The Ashley missed the first few minutes of The Bachelor. All she knows is Jimmy Kimmel showed up and sent one of these broads to Costco to buy crap. The Ashley isn’t sure what happened before that, but I’m sure it was just a few chicks crying, someone gushing about Chris and his abs, and Ashley I. talking about how much she looks like Kim Kardashian.
After their Costco date, the broad (whose name is Kaitlyn) and Chris head out for drinks, and of course, Jimmy Kimmel shows up to judge whether or not Kaitlyn is a suitable wife for Chris. I can tell you by that horrendous outfit she’s wearing—white sports bra top, plaid jacket tied around her waist and jean shorts—that she’s not. The only thing she’s suitable for in that get-up is a Hanson concert circa 1996.
Kaitlyn tells Jimmy that’s she’s dated farmers before. Well…one farmer…who had an, um, “cow farm.” I don’t know anything about Kaitlyn…except that she’s a damn liar. Girl, sit down with your “cow farm!” If you’re going to lie, at least become better at it.
Jimmy advises Chris to sleep with as many girls as he can during his stint as ‘The Bachelor.’ So…he’s basically telling Chris to be Juan Pablo.
Kaitlyn is nervously laughing, and starts to scoot away when Jimmy mentions that they should have a threesome. Chris ends up giving Kaitlyn the rose.
The next day is a group date. Jimmy, Chris and the girls arrive at a “farm” to demonstrate how well they can adapt to “farm life.” For the task, most of the girls have dolled themselves to look like they’re ready to star as Maryanne in a “Gilligan’s Island”-themed p0rn.
First they shuck corn, then they collect some eggs from a chicken coop and crack them into pans. Next, the remaining girls head to milk some goats. Naturally, Jillian is wearing shorts so tiny that even a goat teet wouldn’t fit in them. Of course, she does this while wearing a shirt that says “Stay Classy.” As you do.
A few of the girls guzzle down the goat’s milk, and one describes it as “salty and warm.” Hmm…save it for the Fantasy Suite, ya pervs!
One girl is lactose intolerant, but is determined to chug the goat’s milk to stay in the game. You know a girl is serious about the “game” if she’s willing to sacrifice her digestive tract and spend the rest of the night on the toilet, all in the name of love.
The final step in this ridiculousness is for the girls to go wrestle a greased-up pig. I’m fairly certain this is not the first time most of these girls have wrestled a greased-up pig. After all, this is LA and they are basically in any club or bar you go to. (They’ll be the ones that start off the conversation with “Daaaamn girl…” and will be wearing way too much cologne.)
Carly, the cruise ship singer, is the winner, so she will be rewarded with…nothing, except a gut full of goat’s milk. Chris and the gals head to (where else?) a hotel pool and the glasses had barely clinked to “cheers” when Carly demands Chris come with her. He calls her “beautiful” because, well, he probably doesn’t know her name. Of course, that doesn’t matter to Chris because when Carly kisses him, he eats her face.
Next, it’s time for Amber to get her mack on with Chris. He has barely washed Carly’s saliva out of his mouth when he locks lips with Amber…and then Britt. Of course, Mackenzie feels really “unspecial” because she sees him kissing other girls. She straight-out asks him why he would dare kiss all of these other chicks. Um…at least Chris is just kissing people. Ol’ Juan Pablo was literally sticking body parts in girls!
Finally, Becca gets alone time with Chris and after a nice chat, she tells him that she wants to kiss him but that she doesn’t want to rush things. Chris puts the Trojan UltraLite back in his pocket and tells her she doesn’t have to kiss him yet.
It’s time for Chris to give out the date rose and all of the hens are clucking with excitement over who will get it. He gives it to Becca, the girl that didn’t kiss him, which makes the other girls feel kind of trashy.
The next day, the date card arrives for Whitney. She and Chris head out to a winery to talk about how Whitney meets people randomly at airports.
All of a sudden, they just happen to spy a wedding taking place on the hill below. Whitney decides that they should crash the wedding.
