras are on and begins coaching her on not making a joke out of him like the rest of the world inevitably will.
Back at Doris’ House of Arrested Development, producers ask Nathan if he thinks he has a drinking problem, given his plethora of DUIs, numerous alcohol-related incidents and the fact that was usually a slurring mess on ‘Teen Mom 2.’ (To be fair, he was dating Jenelle at the time. That’s enough reason to hit the sauce in itself.)
Nate’s response is “Classic Nathan.”
“Who doesn’t have a DUI these days?” he replies.
During this conversation, Nathan exhales an obnoxious amount of vapor which is serendipitous in that he is literally and figuratively blowing smoke.
Side note: While he can lift things up and put them down, Nathan has yet to learn how to correctly pronounce the word “successful.” Luckily for him, he’ll probably never need to, as the chances of him actually becoming successful are lower than his body fat percentage.
It’s almost competition time and we see Nate packing and preparing to hit the road. He busts out his badass warm-up suit (from an Old Navy shopping bag, natch) to show Producer Grady, who notes the custom “logo” featuring the words Alpha and Ego.
“There ya go, nice and cocky,” Grady says, while mentally drafting his two-week resignation notice to MTV for making him deal with this crap.
As if Producer Grady hasn’t been through enough, Nathan decides to make him his pseudo-therapist and discuss the (complete lack of ups and) downs of his love life. Nathan tells Grady he’s been single for a whole six months, which is the longest period of singledom Nathan has ever had.
During the conversation, Nathan admits he was never in love with Jenelle. (We can only imagine the string of “dudes” and profanity coming from “The Land” at this moment in response to this statement.)
After successfully (Nathan’s favorite word) arriving in Charleston, Nathan makes himself at home in his hotel room. Being the pro athlete that he is, Nathan is traveling in style with his trusty Old Navy shopping bag, packets of tuna and food scale. You know… the necessities.
(At this point, the entire episode feels more like a Saturday Night Live skit than a ‘Teen Mom’ special. It seriously hurts so good…)
He strips off his shirt immediately after entering his room (as you do) and takes in a quick six ounces of what may possibly be cat food.
Doris arrives to support Nathan. (She’s probably just happy he now has a hobby other than fighting with Jenelle on the toilet and knocking crazy chicks up.) Doris brings Nate’s son Kaiser with her and Nathan gives him his very own shirt featuring the weird logo he designed. Jesus God Leah, hasn’t “The Roll” been through enough?
After spending 2.9 seconds with his kid, Nathan says his goodbyes so he can focus on some important tasks. For starters, he has to go get his body spray-tanned. Before he can go gets bronzed, though, he attempts to make poor Producer Grady his designated back shaver.
In a moment of clarity, Grady realizes he’s not paid enough for this gig and hands the razor over to Doris. (He then most likely retreats to his hotel bathroom to vomit and wonder what the hell happened to his life.)
Mother of the Year Doris lathers up her son’s back with shaving cream and begins her work, ridding her son of his fur and herself of her dignity.
Before long though, Nathan is losing his cool and finally reaches his breaking point when Doris nicks his hair line, sending him into a fit of apparent ‘roid rage.
Seriously, kids, don’t even bother watching any horror movies this Halloween season. The image of Nathan screaming at his mom while she shaves the fur off his back is scarier than anything you’ll see in any movie.
As Nathan kickstarts his adult temper tantrum in the bathroom, Grady and the sound guy are struggling to stifle their laughter on the other side of the wall. Nathan then kicks the cameras out of the room so he can Hulk out without there being any video proof.
It’s finally competition day and while Nathan is no longer seeing red, we’re all seeing orange thanks to his spray tan. He looks Snooki after she fell into a vat of Cheeto dust.
Doris (who also got a shirt – lucky lady!) brings Kaiser by the hotel room so he can visit with Nathan before the competition. Nathan is obviously super appreciative of the gesture and greets them both without looking up from his phone.
Before heading out once again, Doris tells Nathan she’d give him a kiss but doesn’t want to mess up his makeup. I mean…that joke just kind of writes itself, doesn’t it?
Meanwhile, Kaiser is searching the room for food to sneak back with him to “The Land,” only to find a lone tuna packet. (It looks like it’s another week of cold hot dogs in the Crib of Doom for The Roll!)
After some spray-tan-laced goodbye kisses, Doris and Kaiser head out and Nathan tries (and fails) to be funny by begging Grady for a kiss, too. #SaveGrady
At the competition, Nathan awkwardly struts his orange body to an nearly empty crowd. After judging, he is dismissed from the stage and even though the results will not be revealed until later that day, Doris says Nathan is under the impression he will be “dead last” in the results. Right on cue, Nathan calls for the cameras to be cut and storms into the hotel like the juiced-up diva that he is.
Clearly it was that shaving nick that did him in! Damn it! Doris ruined everything with her wayward lady shaver!
After recovering from his third meltdown of the special, Nathan tells his mom he’s worried he will not make top five in the competition. For once, he’s actually spot on about something. He fails to place during the awards ceremony. While leaving the competition, Nathan has a heart-to-heart with Kaiser about losing — a couple of things Kaiser knows plenty about given the fact that his parental figures are Nathan, Jenelle and David.
