This week on The Bachelor, we are down to the last six girls! Sean Lowe is still riding the Crazy Train that is Tierra, so we are bound to at least get a little entertainment. Who knows what ailment/illness she’ll have next!?
Anyway, Sean and his six girls will be spending the week in the U.S. Virgin Islands. I find this ironic because Sean is supposedly an actual virgin, according to media reports. (Who knew they still existed in the reality TV world?!) As it always happens around this point in the season, everyone’s getting bit by the “love” bug (despite the fact that a lot of these girls have had maybe five hours of alone time with this dude, total).
All the girls are probably going to dramatically confess (likely in a cheesy whisper) that they “are falling for” Sean. Groooan….I’d grab a barf bag or two if I were you. To ease the pain, let’s do a shot every time one of these numbnuts dramatically reveals that she’s in love with Sean.
Sean’s first one-on-one date goes to AshLee, who seems to be well-liked in the house and is considered the older and wiser den mother to the other girls. Although AshLee is sitting there blabbing about all the “chemistry” between her and Sean and how she can “see a future with this man,” I literally see more between Sean and Chris Harrison than Sean and this chick.
Since every gal knows the way to a man’s heart is to cry on his shoulder and talk about your abandonment issues on the first date, AshLee decides to let it all hang out. Of course, Sean is unfazed by her emotion, since he’s been dealing with Tierra all season. AshLee seems nice enough but why does she always have to say things that sound like she got them out of a fortune cookie?
“Through the pain you can find happiness,” and “This man can make me happy, despite my tear,” blah blah blah. If you’re going to say things on camera that you get from food wrappers, at least start busting out those awesomely lame jokes they put on Popsicle sticks. I think that would be way more entertaining.
Anyway, Sean decides to ask AshLee what her opinion is of Tierra (who, by the way, has taken to sleeping on a cot in the hallway so that she doesn’t have to be “persecuted” by the other girls in the hotel room). AshLee decides to tell Sean the truth about his beloved Crazy Train, and he seems shocked to find out that she’s rude and unhappy in the house.
The producers make them do that standard “Roll around in the shore break until you get sand up your crotch” shot, and then they head to dinner. AshLee decides to unload even more of her emotional baggage on Sean, telling him she has a Deep.Dark.Secret. She better tell him that she was 1) a man at some point in her life 2) plotting to murder Tierra or 3) suffering from a nasty case of the crabs or I’m going to fall asleep! This girl is a snoozefest!
After dragging out the news like Maury Povich giving out paternity test results, she finally tells Sean that, 15 years ago, she was having a hard time with life so she decided to get married at age 17. (Everyone knows that a teenage marriage solves most problems! Just ask the stars of one of the Teen Mom shows!) Apparently Ash got hitched during her junior year and divorced during her senior year.
Sean is stunned, but tells her he doesn’t care how many country bumpkins she married as a teenager, and that he still likes her. She’s thrilled and decides to stand on her chair and yell weird things until she finally gets that look in her eye and we all know what’s coming…she stands up and yells, “I LOVE SEAN!” Drink! Drink! Drink!
The next day is Sean’s much-anticipated one-on-one date with Tierra. He’s determined to find out if Tierra is as bad as AshLee and everyone says. She lies and says that she’s thrilled to be roaming the streets of St. Croix with Sean, even though moments before she was wailing that she didn’t want to walk around and get attacked by bugs and get sweaty and that she’d rather go sailing. Um, don’t worry, you’ll be sailing off to Forever Alone-ville soon enough, my dear.
Sean and Tierra, who has this really creepy clown smile plastered on her face throughout the entire date, head downtown to buy some crap from the local street vendors. Of course a random parade of dancers just “happens” to appear right on the street that Sean and Tierra are on. Tierra says she’s “blowed away” (um?) by it all and it’s obvious that she’s really trying hard to make it seem like she’s a normal person in front of Sean.
Later, they sit down and chat about Tierra and the other girls. Of course, Tierra is wailing that the other girls hate her because they are still jealous that she got the first rose on the first night. (Really?!) Tierra’s beginning to sense that Sean’s mind has been “poisoned” by another girl and she’s not happy about it. Later that night, she brings up the fact that Sean has been “distant” from her on the date. (Honey, if you think he’s “distant” from you now, what until that restraining order is approved!)
Sean tells her that her dramatic ways have put her “behind” some of the other girls. Oh, dear God, she’s going to bring dynamite into that house, I just know it! They go out to a pier and all of a sudden, Tierra gets that look in her eye and we all know….pick up your shot glasses, folks… she tells him that she’s “falling in love with him.” Drink! Drink! Drink!
