‘Bachelor’ Ben Episode 5: Baseball, Bad Spanish & Ben’s Bare Booty

Nonononono…

This week, Ben the Bachelor takes us to the exotic island of Puerto Rico! This means two things: 1) There’s bound to be a lot of girls in bikinis trying to get their “J-Lo” on, and 2) At some point we will probably have to witness Ben doing some horrible salsa moves. Holy Habanero, this is going to be awful!

Ben arrives via Cesna plane to meet up with the gals, who have also landed in the P.R. The girls are all excited and all of them feel like they are going to fall in love (island-style) on this trip. Chris Harrison explains that there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. I know he’s talking but I can’t really listen, because I’m just staring at Kasie B‘s horrendous overalls. Who the hell lied to you, girl?!

Anyway, the first 1-on-1 date goes to Nikki. Her date card is in Spanish and the girl that reads it just butchers the language. All the other girls are confused as to what the card says. Luckily, Emily took Spanish II in high school and is able to translate.

Ben picks Nikki up for their date (in a helicopter, naturally. The producers must have gotten a “buy one, get one free” coupon from the helicopter company they used last episode). They head to a Puerto Rican village, where Ben busts out his own high school Spanish to a fruit water vendor. (“Buenos tar-de Senor. Como es-ta?”) It’s all too much. 

Was the hat really necessary?

Anyway, it starts to pour, but that’s OK because it gives them a chance to dance/kiss in the rain. Instead of fretting, they embrace the rain, even taking off their shoes to walk around the streets. Um…I hope you guys are up-to-date on your tetanus shots…ew.

They decide to go buy some authentic Puerto Rican clothing.  If the locals didn’t hate them before, they absolutely hate them now.

They walk over to where a wedding’s taking place and start discussing their future. Nikki’s been married before and says that the next time she walks down the aisle she wants it to be “for real.” Um…then why are you on ‘The Bachelor?’ Why don’t you just go out and date “for real” like a normal person?

She tells Ben that her first marriage went sour when she “lost trust in her husband.” (That’s code for “he cheated on me!”) Anyway, he’s intrigued and she gets the rose. Moving on…

The group date card arrives, revealing that Elyse (who I forgot was on this show) is going on the other 1-on-1. The other girls head out to a Puerto Rican baseball stadium (home of “The Gigantes!”) They’re dressed for the occasion, complete with booty shorts and false eyelashes. 

“I’ll show you something ‘Gigante,’ ladies!”

Chris tells the girls that they will be divided into two teams and will be playing against each other. The winning team will get to go on a romantical beach party date.

The girls change into their uniforms and it’s nauseating. Geez, Louise, ladies you could have least put on a bra.

I’ll save you the suspense: the red team wins, leaving the blue team devastated. A helicopter (!) picks the winners up right in front of the losers and carries them away. The blue team is left to blubber on the bus. “I…just…wanted…the…time with Ben….” Gag me with a [salsa-covered] spoon!

On the beach date, Ben takes each girl off for a stroll to get some alone time with them. Ben tells Kacie B. that he’s sorry that they haven’t spent much time together since their Sonoma date. (Um…you pull this chick aside every single week. How have you not spent time together?! Just give her the ring already!)  He gives her the rose to make up for their lost time.

The next day is Elyse’s date. She’s clearly excited to finally stop being just part of the background. Ben takes her sailing and she tells him that she gave up a job she loved to be here. (Does the word ‘recession’ mean nothing to these people?!)

After the yachting, Ben and Elyse (Belyse?) head to dinner. For some reason Ben is wearing a tuxedo. (I guess his hoodie from last week was in the wash and that was the only thing clean?) Things aren’t looking good for Elyse as the conversation hits a lull. Ben makes no attempt to hide his boredom and has basically tuned her out by the time their steaks arrive.

He tells her that there just isn’t anything between them and, compared to the other girls, she has no shot. He has to send her packing and she is beside herself with grief. She didn’t even get to finish her steak. I’d be asking for a to-go bag if I were her. At least she’d have something to chew on during her ride on the Pity Raft.

Ben sees her off and dramatically tosses the rose into the ocean as crappy music plays. Back at home, the girls are shocked to see the ecurity man arrive and take Elyse’s suitcase away. Courtney sees this as her chance to make a move on Ben. She catches him while he is slunking back to his hotel after letting Elyse go. She invites him to have a night cap and mentions that she happens to have lotion in her bathrobe pocket (just in case!)

My eyes…they burn…

She tells Ben that she’s open to some sexy time and that she is going to “rock his world.” Gulp. Ben is way too dorky to handle this chick. She decides that they need to go skinny dipping, despite Ben’s weak protests. They strip down and, mercifully, they blur out Ben’s ding-dong so we don’t have to see it.

They have a nude romp in the ocean, while the other girls sit in the house, oblivious. I’m disappointed in Ben…what would Scotch the Dog (and your mama) say?

The night of the cocktail party arrives and Blakely is feeling scared that she’ll go home because she hasn’t spent much time with Ben. When they get some alone time, she tells Ben that every day that she’s been on the show she’s written down something she likes about Ben (because that’s not creepy). She also says that she can’t believe a guy like Ben would be interested in a girl like her.

Um…are we in the freaking Twilight Zone here? This chick looks like a ‘Price is Right’ spokesmodel! She could get any guy she wanted and she doesn’t think she deserves Ben? I smell daddy issues…

Bachelor
“Have I mentioned that I don’t like Courtney?”

Anyway, the girls are all sitting around and Courtney is just dying to let them know that she’s seen Ben’s ding-dong. She brings up the topic of skinny-dipping and none of the other girls catch on. Instead, they discuss how wonderful it is to go skinny-dipping and how hard it is not to get naked. Really? I have no problem retaining my clothes.

Emily tells Ben that she is sorry she brought up the whole “Courtney is a psycho” thing last week, then proceeds to talk about it again for like 10 minutes. Ben’s had enough and tells her to “tread lightly and drop it.”

It’s time for the rose ceremony. Flowers are flying off the shelf until it’s down to just Redhead Jen and Emily. Just as I’m about to say “Adios, Emily,” he gives her the rose, leaving my jaw hanging on the floor! He cuts Jen! I thought she’d make it to the Fantasy Suite for sure! I’m sad to see “Bennifer” go…

Next week: The gang is heading to Panama City where the other girls catch on to what Courtney’s been doing behind their backs!

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