Back in Nathan’s hotel room, Doris tells Grady that she thinks body-building is stupid but nevertheless, she is proud of her son.
That pride likely dissipates when Nathan tells her his plan to look for an “after venue” so he can go get his drink on that night. We see him pre-game with some red wine in a paper hotel cup. (He’s all class, baby!) Once again, Nathan announces that he’s done filming for the night. With that, our orange hairless wonder heads out into the night in search of a drink and/or a little pickle tickle.
The next day, Nathan tells Producer Grady he’s depressed about not placing at the competition… but in an effort to ease that burn (and probably gain a different kind in the process) he “had a good night” with a random girl he picked up outside the hotel and the two are going to grab lunch before he heads back home.
Producer Grady probes Nathan about the girl in Florida that he’s somewhat dating and Nathan tells him to “just roll with it.”
Unlike Nathan’s girl in Florida, Becky the HOtel girl is down to have her mug on MTV and score a free meal at the Tiki Hut in the process. While getting their drink on, she tells Nathan she didn’t know anything about him other than the fact that he has a kid with Jenelle… yet somehow she managed to recognize him and know who Jenelle is.
Nathan takes the opportunity to lay it all out on the table and school her on his pending charges and what they include. She looks mildly afraid (and grateful that MTV has security guards present) as she learns that the dude she just boned is being charged with first degree burglary and highly aggravated domestic violence.
Becky asks if he did the things he’s being accused of, to which Nathan asks, “Do I look like a violent person?”
Yes, as a matter of fact you do, Nathan. Those bulging forehead veins certainly don’t help your plight.
Nathan tells his new Special Friend that he could potentially do some time in prison for the charges, causing Becky with the Bad Taste to look at Producer Grady and declare, “What a catch.”
Nathan attempts to redeem himself by trying to sound smart. He starts talking about Sir Issac Newton and we can almost feel Newton turning over in his tomb at the very thought of this orange crapnozzle mentioning his name.
We then see Grady reach out to Nathan’s ex-girlfriend Jessica to get her side of the story about the alleged domestic violence incident with Nathan. She meets up with Grady and the MTV crew in a coffee shop to chat about Nathan. Jessica tells them the abuse from Nathan happened nearly every night and that she had covered for him in the past.
Jessica explains that, on the night in question, her roommate walked in to find Nathan strangling her. She also tells a story about him locking her in a closet. After telling some more gruesome tales of Nathan’s violent ways, Jessica says she went to counseling for domestic violence victims and is doing much better after that 189 pound weight loss.
Back at his mom’s house, Nathan is working the grill and Doris is working the camera. She reveals to Grady that the only reason she decided to be filmed was to have an opportunity to talk about the military and PTSD, which she blames for Nathan’s issues. Instead of being appreciative that his mom is trying to justify his actions, Nathan gets mad and tells Doris she is making the military look bad.
Later that night, the subject comes up again while Nathan is in the other room (probably flexing) and Doris says she’s seen a lot of changes within Nathan, mainly regarding his anger, since he left the military. Once again, Nathan walks in and freaks out on his mom, demanding the crew go home.
The crew obviously doesn’t give in to Nathan’s demands (at least this time) because we see Doris, Frank and Nathan sit down to eat dinner. The family says grace and digs into the grub Nathan cooked up, which doesn’t appear to contain any weird powders or packet tuna for once.
Nathan tells his mom he’s going out after dinner. Doris doesn’t seem too excited about this and tells him he knows the rules, so he replies that he won’t be coming home that night.
While pacing between rooms, we hear Nathan talking to a girl on the phone about hotel plans for the night. He then warns the crew that they better not use the footage for fear that it will ruin things with his Sunshine State soulmate.
As Nathan heads to his room to search for a tight shirt and some embellished jeans to rock on his one night stand, Doris tells Frank, “silence is golden,” which are clearly words that Frank lives by as he has not spoken a word during the entire special.
Fresh off his romantic night at the motel, Nathan is meal prepping (#gains) in the kitchen and chatting with Doris. Nathan tells his mom that she’s always been a good mom and that he’s “just a prick.” Doris just kind of chuckles and is like, “Well…yeah…”
The two then talk about the upcoming court case and Doris gets emotional, saying that she did not raise a criminal. She tells him that she believes that God will protect Nathan if he has to go to jail.
Oh, the Big Bubbas up in the South Carolina pen are gonna love Nathan. He’ll no doubt have plenty of new friends as soon as he walks in the door and asks where the food scales are.
Grady asks Nathan if he’s prepared to possibly head to jail and he rambles off while Doris attempts to hold it together.
“Like, I’m jumping off a 30 feet cliff right now and hoping there’s water under it,” Nathan says.
Oh, Nate, stop being so DRAMASTIC!
As the special wraps up, Nathan tells viewers that a year from now he could be pursuing a career in body-building, or fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming a cop or saying goodbye to his family and heading to prison. We should probably add a fourth and very probable scenario to that list: still taking too many gym selfies and shamelessly collecting checks from MTV.
Meanwhile, we may be setting up a GoFundMe page for poor Producer Grady, who will undoubtedly need years of therapy to recover from the events of filming the “Being Nathan” special.
To read our other ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!