Welcome back, crappy TV lovers! This week’s episode of Teen Mom OG is entitled “Back to School.” This seems to be an odd choice, as nearly all of the ‘Teen Mom’ stars have chucked the idea of going to school in favor of reality TV stardom. Maci Bookout, for instance, can’t go “back to school” because, well, she’s been in school for about nine years, working toward that gosh dern Associate’s degree. #CollegeIsHardY’all
Anyway, the episode kicks off where we left off last week, with Catelynn and Tyler being pregnant, Ryan being a bag ‘o’ dicks and Amber and Gary being coy about getting back together. Farrah was not in the episode, as she was surely spinning around some stripper pole in Texas or hawking her plastic butts or something. We are not sure if she will be making an appearance in this episode.
We start in Indiana, where Gary invites Amber to go with him and Leah to buy Leah’s school supplies. Gary picks her up and immediately starts putting his meaty paws all over Amber, tickling her until she squeals.
They go to Art Mart to pick up crayons and whatnot (which, apparently, Leah enjoys snacking on from time to time). Now that they’ve got MTV checks coming in the mail again, they are able to buy Leah the real “Crayolas” instead of the imitation crayons. They just taste better, you know?
Anyway, they leave Art Mart and realize that everyone that lives above the store is staring at them. Can we just address the fact that there are literally people sitting out on the balcony in lawn chairs above the Art Mart? I guess it could come in handy to live above the Art Mart if you are high, have the munchies and need to get some crayons to eat.
Next we check in with Catelynn and Tyler, who are going to get their first ultrasound done. Tyler is still not ready to marry Cate, and keeps putting off the subject of marriage. (To be honest, I think he just wants to hold off on the wedding until Butch is out of prison and can serve as their ring bearer. He can hold the wedding bands in his mullet.)
Tyler says that he wants a boy really bad, but they don’t want to know what the baby’s sex is just yet. They are going to find out at a gender reveal party. Tyler keeps calling the baby a “he,” but Kiki the producer is the only one that gets to know the gender.
In Tennessee, Ryan’s being a general douche goblin, as per usual. He tells his dad that he doesn’t like having the cameras back in his face, and he doesn’t like “talkin’ about stuff” and whatnot. But, you know, that MTV money buys a lot of Redman chewin’ tobaccy and PBR beer, so he puts up with it. (Spit.)
Ryan’s dad enjoys the forced conversation because it’s really the only time his turd-of-a-son will talk to him. Anyway, Ryan tells his dad that he’s not going to attend Bentley’s first day of kindergarten because he has to work, and then he gets all red-faced and angry at Bentley for no reason. (Is Ryan dipping into Adam Lind‘s steroid stash or something? Good Lord. He needs to go find Kieffer, smoke “the weed”, chill out and, hell, eat a crayon!)
Meanwhile, Maci tells Taylor that she’s worried Bentley will start getting girlfriends now that he’s starting kindergarten. “I had a lot of boyfriends in kindergarten,” she tells him. (Not to mention all the boyfriends she’s had since she’s been on ‘Teen Mom.’ Man, I miss Kyle. His unintelligible grunts were so fun to poke fun at. #IsKyleSlow)
Maci is not happy when she finds out that Ryan is going to miss Bentley’s first day of school. Maci says that she would miss work to attend. (Of course, she hasn’t had an actual job since George W. Bush was in office, but…just sayin’…) Taylor tells Maci to “drink a beer and get over it,” but also suggests she take Bentley to a therapist.
Later, Ryan, his parents and Bentley go to lunch, and Ryan’s being his usual, delightful self. Ryan is shoving some sort of beer-battered fried food into his mouth as fast as he can, and it’s obvious that Bentley is uncomfortable as soon as Ryan arrives.
Bentley whispers to his Grandpa that his real home is at Maci’s place, which pisses Ryan off. He shoves the last fried item into his gullet and takes off, saying he has to go to work. Bentley literally claps as his dad leaves. Ryan’s dad, meanwhile, is so mad he’s shaking. He even expresses his anger to the ‘Teen Mom’ crew over his son’s bad attitude.
In Indiana, Amber’s chatting with Cousin Krystal (who’s feeling fresh after her free MTV-paid-for mani/pedi from last episode). Gary’s flirting has gotten Amber’s loins a’quiverin’ and she doesn’t know what to do about it. Krystal lounges on the bed (for best visibility of her breast tattoos, naturally) and asks if Gary still wants to be with Kristina.
Meanwhile, Gary’s having breakfast (at some place that resembles a hospital cafeteria?) with his brother and talking about the possibility of him and Amber getting back together. Leah’s all for it, but Gary’s unsure. His brother advises Gary to pull out his old ‘Teen Mom’ Season 1 DVDs and watch Amber brutalize him and throw a giant TV at his head.
Gary’s brother doles out some advice, telling him to avoid tickling Amber, unless he breaks up with Kristina. Tickling, Gary’s bro explains, means you “want some candy” and that if you can’t do something to “a random old man in a parking lot,” then you shouldn’t do it to your ex-girlfriend. Good Lord. Just to be safe, avoid taking your grandparents to any Indiana Walmarts for the foreseeable future.
In Michigan, Catelynn and Tyler are making healthy food in hopes that Cate won’t gain a ton of weight. She’s already gained 20 pounds, but doesn’t want to hear Tyler spew the knowledge he’s gained from reading things online about how women should only gain nine pounds in their first few months of pregnancy.
Just then, April arrives and drops Cate’s little brother off for a little while.
