Bachelor Pad Mission: Make Stupid People Feel Bad About Themselves. Mission Accomplished!

To summarize what we found out about the Bachelor Pad ladies this week…

God, I love this show.

Each week, The Ashley feels that Bach producers couldn’t possibly top themselves the following week. Yet, each week delivers another, even better steaming pile of crap than the week before. Is this what heaven is really like?

This week, we follow the Gonorrhea Gang as they prepare for their immunity challenge. A survey is handed out to everyone and they are told to fill it out in private. Naturally, no one understands the instructions and they fill it out while sitting next to each other. (No peekies!) If I were them, I would have set up a folder fort like I did in fourth grade so no one could cheat of my spelling test. But not these idiots; they sit two inches from each other and fill the thing out. Luckily, they’re all too dumb to actually cheat, so we’re good.

After the mysterious survey is filled out, the group wonders what the heck it could have been for. Hmmm….well, they won’t have to wait long to find out.

Of course, no scene could be complete with Tenley bursting into tears, and girlfriend doesn’t disappoint, literally blubbering in the corner while filling out her survey. Um…you’re not filling out a death certificate, Tenley. You’re answering questions about boob jobs. Let’s put things in perspective.

Meanwhile, Wes is pants-less in the Jacuzzi. No, really. He is obviously still heartbroken over the loss of Gia on the last episode. What to do when you’re upset with the world? Head over to the pool in your Jockey boxer briefs and let it all out. Is it too much to ask that all swimmers wear trunks in the pool area? Chlorine doesn’t kill everything, ya’ll!

“There…I’m smiling, are you happy now?”

The challenge finally comes and <guess what!> that survey is coming back to haunt the group. Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft STRICKLIN (otherwise known as Stonewall Stricklin for her refusal to even fake a smile throughout the entire show) announce that the group will have to guess what the rest of the group put as their answers to the questions on the survey. Not what they actually wrote, but what they think the majority put. This premise is obviously over the head of most of the gang, namely Natalie, Jesse B. and the rest of the Bro Pack.

We learn that most of the group thinks Gwen is stupid (how can she be dumb? Has she uttered even one word since the start of the show? Mute, yes, but not stupid.) Natalie picks herself proudly and seems hurt when she isn’t voted the dumbest. WOW. They think that Dave is the best looking. (Really?! Different strokes for different folks I guess, but I think his beady little eyes are creepy.) They think that Natalie is the most likely to never get married. That’s a crippling blow to Nat, who was totally cool with being voted the stupidest; however, when told she isn’t ‘wife’ material, she literally loses it. Um…maybe it’s the fact that you bounce from guy to guy like a grasshopper on crack? That could do it. All the girls agree that being told they are least likely to get married is the worst thing someone could ever tell them. WTF?!?

Everyone thinks that Elizabeth has the worst boob job of the bunch.

Bachelor Pad
“I’m just happy I didn’t get voted worst boob job!”

However, her puppet, Kovaks, is reluctant to put his sometimes-girlfriend’s name down and writes Krisily, essentially throwing the competition and letting Jesse B. take the win.

After the challenge, all the girls are ready to lose it because they now know what everyone thinks of them. Elizabeth crawls into the closet and bawls. Luckily, the producers have thought of such an idea and have placed a camera man in there. Carry on, Elizabeth, don’t let the camera and lighting crew get in the way of your sob session.

On a scale from 1 to 10, ten being the highest, rate your IQ……….I don’t think Natalie understood the question….

Natalie runs to hide in the bathtub, saying that it’s her biggest fear that she won’t be taken seriously. Um…didn’t you just tell us last episode that you would kiss all the guys in the house for, like, $20? Just sayin’…

The rest of the episode pales in comparison to the beginning, so I’ll give it to you briefly: Kipto and Tenley go to Catalina…zip-lining…finish up with some summer lovin’ in the fantasy suite (above the waist only though, of course. Disney princesses don’t round second base until they’re married!)

Jesse B takes Peyton (oh, yeah, we always forget about her) on his dates. A quick break-down of the date is as follows: airplanes…too much vodka….annoys the shit out of her…no sex in the champagne room for Jesse B.

In the end, it’s Krisily and Wes that are voted out. I’m bummed because I won’t be able to make fun of Wes’ stupid song anymore. Wait, I’ll probably still do that. “They saaaay….love don’t come eaaaasy…..”

Can’t wait until the next episode of BP!!

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