The results are in, the votes have been counted, the cheesy performances have been executed and the Finale is [finally] over which means…we have a new American Idol!
If you didn’t have two hours to devote to watching this crap, The Ashley is here to recap exactly what happened during the two-hour Finale “event.” Even before the Finale started, The Ashley pretty much knew Scotty had this contest in the bag. Every Midwestern grandma loves this kid. (“He’s such a good boy!” they probably told each other, phones in hand.)
The show begins and they show footage of Scotty’s hometown in North Carolina, and Lauren’s hometown in Tennessee. There’s literally an entire stadium full of people there to cheer on their hometown kid. You wouldn’t even be able to fill a high school gym if you had this in Los Angeles. (Unless you had an open bar, of course.)
Anyway, the Top 13 start the show by singing Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way.” This is good because it allows us to see the people who were voted off in the beginning of the competition. To be honest, I couldn’t pick half of these people out of a lineup. (You know you spent a good minute of the performance trying to figure out who the hell Ashton was!)
Next, the Top 5 get to sing with their Idols. (AKA anyone who was available to perform who could be written off as their “Idol.) James Durbin got lucky and actually got to sing with metal band Judas Priest. He was completely stoked. One problem– he sounded better than the actual singer. However, both of their outfits looked like they came out of the bargain bin of the local mall’s Hot Topic store.
Jacob Lusk came next, singing with some guy named Kirk Franklin. Apparently, he’s someone important to people who are spiritual and cultured. The Ashley is neither so she had no idea who the hell the guy was. Jacob was working it out– girlfriend was all over this song. Then they brought some lady out. I know it’s someone I should recognize but I don’t. Turns out it was Gladys Knight. I guess they gave Aretha the night off. They seem to alternate these two and have them perform at every other finale.
Next up was Casey Abrams, who sang with his doppelganger, Jack Black. I think Jack actually sounded better than Casey. While they looked cute in their matching shiny suits, the performance was just ridiculously bad with a whole bunch of creepy, white boy rap/scatting going on. Jack was there to pimp his new Panda movie, but my God did we all have to suffer?!
The ladies came out to sing a medley of bad female empowerment songs, all dressed in ho-tastic red dresses. Seriously, this year’s stylist needs to be fired. They were all booty popping when all of a sudden, Beyonce, Queen of the Booty Poppers, comes out wearing a dress that you can literally see up the front of. Seriously, I felt like her gynecologist. I’m sure Steven Tyler liked it though.
After that fiasco, it was Old Timer Time, and this year they got someone really, really old: Tony Bennett. Haley Reinhart and Tony sang a duet and, while it wasn’t bad at all, The Ashley couldn’t help but think that they looked more like a couple that should be at Hugh Hefner‘s upcoming wedding that an appropriate duet pair.
Next up came an awkward performance from TLC. Um…did anyone else feel awkward and uneasy watching them perform without the late Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes? There was a big gapping hole where she should have been and it was just sad. Not to mention those two are possibly the worst lip-synchers known to man: they literally forgot they were supposed to look like they were singing at times! Either hire Pia Toscano as your third member or call it quits and live off your royalties.
I must speed this up or I’m going to kill myself.
Scotty sang with Tim McGraw, making The Ashley further realize that he has this competition in the bag!
Marc Anthony sang a Spanish song while J-Lo danced/jiggled her ass next to him. I’ll bet the Midwestern grandmas loved that, more than likely squawking to each other: “Why are they singing in Mex-i-can? Isn’t this American Idol?!”
The Top 13 guys sing a medley next. The Ashley feels like we are literally minutes away from a Stevie Wonder wheel-out. Idol throws her a curve ball and sends out Tom Jones instead. He sings “It’s Not Unusual” (a.k.a “The Carlton Song”) which is more than likely the only song that anyone under 30 knows. God, make it end.
Lady Gaga comes out in a Sheera costume…humps a guy on a rock..moving on….
Carrie Underwood comes out to duet with Lauren, who attempted to sing but really had no voice left. You’ve got to give it to Carrie: no matter how big she gets, she always comes back to ‘Idol.’ Every Finale, every Idol Gives Back, she comes. She hasn’t forgotten her roots and The Ashley likes that!
More Beyonce…seriously? Did someone cancel and that’s why you brought her out again? U2 blah blah blah….
Steven Tyler hit the stage next, singing the first part of his song “Dream On.” He proved that he can still hit the high notes. Best performance of the night!
And mercifully, after two hours and about 125 performances, it’s time to announce the winner. Will it be Scotty Boy or Lauren (who’s in a yellow feathered dress that looks like a bad Tweety Bird costume. Bad dresses right to the end, huh?)
It’s Scotty. I’m f’ing shocked.
The Ashley’s gives Lauren credit though. She handled the news like a pro. It’s easy to forget that these are both kids under 18. They did fantastic under the pressure and The Ashley hopes both of them will become successful!
That’s it for Idol! Thank God I have The Bachelorette and Teen Mom to amuse me over the summer!