It’s finally here! Bachelor in Paradise has arrived! Loose women, lying and lots of tears, all in a tropical setting, what more could we ‘Bachelor’ fans want?! With the crew of crazies that ABC has assembled, there’s sure to be a ton of drama (and more than likely a lot of penicillin shots required.)
The episode kicks off with Chris Harrison in a linen suit, pink shirt and no tie. You know it’s going to be good when Chris is wearing a pink shirt.
The contestants start to arrive, with Sarah from Sean‘s season coming in first. I’m sure the producers of this show will exploit the fact that she only has one arm to the fullest extent, just like they did when she was on ‘The Bachelor.’
Clare, famous for her wild sexy-time romp in the ocean with Juan Sleazo, arrives next. She is still all mad about being dumped by the Sleaze, and says that men are going to have to come to her this time because, she’s tired of throwing herself at dudes. I give her 35 minutes to find some neanderthal to hump in the ocean.
Marcus of Andi’s season comes in next. He’s still pretending to be heartbroken over Andi. I think one jaunt in the water with Clare will take care of that real quick.
Daniella, a girl from Sean’s season comes up the beach next. She’s not really memorable for anything, except for being one of the non-memorable blonds from Sean’s season. She’s ready to ho it up big time, telling the cameras, “Bring on the guys!”
Graham arrives next. He’s a throw-back all the way to DeAnna’s season. He’s 35 and still doing these shows. While he looks damn good for 35, it’s still time for him to think about letting this part of his life go. Just sayin’…
Lacy is the next girl to arrive. No one knows who the hell she is because she got kicked to the curb by Juan Pablo the first night. She’s determined to do whatever it takes (i.e. sleep with whoever it takes) to stay on the show longer this time. Um, you go girl?
Ben, the douche who brought his kid the first night of Desiree’s season arrives and is immediately looking to slug back a few drinks. Some of the Paradisers give Ben a less-than-stellar welcome, mainly because he acted like such a crapball during his season. He immediately takes a few shots and surveys the women folk, but doesn’t appear to be too thrilled with the specimens.
Next to arrive is Michelle K., who no one remembers because she was on Jake Pavelka’s season. She’s been off the “Bachelor’” circuit for a while, doesn’t have enormous jugs and has an off-putting personality, so there is only one reason that Michelle has been chosen for this show.. she’s batsh*t crazy so, in other words, ratings gold.
Dylan from Andi’s season arrives, and Marcus says he’s happy to have a guy he knows is there for the “right reasons.” Um…what, per say, are the right reasons to come on a show like this? To find out the current trends in women’s pubic hair sculpting? To learn what the current treatment for crabs is?
Dylan is followed by Elise of Juan Pablo’s season. No one cared much about Elise back then. The only thing I remember about her is that she once made a really creepy flannel-themed naughty video before going on reality TV.
AshLee, who has, by now basically dated every single guy in the franchise, arrives next. She’s on this show
to find love to stalk Graham and finally prove to everyone that Sean Lowe, did, in fact, tell her he loved her in the Fantasy Suites.
Chris Harrison arrives, donning a leisure suit that would make Don Johnson squeal with delight, and asks everyone if they’re single. Michelle hints that she’s not and Graham immediately gets up from his seat next to her and peaces out over to the other couch. Don’t worry, Graham, you can’t catch crazy. You can, however, catch venereal diseases…
Chris tells the Paradisers to look around and see which person in the group they want to bone. He informs them that there will be a rose ceremony and whatever lady that doesn’t end up paired up with a guy will be getting a ticket home. That, of course, worries everyone, especially Clare, who isn’t sure she will be able to boink a guy in the ocean in time to stay. I mean, she’s experienced and all but, hey, sometimes time just works against you.
Elise congratulates herself for making connections with the guys before even knowing the “couples” rule. She’s genuinely proud of herself for this, telling us, “I didn’t even know the rule!”
Lacy, too, is proud that she has already grabbed Robert and pulled him into the water. She says that she’s determined to “make a connection” with a guy so that she’s not sent home the first day like she was on JP’s season.
The other girls, of course, are turned off by Lacy’s aggressiveness. They wanted to be the first one to connect their private parts to a guy in the ocean. Well ladies, you’re going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to be the trampiest girl on Tramp Island.