The next morning, Sean barges into the girls’ house at 4 am with a camera. (Nope, nothing creepy about that, right?) He takes photos of the girls while they are sleeping (?!?!) and then without makeup and tells Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay that they need to be ready to leave in five minutes. Havoc ensues, and the girls (except for Catherine, who could give a crap) are panicked at the thought of Sean seeing them without makeup.
They head to some beach and Sean tells them that they’re standing at the easternmost part of the United States. (Lindsay looks very confused at this statement and you can see the wheels turning as she tries to figure out how the Virgin Islands are in the United States. Sigh.)
The rest of the day is basically just them rolling around in the jeep, stopping at local places and watching Sean make out with each of the girls. He spends some alone time with each girl. Lindsay is just a giant ball of “OMGs” and squeals, while Catherine uses her time to tell Sean that her father is a little off his rocker. It’s really boring, so I’ll just go ahead and tell you that he ends up giving Lindsay the rose, which pisses off Desiree and Catherine.
The next day is Sean’s one-on-one with Lesley. He arrives (donning his sexy-time pink shorts once again) and it gets a little awkward when Lesley appears, also wearing some sort of pink short. #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen….you’re wearing the same outfit as your date.
Anyway, Sean tells her that they are going to pick some fruit and hang out. If I were Lesley I’d be pissed— the first chick got to go sailing on a yacht, and I get stuck plucking peaches off a tree?! W.T.F.
Lesley tells us that she is…wait for it…”totally falling in love with Sean.” Drink! Drink! Drink! However, she’s too scared to tell him (hmm…maybe that’s because you barely know him?) She says that she plans to tell him when the time is right. (So like…four months from now?)
This episode is seriously killing me. If Tierra doesn’t start bringing the crazy soon, I’m going to need to pound some No-Doze to stay awake!
After Sean and Lesley’s incredibly lame date, Sean’s sister, Shay, arrives to give him some advice. He’s telling her all about how no one likes Tierra, and Shay says that if that’s the case, Tierra needs to go. (Shay is obviously a fan of ‘The Bachelor,’ and doesn’t want to see her brother on one end of a Jake-and-Vienna-style televised catfight!)
Sean suggests he go fetch Tierra and bring her over to meet Shay. What he doesn’t know is that back at the house, all hell has broken loose after Tierra confronts AshLee about sabotaging her relationship with Sean. Tierra’s in full-on hysterics, screaming at AshLee and telling her she’s too old to be on ‘The Bachelor.’
“Girls are jealous because men love me!” Tierra screeches before pulling a “Talk to the hand!” and running away, only to come back a minute later to start Round 2! Ladies, why are we still talking? Let’s start pulling out extensions and using your Lee Press-On Nails to scratch off each other’s faces!
Sean is rapidly approaching the house, and everyone in America is crossing their fingers that he walks in while the Tierra Crazy Train is barreling straight ahead. Unfortunately, the fight ends before he arrives . However, Sean finds Tierra, crying hysterically on her cot, wailing about how hard all of this is for her.
She tells him that she 1) hates getting emotional and 2) hates confrontation. Sean just looks at her in disbelief and you can almost see something snap in his head. He goes outside to collect his thoughts and then heads back to Tierra’s Cot of Drama to let her know that it’s time for her to hit the bricks. Of course, Tierra cries hysterically. I’ll bet the other girls are already shoveling her crap into her suitcase.
He walks her out, and a rogue camera man accidentally gets in the shot and stands there, for a few seconds, totally oblivious that he’s in the middle of the shot. As Tierra’s loaded into the Van of Shame, she’s screaming about how no one is going to take her sparkle. We are also treated to another fantastic shot of an entire camera crew, who are standing around, checking their phones and likely talking about the nutjob that Sean just sent home. That shot made my night.
Later that night, the other girls are wondering what happened to Tierra, and aren’t sure if she will be at the rose ceremony that night. Sean announces that he sent her packing and that there will be no cocktail party tonight. He just wants to get right down to business and hand out flowers.
Once again, AshLee’s busy spouting her fortune cookie riddles, and I’m kind of hoping she’s the one to go home. He starts to hand out roses and soon it’s down to AshLee and Lesley. The last rose goes to AshLee, and Lesley slumps her head over and walks out. The other girls are shocked, and Catherine’s near hysterics.
Lesley says she doesn’t know how she’ll recover from this heartbreak. Um, you spent like three boring hours with this guy. I think your heart will go on, honey.
Next week, the remaining four girls take Sean to meet their parents in their hometowns. The Ashley is a big fan of the hometown dates, because they are always chock full of hi-jinks!