We’re down to the Final 3 on The Bachelor, which means one thing: it’s Fantasy Suite Week, kids! This is the week that all of those fathers that we met last week will be hiding their head in shame as they watch their daughters romp around a hot tub and/or Fantasy Suite bed with Ben the Bore, right after some other guy’s daughter just did the same thing.
Anyway, only Courtney, Lyndzi and Nicki remain in the game, and the ladies and Ben head to Switzerland to see how “this adventure” will end. Switzerland was an interesting choice for the end location…isn’t it ‘Bachelor’ law that these people have to end up in some tropical location?
Ben tells us that he can see himself ending up with all three girls. Here’s a hint: if you can see yourself marrying three different women, you shouldn’t marry any of them. That means none of them is the right girl for you.
Ben says he likes the way the Nicki makes him feel. (Just wait until you get her in the Fantasy Suite, Benny!) He says that she’s the ‘dark horse’ of the competition. That’s code for ‘she has no chance in hell.’ He tells us that he loves how funny and honest Lyndzi is, but that there’s a strange magical force that pulls him to Courtney. Yeah, it’s either magic or the fact that she lets you see her boobies and hoo-ha on the regular. Either one.
Once he arrives in “The Switz,” Ben first meets up with Nicki who reminds us that she’s “totally in love with Ben.” Naturally. They take off in a helicopter(!) and fly over the Swiss Alps. I’m not happy. This date is way too cool to go to people as lame as Ben and Nicki. Why not take The Ashley along for some comical relief? Just sayin’….
Anyway, they head to the top of a mountain for a romantical picnic.This scene is just ridiculous. There they are, sitting on top of a mountain discussing how in love they are when, in fact, they don’t know squat about each other. Instead of dropping them off on some majestic mountain, why not helicopter them over to the Dollar General for some grocery shopping, followed by an exciting trip to the laundry mat? If you really get to know someone, wash their chonies. If you still like each other after that date, then maybe you’ll have a shot!
Next Ben and Nicki head to a log cabin for dinner. Ben pulls out a stump for Nicki to sit on (not that kind of stump, sickos! That only happens in the Fantasy Suite!) They start to discuss their future children and we learn that Ben wants at least four spawn, telling Nicki “the more the merrier!” Once he’s gotten her reproductive organs in a tizzy, he decides to pull out the Fantasy Suite card and invite her to spend the night with him.
She tells us that it’s been over a year-and-a-half since she broke up with her ex-husband/gotten freaky and she’s ready to let Ben “know how she is feeling.” I’m expecting to see a product placement for Trojan condoms very soon!
They hop into the in-room hot tub and seeing Ben all bubbled up and trying to look sexy is just making me feel kind of awkward and ill. It’s kind of like walking in on your brother in the tub or something.
The next day, after taking care of business with Nicki the night before, Ben meets up with Lyndzi for their date. She runs to him all open-mouthed and giggling. She’s kind of like Marsha Brady on crack, no?
Ben explains that they will be repelling down into a big ravine. The Swiss man running the repel thing tells the couple that in order to do this you must be both physically and mentally strong or you could crash 300 feet to your death. (If Ben dies, I get Scotch the Dog, ok?)
After they whine about being afraid of heights and the like, Ben and Lyndzi reach the bottom and head to…wait for it…a hot tub to discuss how Lyndzi has really “opened up” to Ben lately. Ben is hoping that she’ll continue to “open up” once they hit the Fantasy Suite. But first, he has to appease her and tell her that he has feelings of lasting love for her.
Lyndzi explains (again) that she had her heart broken a year ago and that makes her feel vulnerable. She literally squeezes the word “vulnerable” into the conversation about 15 times. Luckily I was staring at the large zit on her cheek for most of the time so I didn’t really notice.
Anyway, Ben presents the Fantasy Suite card and Lyndzi acts super surprised and pretends she had no idea that it was coming. She explains that while she doesn’t normally just jump into the sack with a guy, she’ll make this exception because it’s Ben and, you know, it’s on TV.
She says she has to be vulnerable and just let Ben in. I think he will take you up on that, literally.