Meanwhile, Marcus is having some private reflective times alone on the beach. He says he misses Andi a lot, so he does what any man that’s surrounded by hot women desperate to get frisky would do: he strips down to his Hanes His Way boxer briefs and goes for a solo swim. The gang, however, sees Marcus’ , um, display and it makes quite the impression on Lacy, who is reconsidering which guy she should have her legs wrapped around.
She immediately dashes out to join Marcus on his underwear swim, which Sarah says is deplorable, especially because she, herself, wanted Marcus but wasn’t willing to show her lady bits to him on the first night. Marcus keeps a safe distance from Lacy, which makes Robert happy. He later chats with Lacy, telling her that she has “been wet” for the last eight hours. (Har har har…Oh, Robert, you card!)
Robert says that Lacy is a triple threat—beautiful, smart and…he can’t remember a third trait so allow me to provide one for ya, Rob. It starts with an “S” and rhymes with “putty!”
Elise and Dylan, meanwhile, make their way into the water for some alone time. (These people do know that saltwater doesn’t wash away STDs, right?) A few people watch as Elise and Dylan share their first kiss and talk about how cute they are together.
The next day, Daniella says that people are starting to get to know each other better (i.e. already swapping bodily fluids).
AshLee and Graham seem to be hitting it off, which is no surprise because AshLee admits to cyber-stalking him for a while now, so she probably has his Facebook profile memorized. Daniella laughs, telling us that AshLee immediately assumes that all guys are going to love and marry her if they look in her direction. She tells us that Graham should run as far away from AshLee and her neediness as he can.
The first date card arrives and it’s for Clare. She gets to choose a man to take with her, and she says that this will be the first time she’s ever asked a guy out before. Yeah, I mean, usually she just wraps her legs around a dude and thrusts her pelvis into his no-no zone and he usually gets the picture.
She chooses Graham to go on the date, which causes AshLee to basically go into a breakdown. Well, it took 46 minutes but we’ve already got someone blubbering over the toilet seat.
“Everyone knows Graham is into me!” she wails. “I’m the only normal person here besides him,” she tells Daniella.
Statements like that will surely make you lots of pals, Ash.
Clare seems to be oblivious that AshLee wanted to get her claws into Graham, but later, AshLee is having a “whore-monial” breakdown, telling the other girls that Clare is not even pretty. Oh, and she slept with Juan Pablo so you know she’s a hoe-waffle.
Clare hears what AshLee said about her, so she retreats to a private nook of the beach. She cries about how she doesn’t want any drama and then proceeds to tell a raccoon that she doesn’t understand why girls don’t like her. Since when do raccoons live on the beach?
Seriously, how did I not know this? I thought raccoons only lived in the woods and forests and stuff? Maybe this one came all the way from Oregon or something because he liked to watch trainwrecks.
After her critter therapy session, Clare goes to find AshLee, who reveals that she is mad because she likes Graham. Clare offers her date to AshLee, who declines. She offers to take a different guy, which makes AshLee happy. (Good call, Clare. You don’t want “Murdered in sleep on Bachelor in Paradise” listed in your obituary as your cause of death. That’s just embarrassing.)
Clare tells Graham that their date isn’t going to happen, then proceeds to tell Robert that, now that she can’t take Graham, he’s the next best thing. Wow, that must make ol’ Rob feel great. Regardless, he goes to his hut to scrub up his private parts for his impending date with Clare.
He and Clare head off into the jungle to explore some ruins. Clare is sporting some chandelier earrings because, well, that’s what you wear for a hike through a historical site. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dipsh*t do their best to decipher the map, which is in Spanish, but end up getting lost. Eventually, they realize that the big giant rock things are, indeed, the ruins they were looking for all along.
Somehow, Rob finds himself covered in fire ants, so he quickly shucks off his shirt. He is still itchy, however. Hate to break it to you, Rob, but fire ants aren’t the only thing that will make you itchy after a date with Clare…just sayin’…
Back at Gonorrhea Manor, another date card has arrived for Sarah. She will be choosing a guy to go on a date with her that night. She chooses Marcus, which pisses off Lacy, who was planning to let Marcus pollinate her feminine flower later that night.
