It’s that time again! Put your college degrees away! Hide your high IQ scores! It’s time to dwell on the reality TV ocean floor and watch a show that literally depletes your intelligence with each episode you watch.

It’s Bachelor time, y’all!

Well, as you faithful readers know, there’s not much The Ashley enjoys more than a fresh season of the Bachelor. She loves it all. The bad extensions. The cheap prom dresses with rhinestone accents. The constant claim that people have “put their hearts on the line.” Yum. I love this crap.

The episode starts out with the obligatory quote from Chris Harrison: “this season of the Bachelor promises to be the most shocking yet.” Um, again? Are they going to make the women strip naked and run through a Turkish prison before they’ll have a chance to go on a group date with this schmuck? No? Then stop saying crap like that. It’s going to be more of the same stuff that we had every other season: someone’s family member died, making it hard for them to trust again; someone is going to randomly leave and then beg to come back; one girl will be hated by all the other ones and constantly cry about it and annoy me. It’s always the same. And I love it.

Anyway, as you know, this season’s Bachelor is Brad “Left Both Girls Crying” Womack. He was the Bachelor in 2007 and ended up ditching both girls in the end. After he did that, all of the women in America were supposed to hate him. I guess I didn’t get the memo. Was he supposed to pretend to like those chicks for a few months, do a few photo opps and then bail like most of the Bachelors do? Would that have been better?

So Brad proceeds to tell us all about how miserable he was after the Bachelor. Que the cheesy rain scene and sad music when he tells us it caused him to “hit rock bottom” and become a hermit. Tear.

But wait! Brad then tells us (que the optimistic adult contemporary tune) that he has been in therapy! He’s changed! He is ready to find love. (He apparently also found a gym because the shots of him shirtless were enough to make my loins quiver. Holy Toledo that man has a built chest!)

To prove Brad has changed, they even wheeled out Brad’s therapist. The good doc confirmed that, yes, Brad isn’t a douchebag anymore. Bring on the ladies!

Not so fast…first, Chris Harrison asked Brad if he wishes he could apologize to the girls he dumped (Jenni and DeAnna). Brad, the dimwit, smiles and nods like he has no idea what’s about to happen. Guess who’s here?! Jenni and DeAnna! How convenient! They start heading towards Brad, who acts like he is in total disbelief that they could possibly be rounded up and brought back to the mansion.

They sit down, both with their wedding rings gleaming towards the camera to show that they’ve moved on. Jenni is the nicer of the two; DeAnna sits scowling at Brad most of the time.  We find out that DeAnna is engaged (to read more about her potential ‘Brady Girls Get Married’ wedding click here.) We also find out that Jenni is married. (I’ll save you the googling; here’s a pic of her with her husband. He’s a cosmetic dentist- cha ching! $$$$)

 

It got pretty boring after that, so let’s move on to the gals. Brad remarks to Chris “I’m worried what will happen when they find out it’s me. What if they leave?” Um…don’t worry Brad, they won’t leave. They want to be on TV, even if it means sucking face with you for a couple of episodes.

They pull up to the mansion in the limos and find out (seemingly for the first time- I doubt that though!) that the Bachelor is none other than “Dump ‘Em All” Womack! The first girl out of the limo walks up and slaps him for “all the women in America.” Um…scripted much? You know they totally rounded up all the girls and asked which one would be willing to slap him. Gag.

Other notable girls include Ashley, a gagingly sweet girl that reminds me of Tenleywith a Southern accent. Then there’s Meghan, who shows up wearing some horrible Frankenstein Spice Girl shoe/heel things.  Then there’s the token single moms- Emily (who I love) and Michelle (who I’m jealous of because of her awesome eyebrows.) We’ll undoubtedly have to hear about their kids all season long.

Then there’s Madison, who decides to wear fangs. (As you do.) Every girl knows that Dracula teeth add that extra touch of class to an evening look. (In my opinion she’s trying too hard to be mysterious and different. She’s just annoying.)

Once the girls find out that Brad is the Bachelor, they all start attacking him and saying mean things. What the hell is going on here? All he did was not choose a girl in the end. Everyone’s acting like the new Bachelor is O.J. Simpson or something. Good God people, relax!

Anyway, it’s the normal cocktail party scenario: girls are stealing Brad away from each other, girls are getting catty, and of course, doing stupid tricks for attention (um, I know let’s wax our hands! Hey, look, my waxing materials are here at the mansion! What a coincidence!)

The only thing that was mildly interesting after this point is when Brad goes to talk to Madison and is staring at her fangs. You can tell he’s trying to decide if he should acknowledge them or not, possibly thinking that she just has unfortunate teeth and is not wearing a prop. That made me laugh my ass off!

 

So anyway, Brad gives 10 ladies the boot. He keeps Fang Girl, Waxing Girl, both moms and gets rid of the boring ones. Only one girl cried though, I was kind of bummed. But I thought about it; they have a right to cry. If out of 30 women I was one of the 10 that got dumped on the first day, I’d cry too.

Next week– more roses, more broken hearts and hopefully, more bad hair styles!!!

I love this crap!