Crystal Rocks Out with her Teeth Out! Last Night’s Idol Review

American Idol Missing Teeth
Ryan: “Wait, you’re missing a tooth?!” Crystal: “Only one!”

Last night’s American Idol had two special guests, the first being teeny-bop sensation Miley Cyrus who was the group’s mentor. The second was some new shiny pearly white teeth for Ms. Bowersox! (Am I wrong? Didn’t she get her teeth whitened?!)  It looks like the ol’ Idol producers set her grill up with some Crest White Strips.

American Idol
“My teeth feel tingly!”

Still, she looked great (I loved her hair and dress). More importantly, she sounded great, singing one of my all-time favorite songs, “Me and Bobby McGee” by the great Janis Joplin.

I loved it because, even though she is obviously compared to Janis due to their somewhat similar voices and looks, Crystal didn’t choose to do the cliché Janis performance with deep wailing and screams and Janis-isms. She made it sound different and great.

Making it even better was the obvious look of utter disgust that was all over her face. She can’t believe that her life has come down to being on a show like ‘American Idol’ and performing for people who obsessively over-use the word “dawg.” Hey, mama needs a paycheck. Those commuters in the subway station just aren’t as generous to singing street urchins as they used to be.

Also taking on one of the greatest voices of all time, Queen singer Freddie Mercury, was Tim Urban. I felt the need to wretch when I heard that the Cabbage Patch Kid was taking on “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” It had all the bad dancing, off-pitched notes and goofy grins of a bad Six Flags performance….just add sequins. Don’t worry Tim, Bugs Bunny and the gang are just waiting to welcome you to their theme park.

Perhaps the worst of the night, even taking the prize from The Cabbage Patch Kid was Paige Miles (who?!?) After last night, everyone will remember who she is, namely for performing “the worst vocals of the season.” (That’s from Kara, not me.) Poor Paige, if you are the worst vocals of the season, and you were on a season with Haeley Vaughn, you’re in sad, sad shape.


2 Responses

  1. LOL!!! Oh Ashley, I love your reality recaps because you speak the truth. BTW, nothing says better on your Clown cake from Costco than “Way to Fuck it Up..” (in cursive) on it.

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