Then, we get a flashback sequence showing Cate and Ty’s somewhat creepy family tree. We get to see a clip of April marrying Butch(!) They explain that Butch is serving three years in prison for assaulting April, which is the reason April divorced him. Speaking of Butch, he has sent Ty and Nick letters. Nick reads the letter, which states how much Butch loves him. Butch even traded some of his bags of chips to have a cool Batman birthday card drawn for Nick. “You can’t buy nuthin’ like that at no Walmart store,” Butch writes. (Yessss.)
It makes Nick sad that Butch has missed his birthday, something Tyler can relate to. He tells Nick that Butch has missed 20 of his birthdays. (Mind you, Tyler’s only 23. Do better Butch! Also, The Ashley’s birthday is in January– send her a mullet clipping!)
Later, Butch calls Tyler from prison and Tyler tells him that watching Nick read Butch’s letter was like watching himself 10 years ago. He tells Butch how bad he has hurt him. Butch says he’s expecting to get out of prison in March (he didn’t because he violated his parole, BTW), and that he can’t wait to get his mug back on MTV!
Tyler tells Butch he’ll have to get a job, but Butch says he “can’t find no work” and will have to look into getting into p0rn. (I hear there’s a real market for mullet p0rn these days!)
Butch then cracks the best joke of the episode, saying that he needs to get a hold of Farrah to see if she can help him get into the adult film business!
Oh Butch! The Ashley couldn’t love ya more! MTV– can we give this man a spin-off or what?!
Meanwhile, Gary’s girlfriend Kristina has to go to her aunt’s house for the night because, her ex-husband, “don’t want their daughter on this show.” Kristina’s stressed, mostly because she knows that she will probably cross paths with Amber, since their kids go to the same school, and she “don’t want no issues.” Gary assures Kristina that she has nothing to worry about.
“She don’t want to go back to prison, so it’s not like she’s gonna come up and hit you or nothin’,” he tells her.
Can we just end the episode right here? How is it going to get any better than this, honestly?
As soon as Amber gets word that Kristina has left, she heads over there. Amber brings Leah some new clothes for school and they set off to drop Leah off. As soon as they pull up to the school, they see Kristina, and Amber starts to freak out. Leah demands that Amber meet Kristina, but Amber’s not having it. She sits in the car and lets Gary take Leah into the school. It’s hard for Amber to watch Gary interact with Kristina, and she’s not saying much in the car after the drop-off. Luckily, Gary fills the silence with grunts.
Later, Amber is talking to Krystal about how she expected to get back with Gary when she got out of prison, but he has swindled her and made a whole other family with Kristina behind her back. Seeing Leah react to Kristina at school hurt Amber and now she feels out of place.
In Tennessee, Ryan’s mom and Maci are chatting about how sad it is that Ryan’s missing Bentley’s first day of school. Maci says that MTV is not allowed to film at Bentley’s school, which is good because being on the show has already kind of made Bentley a freak-show with his classmates. Kids know him as Bentley from ‘Teen Mom,’ which is kind of sad.
The next morning, Maci has a hard time after dropping Bentley off. She heads to a therapist to talk about her problems. She explains that Ryan is very absent from Bentley’s life and she doesn’t know how to explain to her son that his daddy is a crapgoblin.
Meanwhile, Tyler and Catelynn are preparing to make their pregnancy Instagram official. They both post the same pic of Catelynn’s baby belly at the same time and watch as the Instagram followers start to heckle them. Later that day, Tyler expresses how bad he wants a boy (whom he wants to name Slade? Um?! Is that after one of Butch’s prison buddies? DO.NOT.NAME.YOUR.KID.SLADE.EVER.) They know they will name her Nova if it’s a girl.
Meanwhile, Amber is calling Gary to talk to Leah, but she basically just tells her mom that she doesn’t want to talk to her. This makes Gary giggle but Amber gets really upset. After Amber hangs up, Leah explains that she had to eat her Cheetos and ain’t nobody got time to talk to Amber! (Wow…she really is Gary’s child, isn’t she?)
Gary’s prepared some sort of bread log for the dinner, which he serves up to his family, while Amber sits alone at her home. The next day, Amber tells Cousin Krystal that Leah has a whole family with Gary, and she’s just a single parent. This is the reason that Amber hasn’t tried to get full custody of Leah, because she doesn’t want to rip her out of a happy home.
In Michigan, it’s time for Cate and Ty’s gender reveal party. They’ve rented the finest park overhang and are grillin’ up hot dogs in celebration. “I don’t care what it is, but I really want a boy,” Tyler keeps saying. Catelynn informs the moms that they were originally going to name the baby Gracien if it was a boy, but now Tyler wants Slade.
“Don’t you DARE!” Tyler’s mom, Kim, tells him. (Thank goodness for Kim! You know she’ll always be a voice of reason in the crowd.)
The pinata arrives, and the producer that brings it advises them to “pull out hard” to reveal the candy. Um…clearly, Ty is not good at doing that…
Ty and Cate pull the pinata strings to reveal that they are having a girl. Tyler is clearly disappointed, and can barely manage to smile.
“All my plans are just crumbling,” Tyler says.
Tyler’s sister, Amber, suggests that maybe it’s actually a boy, but that he just has a really small um, unit.
“No, they say they get their penises from their dad so that can’t be true,” Catelynn says.
And…there goes my lunch. Thanks Cate. (And…her grandmother was standing there as she said that, naturally.)
“I’ll get excited as time goes on,” Tyler says.
Next week, Amber tells Dr. Drew she’s getting full custody of Leah, and Tyler runs into problems after he posts pics of Carly to social media.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!