The American Idol ‘Top 13’ Have Got the Talent…Too Bad They’re Boring as Hell

“Back off, guys…I’ve got this in the bag!”

Last night, the “real” episodes of American Idol officially began. No more annoying sob stories or crazy audition shows. It’s time for the singers to hit the stage and basically put up or go home.   

The Ashley must applaud the judges. Even without the aid of Simon Cowell, they managed to choose a very talented and diverse Top 13. However, they also managed to choose some of the most boring people I’ve ever seen on a reality show. Maybe it’s because we don’t really “know” all of these people yet, but last night’s episode was a complete snoozefest, except for a few performances.  

This week, the kids got to work with some of music’s biggest producers, including Interscope’s Jimmy Iovine. 

What the F are you wearing?!?!?!?

First up is Lauren. She’s working with one of Jimmy Iovine’s top producer guys, who just happens to look like a farmed-out version of Howard Stern. Seriously. That guy creeped me out. Since this week’s theme is “Personal Idols,” Lauren chose to sing a Shania Twain song. OK…she got out there and sang just fine, and sassed around the stage nicely.   

But that’s not what The Ashley wants to talk about. We really must discuss what the hell she was wearing. Lauren, honey, who told you that it’s a good idea to wear a shirt/dress/tunic thingy that resembles a dust ruffle? So, so unfortunate.   

The judges kind of panned her. Luckily, her Kelly Pickler-esque charm will carry her through even if her singing (which I thought was pretty good) does not. J-Lo loved it though.   

Casey hit the stage next. He’s going to be singing Joe Cocker’s badass tune “Have a Little Help From My Friends.” 

Anyway, Casey was so smart to not only choose this song, which showcased his voice nicely, but also to change it up so that he didn’t sound like a knock-off version of the original. Plus, I give him props for not attempting the classic Joe Cocker scream. He knows his limits and I respect him for it. Steven and Randy sang his praises and…. J-Lo loved it.   

 Ashton came next.  Last week after she ‘sang for her life’ (so dramatic!) and made it into the Top 13, the judges told her they see her as a young Diana Ross. So this week she naturally decides to sing…um, Diana Ross.   
You can practice your “Stop in the Name of Love” dance all you want, Ashton, but you ain’t no Diana Ross.

Paul came out next, explaining that his idol is Ryan Adams.   

Although The Ashley usually digs his odd voice, he chose to sing his song in a semi-creepy breathy voice that you could barely understand. The judges are confused, and Randy states that he hopes America “gets it.” There’s no way in hell a grandma in Iowa is going to “get” what that performance was supposed to be. J-Lo loved it.   

Next came last week’s star of the show, Pia. She’s chosen Celine Dion’s “All By Myself.” Everyone’s holding their breathe to see if she screws it up or kills it. If you’re singing Celine, there’s only two options: complete disaster or f’ing awesome. Luckily, Pia was the second one.   

Next up is James Durbin. I really, really don’t want to like this kid. But I kind of do. He sings Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed,” which Crystal Bowersox also sang last year. She was better, but James gave a solid rendition of it. He toned down the screaming and wore an American flag vest, so he’s totally in for next week. He did not, however, wear a tail again. During his review, Randy managed to sneak in the fact that he was in journey. Yes. We know. At least he’s not name-dropping celebrities like he used to in past seasons.    Oh…and J-Lo loved it.   

The Ashley’s favorite contestant, Hailey, sang next. She chose LeAnne Rimes’ “Blue.” If Simon was still here, he would totally call this chick “a naughty little minx” like he did to Kelly Pickler seasons ago. J-Lo loved it too.   

After a commercial break filled with commercials for the various products that J-Lo endorses, its time for Jacob Lusk to hit the stage. We find out he’s singing…”I Believe I Can Fly.” It’s inevitable that someone will sing this song every year. They have to. It’s in the rule book or something. Luckily, Jacob jumped on it before someone like Paul could get his hands on it, because this song is perfect for our boy Jacob.    

 He gave another amazing performance, and he’s so darn cute that you just want to hug him. J-Lo loved it.   

Thia‘s up next. Last week, Randy told her that she reminded him of Michael Jackson. That was a very odd thing to say to a 15-year-old girl, but whatever. Guess what she decides to sing? Michael Jackson!    

She chose the song “Smile,” which is actually a Charlie Chaplin song. She was unaware of this and tells the camera that she’s really looking forward to singing a Charlie Chapman song. Oh, youth of America. You make me sad.   

 Although she sang well, she’s drifting dangerously into “elevator music” zone. Her performances to date have been super boring.   

At least she wasn’t wearing that creepy alphabet sweater she wore on last week’s results show. Who wears those other than overweight soccer moms and elementary school teachers?! Steve and Randy gave mixed reviews, but J-Lo loved it. (The singing, not the sweater.)   

It’s very apparent that although her singing is up to par, she was clearly not ready for a competition this big, and is way too timid and shy. She won’t last long.   

Stefano‘s up next. Guess who he’s chosen to sing? Stevie Wonder. What did I tell you last week??! Why, why, why must Stevie happen every single week?! Stefano didn’t do bad…however if Simon was still around, he would have told Stefano that he needed to go sing on a cruise ship. I have a feeling that’s exactly where Stefano will end up. J-Lo loved it. 

Karen is next and she’s singing a Selena song. Karen didn’t do it much justice. 

I’ve also got to give her credit: it took giant balls to stand up there and sing a Selena song in front of Jennifer Lopez,who starred as Selena in the bio movie. The judges didn’t enjoy it, but J-Lo (almost) loved it.   

Scotty McCreery is next. Oddly, he’s become the “heartthrob” of Season 10. The girls love him. He sang a Garth Brooks song and slammed it.He could hop onto the country radio stations tomorrow and be just fine. Randy loved it, and of course, so did J-Lo. By this time, Steven Tyler’s pretty much out of it and is telling Scotty that he should be on a magic carpet or something. It’s like the reincarnation of Paula Abdul.    

And you’re closer for the evening? None other than Naima. She sings Rhianna’s “Umbrella,” which is big change from the sleepy classic hits she usually sings. She’s dancing around and busting some moves, but the singing lacked.   

Naima has no chance of winning American Idol; however she will always win the prize for most-accessories. She literally looks like a Claire’s Accessories store threw up on her. There’s seashells, and flowers, and ribbons dangling all over her, and she apparently found James Durbin’s tail from last week and is wearing that too. The judges loved it. Especially J-Lo.   

So what does The Ashley think will happen tonight?   

Scotty, Lauren, Jacob and James can all relax. There’s not a chance in hell they’re going home.   

As for Stefano, Naima, Ashton and Paul…I wouldn’t get too comfortable in that new ‘Idol’ mansion.  Just sayin’.   

The Ashley predicts we’ll say so long to Ashton tonight though.   




5 Responses

  1. I can’t listen to anyone sing a mediocre version of a Selena song. Selena was a goddess and her voice was just insane. A junior high school friend of mine had met her a bunch of times because her dad had worked for the Quintanilla’s a bodyguard. She said was super funny and really nice. Sigh. I still sometimes wonder if JLo still thinks she really IS her. Girlfriend stole her moves.

    1. I agree on that. Selena was amazing and is one of my idols. I’m so glad to hear she was as nice as I hoped she would have been. I disagree about J-Lo though. i think she did Selena proud. I read an article once with an interview with Selena’s dad. He said he loved going to the filming of the movies because it made him feel like Selena was still alive. I loved that. I think Selena would have been proud to have Jennifer portray her. Just my opinion though.

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