Well, another season of The Bachelorette has come and gone, ending with the requisite proposal in front of a lush tropical background, complete with ‘surprised’ screams of “Oh my god!” from the Bachelorette, immediately followed by an hour-long, over-the-top sap fest (otherwise known as the “After the Final Rose” special.) Gag me with a spoon!
Ali could have saved us all a lot of time (and poor Chris L. a lot of heartbreak) by just jumping Roberto’s bones in episode two and salsa-ing into the sunset with him. All along, we viewers kind of knew he was going to be the one standing there at the end with the Neil Lane diamond. His only competition the entire season was Frank, and when he bailed out, Roberto knew it was going to be muy bueno for him at the end.
So what the hell happened? All of the tabloid rags were promising that “Ali Breaks the Rules” and “The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!” I was expecting something actually exciting, like Ali getting the last two guys out to olive oil wrestle for the chance to propose. Or, Chris L. to flip out after he’s dumped for Roberto, only to come back and heave the happy couple over a Tahitian cliff. Did I get that? Heck, no. The whole episode was pretty much a snooze fest with makeout sessions weaved in intermittingly.
The Ashley will break down the highlights for those of you who actually are self-respecting people and couldn’t bear to actually watch this crap. So basically, we start off in Bora Bora, and it’s down to two: Lusty Latino, Roberto and Happy-go-Lucky Chris L. It’s time for the men to meet Ali’s family. Roberto is the first up, and Ali is clearly smitten with him, as she practically mauls him as soon as she sees him. They head to the Hut ‘o’ Fedotowsky, where Ali’s family is waiting on a Mimosa-filled porch. (Keep the liquor flowing, it makes people say stupid things and makes for great TV!)
Why do white people always feel the need to bust out their lame, junior high Spanish whenever they’re within 10 feet of a Hispanic person? “Mucha Grass-ious, senior.”
We met Ma Fedotowsky, Pa Fedotowsky, and Ali’s brother and sister. LOL at Ali’s sister who constantly refers to him as “Robaaaaarto.” Easy there, we know you successfully passed Spanish 1 in high school, there’s no need to go on a tongue-rolling frenzy.
The rest of the visit is pretty much a bore. Ali is pretty much sitting on Robaaaaarto’s lap for most of the visit. Roberto tells Pa Fedotowsky that he is totally in love with Ali and is ready to propose. Pa gives his blessing. I mean, who wouldn’t? After all, he did know him for over an hour….that’s clearly enough time to judge if this guy is a good person and would make a good husband for your daughter. The meeting ends in true, stereotypical Latino fashion: family salsa lesson! OMG, gag me with a habanera-laced spoon!
Next up is Chris L. Ali runs to meet him and gives him an “enthusiastic” mandatory hug and takes him to meet the clan. Ma is clearly smitten with Chris, especially after it’s mentioned that he’s from Massachusetts.
It’s a happy 10 minutes of getting to know each other and then Chris lowers the morbid boom by (of course) mentioning his dead mom. Ma Fedotowsky feels like a dick because she was the one that asked how his mom feels about this. (Um…couldn’t the producers have mentioned not to ask about the mom beforehand? Of course not! Let’s make the man cry! Good TV!)
The visit ends with the whole clan jumping into the ocean. LOL at Ali’s mom, who wears pants while swimming. (“You want me to wear a bathing suit on primetime? Bitch, you crazy. My cellulite will be all over the blogs tomorrow. I think not. I’m wearing my yoga pants.”)
Moving along, she has a final date with Robaaaarto, which includes kissing in the rain, private beach picnics and more kissing than a soft-core HBO p0rn movie. It always gets uncomfortable to watch because every time Robaaarto says something, Ali just kisses him. Ease off the gas, killer. There’s time for that. First you have to dump Chris L.!
Deciding that, as we all knew all along, Chris doesn’t have a prayer, she decides to spare him the embarrassment of choosing a ring and proposing the next day. She decides to dump him right now. He’s all set for his final date with Ali, but when he opens the door, she pulls a Frank and says “We need to talk.” (No feeding of stingrays and kissing in the rain for you!)
Chris takes the dumping well, and is appreciative that she didn’t make him go through the whole process, only to be dumped at the end.
That’s leaves Robaaaarto, who proposes to Ali at the end. Ho-hum. Cue the lame photo montage backed by “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” (No, seriously.) Get it, because they danced in the Lion King together during an episode? Yeah, me neither. But at least it was better than last season’s “On the Wings of Love” montage. Sort of.
Here they advertise for the “After the Final Rose” special, which immediately follows the episode. I wasn’t going to watch it until later. However, the advertisement shows some arguing and promises “It’s.Not.Over.Yet.” So I end up watching it.
What a disappointment.The special ends up being an hour-long declaration about how much of an “amazing man” Robaaarto is and how lucky they are to have each other, how it was amazing journey which they gave everything up to find love, and how they get to have a free trip to Catalina Island. No dirt. No drama. Gag me with a spoon.
Will they last? Who knows…obviously the odds are against them, but I don’t think America has the same “what a joke” feelings about Ali and Roberto that they did about Vienna and Jake. They just may make it, unless of course, Ali wants to be an actress. If so, expect a tell-all fight fest between the two of them in less than six months. I can’t wait!