Jake & Vienna’s Televised Screaming Match Reunion: WTF Was That?!?

That’s it. Monday nights will probably be all downhill from now on.

There’s no way anything can compete with The Greatness That Was Last Night.

To the producers of the Bachelor, who love to capitalize on grief and smut as much as I love hearing about it, I would like to say thank you. Jake and Vienna’s “very special reunion” was probably the best 45 minutes of viewing pleasure I’ve seen in years.

Come on, Vienna, you can do better than that. I've seen better fake tears on episodes of "Full House."

It’s not big news when a Bachelor or Bachelorette relationship ends. These people meet, get whisked away to exotic locations, flood their livers with alcohol and are pressured into getting engaged after a few weeks. Naturally, after a few months when they finally learn about these people that they once called “their soul mate”, most of these relationships bite the big one. So it was no surprise when Jake and the big, bad Vienna Sausage broke up.

"Must...squeeze...a...few...drops...out..."

However, over the last week, these two media whores have used tabloids, TV and any other media outlet they can shove their creepy faces on to make themselves look good and the other person look bad. (Thanks for that, by the way.) So the Bachelor decided to host a very special reunion, bringing these two people who essentially hate each other, to sit on a wicker bench together and rip each other’s faces off! Dog fight!

Of course, it was an all-out game of “he said, she said,” with both Jake and The Sausage coming out looking like dipshits. However, we did learn a few things:

1)      Vienna is possibly one of the worse fake-criers this side of Chris Brown. Honey, if you’re going to attempt to collapse into tears, at least make your sobbing somewhat convincing. Your eye makeup wasn’t even smudged, and when Chris Harrison handed you a tissue, you forgot to dab your eyes. Rub some onion in your eye before going out next time.

2)      Jake is actually a total dick. The smug face and retorts he delivered throughout the entire special (almost) made me side with Vienna. I can totally see how he could be an arrogant (and possibly violent) guy. Who knew America’s Sweetheart had a Charlie Sheen-esque dark side?

3)      Baby, Jake’s got text messages.

4)      If you hate Los Angeles and all you want to do is go home to your family and back-from-life-support dog in Florida, the best thing to do is to get a job in Los Angeles and then tell everyone where you’re working. This will help you to maintain a “normal” life.

5)      It’s very bad to “undermine” your man in a relationship. However, the definition of “undermining” is different in Jake Land. For him “undermining” includes (but is not limited to): using a GPS, moving furniture, interrupting, etc.

6)      Jake Pavelka is the GPS-shot putting champion of Los Angeles.

7)      Discussion of doggie potty-training doesn’t make for good television. When Vienna and Jake start snipping at each other about Vienna’s dog’s droppings, Chris Harrison puts the lid on it, telling them “We don’t really care about the dog.” Yeah, get to the good stuff: sex, sluts and lies!

8)      Vienna needs all of the sex. She accused Jake of not wanting to kiss her (or do anything else to her) for months. Um, how can he kiss you if you never shut your pie hole! Stop talking and maybe he would have slipped you the tongue on occasion. Oh, ew.

9)      Interruption. Make Jake. Angry.

So who’s right? Both of them and neither of them. Does it really matter? All I know is that I hope we will soon get to see Ali and whatever schmuck she ends up picking clawing each other’s eyes out come December or so!

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