This week’s episode of Teen Mom was entitled “Without You.” Seriously, who makes up these crappy episode titles? They should let The Ashley pick the titles of the episodes. At least then they’d be exciting. The Ashley would entitle this episode “Without Jobs,” because frankly, that is more applicable.
Anyway, we start off with Maci who is stressing out over being distracted from her school work by Bentley and Kyle. Maci’s finding it difficult to find time to do her homework, in between Bentley peeing on her and Kyle smoochin’ on her. Oh, and MTV filming her, of course.
Catelynn knows all about the hardships of school and such. Although Tyler will be graduating soon, Catelynn won’t be able to graduate high school until March, due to her gettin’ pregnant, etc. (Apparently, it’s December in ‘Teen Mom’ Land.)
Tyler’s mom is planning a graduation party to celebrate Ty’s release from high school, and since Butch is out of the halfway house (!) Tyler calls him up to see if he’d like to attend the festivities. This scene is a real tease for The Ashley. We only get to hear Butch’s voice and don’t even get a glimpse of that salt-n-pepper rattail.
Unfortunately, Butch is unable to come to the party because he has to work. Wait, Butch is working? Isn’t that kind of against everything he stands for? I guess his brown ‘Dirty Uncle’ cargo van ain’t going to fill itself with gas, so he’s got to make the money somehow. I just hope he hasn’t gone back to his old ‘job’ of breaking and entering!
Also, can we please stop and reflect on the fact that Butch is basically the only cast member who is working. Are we living in The Twilight Zone or what?!
Meanwhile, Farrah is planning a visit to Derek’s grave. She calls up Derek’s dad and stepmom to arrange the trip. Derek’s dad says he can’t wait because it will be such a good time.
Farrah’s doing things in this episode that are very unnatural to her: being nice to her mom, not screaming and belittling the rest of her family and acting like a decent human being. I don’t know how to react to this Farrah.
Anyway, in Amber‘s neck of the woods, there is a lot going on. Amber’s trying to get her house ready so Leah can come and visit. Her and her friends are moving in a bunch of her stuff. (Seriously, is it even possible for there to be an episode of ‘Teen Mom’ were someone isn’t moving? The ‘Teen Mom’ camera guys should really start moonlighting as moving men. They could pick up some extra dough, since I’m sure MTV doesn’t pay them that much, being that they give these girls so much money. There can’t be much left for Tommy the Boom Mic Guy.)
Amber (who is wearing high heels for moving day, as you do) is ready to finish the place off. She hangs up an ginormous picture of Marilyn Monroe on the wall. As they say, your house is never truly a home until you have pictures of a dead movie star all over it.
Amber said she is staying at her old apartment (aka Kimmy’s Trash Pit) until the new house is ready. (Wait, it’s not ready yet? But she hung the Marilyn picture up. What could be left to do?) She flops down on the mattress on the floor to rest up for her meeting with the Child Protective Services.
She calls Cousin Krystle to explain that she’s worried that Gary will throw her under the bus.
“He has nothing on me!” Amber explains. (I guess she forgot that whole beating-the-beJesus-out-of-my-boyfriend-on-TV thing?)
Amber, who is sporting some creepishly long Lee Press-On Nails, tells Krystle that she’s worried about bad things happening in front of Leah. Um…then don’t do bad things in front of Leah. Or, better yet, don’t do bad things. Problem solved!
Next, Amber calls her mother, Tonya, and says that she would really like a ride to the meeting her to come for moral support. Amber then tells her mom to keep her trap closed and not bash Gary’s mom in front of the CPS. Her mom reluctantly promises to keep it classy.
Back at Maci’s, it’s time to send Bentley off with Ryan’s parents. They take him home to wait for Ryan, who comes home to discuss going to court to get a better custody arrangement. He decides to move forward with going to court.
Maci’s still having a hard time focusing on school. She tells her friend Erica that she’s tired of “killing herself to keep Bentley and Kyle alive and happy.”
OK…seriously, this must be said: Get off the cross, Maci! You’ve been playing the martyr all season long. Waa! I don’t have time to do my homework! Waa! My life is so hard! Waa! I don’t have time to soak in my extremely large spa tub! Yeah…college is hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Yes, you have a kid but so do a lot of students.
While Maci’s bragging to her friend about having complete custody over Bentley and telling her that she can do whatever she wants with Bentley and Ryan can’t do anything about it, Ryan’s heading to a lawyer’s office to discuss his options. He tells the lawyer that his parents he wants more time with Bentley.
Ryan, who is sporting his black leather Fonzie jacket that he is also wearing on this week’s US Weekly cover, tells the lawyer all the crappy things that Maci has done and the lawyer is pissed, shaking his head in disgust. Things are about to get interesting….
It’s time for Amber’s big CPS meeting. Trash Pit Kim and Amber’s mom have arrived to take Amber to the courthouse. On the way over, Amber’s mom provides some tips for a successful CPS visit:
- Smile a lot.