Let’s stop here for a sec—this is one of the rudest things to ever happen on this show (and that’s saying a lot!) The poor bride and groom get one day to be the star, and some B-list celeb and his camera crew are going to steal it. I want to punch them all in the face.
Whitney says she loves that they’re being “spontaneous.” Spontaneous, selfish and spotlight-stealing…you know, same same.
They at least had the courtesy to change their clothes and ditch (some) of the camera crew. They head into the reception, and the camera guy is filming from a far. Since no one is paying attention to them, Chris and Whitney head over to talk to some of the wedding party to make sure they know who Chris is. Whitney is showing off her (fake) engagement ring.
They dance on the dance floor (and make out) to steal even more of the spotlight. The bride and groom’s family must have been OK with being on camera because they eventually signed releases to be shown on camera. (That’s why their faces weren’t blurred out, by the way.)
As the cherry on the mooch sundae, Chris steals a rose from the wedding décor and presents it to Whitney.
(Reality Steve seems to have proof that the wedding crashing was all set-up by producers before the actual date. This makes me happy.)
The next morning, Chris is busy working out (and showering outside, of course). Jimmy arrives at the Mansion, and all of the girls try to act like he didn’t wear out his welcome a day or two ago.
Jimmy tells the girls that there won’t be a cocktail party that night; instead they will be having a pool party. The girls all dash upstairs to wax their hoohas. Ashley I is angry that she won’t have a chance to sport her “sleek Kim Kardashian look” at the cocktail party. (No, she actually said that.)
All of the girls are dressed like a hipsters heading to Coachella, with their bejeweled headbands and fringed bikinis. It’s like an Urban Outfitters threw up in there.
Juelia decides that the pool party is a great time to bring up her dead husband. Yes, let’s squeeze in a convo about my husband’s suicide right in between the margaritas and the cannonball contest.
Chris looks like he’s trying hard to pay attention to her sad story, but you can tell he’s dying to get back into the pool full of waxed and wild girls.
While Juelia’s story is very sad, she needs counseling, not some reality dude’s shoulder to cry on for three minutes in between his make out sessions.
He manages to finally break away from sobbing Juelia. Does her suicide story trump Ashley I’s waxed Kim Kardashian ass? Who will get the rose? Dun.Dun.Dun.
Britt comes over (in full makeup and eyelashes…for the pool party) and is just hanging on this poor dude. He tries to talk to her but she just keeps sticking her nasty ass tongue down his mouth. Meanwhile, Jade and some other chick are angry that it’s not them sticking their tongues down his throat.
Jade makes her move and asks him to take her to his place. Jillian (and her hanging-out ass checks) decides to sneak over to Chris’ house and wait in his hot tub. Jade and Chris decide to “test out” Chris’ bed. Chris jumps on, and so does Jade, but not before she tells him she’s about to “poop” herself. Nothing says romance like talking about spraying your fecal matter on a dude’s bed!
Chris doesn’t seem to be too worried, since he makes out with Jade, leaving Jillian out in the hot tub alone.
He hangs out with her for a while in the hot tub but Ashley I. wants to hunt him down. She’s sporting her “Kardashian pool look” y’all, so you know she’s getting her time in.
Ashley, Megan and Mackenzie aren’t able to get Jillian and her exposed ass out of the hot tub to let them have some alone time with Chris. Ashley finally gets to spend time alone with Chris and all she wants to talk about (and cry about) is not getting “her time.” Oh Dear GOD!
It’s finally time for Chris to give out the freaking flowers. He gets right into it, giving the first ones to Jade, Samantha and Juelia, followed by Mackenzie. The next flowers go to Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S. (because he likes crazy) and Nikki. Jillian (and her ass) get the next one. Finally there is only one rose left, and Ashley I. can’t believe that her “Kardashian look” hasn’t snagged her a rose yet. He gives her the last one and she dramatically accepts it.
That eliminates Amber, as well as Tracy and Trina. (Who the hell are they anyway?)
Next week, all of the girls are falling in love with Chris (of course) and those that aren’t are making out with him. Of course, there’s lots of drama, lots of exposed asses and lots of jealous ho-bags.
Until next week, kiddies!
Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Bachelor’ episode? Click here!