This was it. This was the episode of the Bachelor Pad that we had been waiting for all season. We were promised by Chris Harrison that at some point, “everything is about to change.” You mean these people are going to stop swappin’ spit and saying dumb things? Oh wait, not everything is about to change. But some stuff.
Well that time has come! Bully!
The episode starts out with the Gonorrhea Gang coming in from elimination, having just sent Wes, the creepy cowboy crooner, and Krisily home. Everyone’s wondering who Krisily was talking about when she mentions in her exit speech about someone “betraying” her. David has no idea that she was talking about him, despite the fact that he told her she was safe and then voted her out, like, three minutes later. Poor David. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are we? Don’t worry, you’re in good company.
Anyway, the episode really gets moving when Chris Harrison comes into the room (Melissa Rycroft STRICKLIN could have also come in. I wouldn’t know since she never says anything and just hovers in the background.) Chris lays it out for the group: it’s time to even out the women and the men count. Three women are going home TODAY!
The group looks confused. Ashley proclaims that three women is almost half of the remaining 7 women. Thanks, Captain Obvious. That teaching credential really comes in handy at points, don’t it?
How will it be decided which women get the boot? A secret ballot? Nooooo. A contest of skill? Nooooo. A fucked-up creepy game of Spin the Bottle? BINGO! The bottle will be spun, and the guy who it lands on will chose the girl he wants to be partners with the rest of the show. The girls with no partners (a.k.a fuck buddies) will go home. Do we even need to continue this charade? We all know Elizabeth and Kovaks are fucking….Natalie and Dave spent a confirmed night in the Fantasy Suite, and are now secret lovers and Kiptyn and Tenley, while not fucking, have probably engaged in some serious french kissing. Can we just shove Gwen, Nikki and Ashley into a limo and be on our way and save them the embarrassment? Heck, no! Onward!
Melissa, (aka “Stonewall STRICKLIN”) is given the job of spinning the bottle. (It seems like they’re really searching to give her a purpose for being on this show. Let’s just say don’t bank on Season Two, honey.)
Even though it’s obvious which girl each guy is going to pick, the producers more than likely told them to “act confused” (not hard) and try to throw off the viewer. In the end, each guy picks their fuck buddy and Nikki, Ashley and Gwen are sent packing. However, Elizabeth has the last jab, telling the camera that she feels bad for Gwen and that “someday she could end up like Gwen, over 40 and still single.” Ooooh. (You know Gwen totally watched the episode last night and screamed, “you bitch!” at the TV.) Don’t worry, Liz. You won’t end up like Gwen when you’re 40. By 40, you’ll be all wrapped up in a straight jacket in the loony bin, cause you’re C-R-A-Z-Y!
The newly formed couples retreat back to Herpes Manor to strategize. Kiptyn and Tenley (who are now apparently known as Kip-Ten….yah, she went there) decide that the best strategy is to make out. Peyton spends her time watching her partner Jesse B. pick an ingrown hair out of his leg with a rusty nail. Please get tetanus and die. Thanks.
It’s on to the first couples challenge….and it’s a water balloon toss (Isn’t that economical?) Why do all of the challenges have to be something that you are most likely to see at a Little League carnival? Pie eating, Twister, water balloons? Is ABC hurting for money?!
I’ll save you the suspense: Dave and Natalie win the balloon toss. They also are safe and have won a date “under the stars.”
The group ponders as to what a date under the stars could entail. Tenley suggests that it will probably be a date in a rocket ship. No, seriously. She said that. Because winning a water balloon contest generally goes hand in hand with some sort of space travel. I hear that’s how Neil Armstrong got to the moon– he won a challenge on a crappy reality show and off he went!
Sorry, guys, you’re not going to space, but you are going to a mansion (that’s original) where you’ll eat sushi on the floor. Num num.
Meanwhile Liz and Kovaks have snuck into the Fantasy Suite (gasp!) to get a little pickle tickle in before Natalie and David return from their date. (BTW- they already rubbed their herpes all over the car the winners were taking out for their date, why not smear a big dose of Kovaks Juice all over their bed too? Classy!)
Luckily, Tenley sneaks up to the Fantasy Suite and reports back to the group as to what’s going on up there. “Ooooh! I think they’re kissing!” she squeals. Oh, Tenley.
So, I’ll spare you the rest of the details. Peyton and Jesse B. go home. Shocker. I’m glad, because her accent and his frat boy behavior were really getting annoying.
Until next week…..