- Don’t say the “F” word.
- Remember that you’re a mom.
Seriously, Tonya’s wisdom is way beyond her years. She should really write those tips down and sell them to other unfit mothers being examined by the CPS. The woman is like Yoda, with tanner skin.
Gary arrives, with his mother and Leah in tow. (Wait, why the hell did they bring the kid to the court house? Couldn’t Cousin Krystle watch her or something?) Unfortunately, the courthouse has a “no MTV camera” rule and we don’t get to see what happens inside. However, Amber tells us that the meeting went well, but Tonya’s unhappy that Leah is still staying with Gary until Amber’s new house is ready.
“She can’t come with me because of my house!” Amber protests.
Um…does the new house have fleas or something? I don’t get what is so bad about it? It looked fine to me. It can’t be worse than Gary’s Trashelor Pad from last week.
Amber’s mad because Tonya wasn’t supportive at the meeting and because she doesn’t make an effort to see Leah. They’re screaming at each other the whole drive home, while poor Kim is sitting in the backseat, wide-eyed and wishing she had stayed home and watched “Maury Povich” like she does every other morning of her life. Amber storms out of the car and heads upstairs.
That’s not the last of Tonya though. She comes upstairs for Round 2. Amber screams at her again, and then kicks her out. Tonya heads down the stairs and Amber’s still screaming at her.
Tonya better be careful; we all know what happened the last time Amber was screaming at someone as they went down the stairs. At least Tonya wasn’t wearing an AERO T-shirt and carrying a TV so she should be safe.
Instead of physically kicking her mom down the stairs, Amber chooses to verbally do it; screaming that it’s her mom’s fault that she had such a crap-ass life, what with her alcoholic father and a mother that worked 24/7. (Working…what an interesting concept…)
Tonya leaves in tears and tells Amber to stay out of her life. Amber said she’s been trying to. Um…aren’t you the one that invited your mom to the meeting? Just sayin….
It’s Tyler’s last day of school and he and Cate go to see their teacher, Monty, to get the score of Cate’s last test. Let’s just take a moment here to stop and marvel at Monty, shall we? He’s totally one of those teachers that tells you “I’m not like all those other teachers, I’m a cool teacher!” on the first day of school. He’s sporting a slicked-back ponytail, sits backward in his chair and lets his students call him by his first name. Monty is hip.
Anyway, Cate says she is hoping to get at least a 60% on her test. (Wait– she does know that’s a D-, right?) She’s thrilled to find out that she actually surpassed her goal and got a 65% on the test. She’s high-fiving all over the place over her ‘D’ grade.
I would love to see a parent/teacher conference between Monty and Butch and April. Butch would arrive in his brown ‘dirty uncle’ van with April in tow. A cloud of ciggie smoke would follow April down the hallway, a la Pigpen from the “Peanuts” comic strip. Monty would pull up a backward chair and try to chat with them about the kids, knowing full-well that as soon as they left he would to have to wash the ciggie smoke out of his pony.
Unlike overachiever Catelynn, Maci’s unable to get a D in any of her classes. She’s failing everything (again) and is complaining that she can’t do any work when Bentley’s around.
Maci tells her friend that “school is hard.” She says she wants to just be an MTV star stay-at-home mom. She says all she wants to do is sit at home with Kyle and Bentley. (So basically she wants Amber’s life?)
She keeps whining about having to balance the classes and Bentley, and finally decides to quit her classes. Well, that make sense because she’ll be working all of the time. Oh…wait.
Kyle says he was going to go out and look for jobs but, what the heck, he’ll just stay home with Maci and Bentley. It’s sad when the two-year-old is acting like the most responsible person in the family.
Anyway…it’s time for Farrah’s visit to Derek’s grave. Even I’m not mean enough to make fun of Farrah during this scene. However, I do feel like this probably should have been an event that should have been sans the ‘Teen Mom’ cameras.
Moving on…it’s time for Tyler’s graduation party. Cate is bragging about her big 65% she got in history (“like…world history.”)
They head to the pizza place to celebrate and one of their friends (the one with oddly shaped hair) is trying her hardest to get on camera. She keeps poking her head into every shot. Tyler’s mom says she wishes Butch could have come…
That makes two of us!
At the end of the episode, Maci’s sad that she “wasted a semester” by dropping her classes. She says she still has a really high GPA because she dropped the classes instead of failing them.
She said she wants a degree but has to make sacrifices because she’s a parent. Um…no, being a parent means having to work extra hard to get your ass through college so you can start your career and provide for your child. Fiddle-farting around with Kyle all day is why you failed; don’t blame Bentley.
There are people literally begging for more time with Bentley, why didn’t you bring him to Ryan’s so that you could study? You failed school because you were lazy and didn’t go to class. Period.
Next week: Amber’s going on a date…Farrah’s going to move…and Maci’s going to give her poor mama a heart attack when she tells her that she wants another baby! (WTF?)