Bachelor Pad: It’s Just as Bad as You Can Get—And It’s My New Favorite Show!

Raise your hand if you're an attention-whoring drain on society! Yeah...that's what I thought.

Back in June when The Ashley first heard about Bachelor Pad, she was so excited about this latest Bachelor franchise spawn that she nearly peed herself with excitement. Two episodes in and it’s already better than I could have ever hoped. This week’s episode was full of ups and downs (and I’m not just referring to activities that were taking place in the contestants’ bunks during the night!) The major ‘down’ of the episode was the pie-eating contest. Um, isn’t the idea of the show to showcase losers from the Bachelor shows that are complete idiots but happen to look pretty good?

Tell me this bitch ain't crazy!!

(With the exception of Nikki, who looks like Sandra Bullock after she’s been run over with a semi-truck. I know, I’m mean. Whatever.) Someone should tell the Bachelor producers that pretty blonde chicks spewing chunks of pie out of every orifice of their bodies is not sexy-time. In fact, it’s more like change-the-channel time. Watching Gia, Tenley and the rest of the gang vomiting all over themselves in the name of a stupid rose was really the low point of my week. I almost vomited my dinner watching them.

You know who I felt the worst for? The middle-aged men of America. They were totally tricked. Last week, their wives probably forced them to watch the premiere episode of Bachelor Pad with them. They were probably pleasantly surprised to see that the episode’s challenge was naked Twister, where lots of hot girls bent over and stretched out in bikinis. So this week, they totally watched the show willingly, hoping that this week’s challenge would be “Softcore Porn Auditions” or something. Um…no. How about some blonds with pie all over their faces and vomit in their hair? Yummy. Moving on…
So Gia wins the contest, allowing her to take three guys with her on her date…she picks Jessie B. (Natalie’s boo), Craig Big Hair and Wes, the cowboy songbird. During the date, she tells Craig Big Hair that she will be giving him the rose in order to uphold the strategy her and the other “outcast” girls came up with. Craig is stoked, because Gia tells him “When I give my word it’s done. I am giving you the rose.”

Bachelor Pad
"Come on, give me the rose. I already wrote a song just for you! It starts "They saaay love don't come easy..."

Not 20 minutes (and 10 Craig hair flips) later, Gia hands the rose to Wes! What a tart! Gia is infatuated with the singing cowboy. Surely, she’s hoping to get a song written about her. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t realize that Wes only has one song, and will only have one song. (“They saaaay….love don’t come easy…….”) Gag me with a spoon! Stop trying to peddle that song Wes! It’s horrible. Even drunk girls in Nashville would sacrifice their $9 drink just to throw it at you. Seriously. Stop.
My predictions for the season: everyone will eventually get super-annoyed by Tenley‘s drop-of-the-hat crying. (Why are you even on this sleazefest, Tenley? I thought you were too good for this!) Also, I believe Elizabeth will bust out more crazy than Michelle ever did. Mark my words, that bitch is N-U-T-S!
Bachelor Pad is awful. There’s no denying that. But it’s awful in the same sense that a ginormous chocolate chip cookie is “awful” for you. You know it’s wrong to indulge in it but it’s soooo good!

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