Sarah and Marcus head off to their date, which takes them down into a cave filled with water. It’s an underground oasis. Luckily, someone “left” some spotlights in there to light up the cave and capture all the water-based cavorting. Sarah does perhaps the most shocking thing that will ever happen on this show: she wears a one-piece bathing suit. Like, her boobs and ladyjunk weren’t even hanging out. WTF?
Apparently Marcus likes her modest look because they share a sweet kiss while in the cave.
Back at the house, Lacy is still freaking out that she won’t be chosen at the upcoming rose ceremony. Who wouldn’t want her? She cries, grinds her privates into almost every guy, and kind of looks like a cracked-out Marsha Brady. She’s every man’s dream.
All of a sudden, the music starts getting all creepy and the camera reveals that…Michelle Money has arrived. Lacy freaks out because she realizes that, with six guys and now eight girls, two women will be going home. (Another shocker: Lacy can count to eight!)
“How come there are, like, so many girls in the house?” Daniella asks.
All of the other girls are unhappy because Michelle is so pretty and all of the guys are going to want her. She announces that she got a date card.
She quickly steals Graham aside and they talk about their failed relationship from the Bachelor Pad days. Michelle then tells us that she’s ready to move on so she goes to find Marquel, who she asks on a date. He accepts, but I think he’s just happy somebody talked to him. Seriously, that dude hasn’t said anything in days.
They go horseback riding, which scares Marquel because he has never been on a horse. Michelle, however, is an expert at riding things.
Back at Gonorrhea Manor, Lacy has also gotten a date card. She says she’s not sure who to take on the date. She tells us that she’s “80/40” she’s picking Marcus though.
She likes Marcus, but since he went on a date with Sarah earlier, she’s not sure he’d be able to pressure-wash his private parts in time, so she selects Robert to go out with her. This, of course, devastates Marcus, who is infatuated with Lacy. He is talking about how they are meant to be and how much he likes her, while at that exact moment, Lacy is thrusting her private parts into Robert’s no-no region.
I’m fairly certain Lacy isn’t going home this week, but she may be going to “the clinic.”
That night, Clare says that she’s worried about tonight’s rose ceremony. I’m sorry, but if you’re 33 years old, you should never be uttering the words “I’m worried about tonight’s rose ceremony.” Just sayin’…
The guys and girls line up, facing each other. Chris Harrison reminds the girls that they don’t have to accept a guy’s rose but if they find themselves without one, they get the boot.
Marquel is about to hand out the first rose when Michelle K., who has been strangely silent throughout this entire hot mess of an episode, speaks up. She says that she wants to go home because she hasn’t made a connection with any of the guys here.
Something is up…crazy doesn’t just leave peacefully and sensibly.
Chris Harrison encourages Michelle to stay and see what happens but she is set on leaving. She heads out to the waiting car and mumbles incoherently to a producer waiting inside. This girl is plotting something or in need of psychiatric medication.
Finally, Marquel gets his chance to hand out a flower and he gives it to Michelle Money, the only girl that looked his way the whole episode. Michelle, since we have last seen her, has gone and found that raccoon that Clare was talking to and skinned it, placing his fur on her head. Seriously, W.T.F. is on your head, girl?
Next, Graham presents his rose to AshLee, mainly because he’s afraid that he will find his Charlie Browns floating in the Jacuzzi the following morning if he doesn’t.
Dylan is next, and he gives his rose to Elise. Apparently, they must have been getting along really well but are too uninteresting to have their relationship shown on camera. Elise tells us that she’s already in love with Dylan. Fabulous.
Marcus is up next, and even though he basically promised his rose to Sarah, he gives his flower to Lacy. This pisses off Sarah. (I knew that one-piece bathing suit would come back to haunt her!) Marcus choosing Lacy also angers Robert, who was planning on giving Lacy his rose too.
He says that this makes him wonder what he and Lacy have.
Because Lacy already has a rose, Robert’s forced to choose Clare, who’s thrilled. It must feel great to be someone’s second pick’s second pick!
Ben is the last to hand out a rose. His only choices are Sarah and Daniella, so he goes with Sarah. Daniella is extremely disappointed that she will miss all of the shenanigans and syphilis that the rest of the season will offer, but she says her goodbyes and is on her way back home.
Until next week, my fellow crappy reality TV lovers!