After Ben has fire-hosed his crotch off after his night with Lyndzi, it’s time to spend the day with Courtney. They hop on a train to see the sights of Switzerland, and Ben marvels that he can hear church bells in the background. (Maybe Courtney plan another fake, creepy wedding for them?)
They arrive in a small town and go fetch food and cheese for a picnic. They sit down to eat and the conversation quickly turns to Courtney expressing her remorse for treating the other girls like crap. Ben says that her acting like a crap-goblin made things really hard for him and Courtney squeezes out a few fake tears so that it appears that she’s remorseful for her actions.
She apologizes and Ben, being the true idiot that he is, believes her. Finally, it’s time to bust out the Fantasy Suite card. Courtney tells him that “this is a big step.” Give me a freaking break! How is this any bigger than frolicking naked with Ben in the ocean?
Ben says he’s ready to take their relationship to the next level (re: get it on). He can hardly contain his excitement as he realizes that he’s actually going to get to bone a real-life model. (Bucket List: CHECK!) They climb into a wooden hot tub and you totally know that Ben is hoping all of his old Dungeons and Dragons buddies from high school are watching tonight!
Before we get to see which one of these tricks gets the boot, we have to sit through an “exclusive preview” of Emily Maynard‘s new life as The Bachelorette. Former ‘Bachelorettes’ Ashley and Ali arrive to “help” Emily prepare her for the upcoming season. I wonder if Emily and Ashley realize the fact that they both boned Brad Womack? Ew.
Anyway, the girls chat it up and then get dolled up to go to a showing of “Titanic” in 3-D. Can anyone tell me why they got all dressed up like they were going to some white trash debutante ball? They’re just going to the movies for heaven’s sakes. Am I the only one that doesn’t wear a 3-inch Spandex dress and stripper heels to go catch a chick flick?
Anyway, back to ‘The Bachelor.’ Ben is at his hotel when, all of a sudden, there’s a knock at the door! He’s shocked to see Kacie B. standing there! She’s traveled all the way to Switzerland for a very important purpose. (Wouldn’t it be cool if she told him she was pregnant?! Jerry! Jerry!)
Unfortunately, she’s only there because she’s still devastated that she got cut last week and is dying to know why. Ben basically tells her that her family is kind of loony tunes and they creeped him out. He also says that he cut her when he did because he didn’t want to drag it out any longer. (Kind of like she’s doing now…)
She is rattling on and on about how much she loved him and Ben is just sitting there awkwardly. He keeps making these crazy faces that basically say “please make the crazy girl stop talking!”
In a final act of desperation, Kacie tells Ben that Courtney will break his heart and that he shouldn’t choose her. Ben looks like he literally wants to hit her in the face with a snow shovel. He’s sighing, rolling his eyes and finally just tells her to hit the bricks…again. He slams the door in her face and Kacie lays on the hotel floor (ew) to “let it all soak in.”
Girl, get up off the floor! You look like a damn fool. You’ve managed to weasel a free trip to Switzerland out of the producers; go live it up! Forget about Ben and his greasy mop of hair and go make out with some hot Swiss ski instructor or something. Good Lord!
Ben is still reeling from his conversation with Kacie, but it’s time to go to the rose ceremony. He pretends like he’s confused, but we all pretty much know what’s going to happen here. He faces the three girls he’s just pickle-tickled and tells them that they were all incredible. Ew.
He presents the first rose to Lyndzi, and Courtney and Nicki wait with baited breath to see which one of them will get the boot. He gives the rose to Courtney, and Nicki is horrified. She says she feels like a fool. Um, you think? That’s what happens when you “fall in love” with a guy after three weeks. The Pity Wagon comes to scoop her up and take her back to the good ol’ U.S.A. and Ben goes back inside to meet his remaining two girls.
In two weeks, we will get to see good versus evil (Lyndzi versus Courtney) battle it out for Ben’s heart. I just hope Lyndzi is wearing a bulletproof vest under her ballgown, in case Courtney goes ballistic if she doesn’t get picked!