Dear God…it’s back. After the two-hour premiere on Sunday night, ABC threw out yet another two-hour steaming heap of Bachelor in Paradise on Monday night. Forcing The Ashley to watch this show two nights a week could be considered cruel and unusual punishment in some states.
This episode starts off back on Trainwreck Beach, where Clare has just arrived. (Of course she’s back on this show. Where else would she be? It is summer, after all. And, of course, Clare’s still single. Eventually they’ll have to start beaming her in via satellite from whatever retirement home she goes to live in.
Anyway, as a new arrival, Clare is given a date card right away.
She is immediately drawn to Jared and his Keebler-elf-like looks, but consults with some of the girls to see who’s laid claim to which dicks. Clare is being careful not to steal anyone’s man, and the ladies decide to give her Dan, the dude who hasn’t spoken yet and no one knows.
Unfortunately, even Dan is coupled up. ‘Member when he hitched a ride to the hospital with Ashley S. last episode? Apparently if you hold someone’s hair while they puke in the ER that means you’re a couple…or something.
That leaves only JJ and Mikey for Clare to consider taking on her date. She’s not thrilled with either choice, but, hey, peni is peni.
Clare says she creeps on other people’s “relaytis.” Yes, she made that word up and, yes, I’d like to hit her in the face with a coconut for doing so.
Mikey pulls Clare aside and basically begs her to take his sorry ass on her date, since none of the other girls like him. Clare, feeling somewhat nice and somewhat horny, agrees to take him.
Clare and Mikey leave and head to a resort. Clare’s hoping to do something wild, like riding on a dinosaur’s back. Yes..
Alas, there’s no dinosaur (or Juan Pablo) for Clare to ride. Instead, she finds out that she’ll be stuck in a treehouse with some dude who looks like he hasn’t showered since Clinton was in office, doing tantric yoga with Mikey. (For those of you who aren’t into The Yoga and whatnot, “tantric yoga” means you have to get all up in each other’s naughty regions.)
“I hope we don’t have to rub privies on the first date,” she squeals.
Um…girl, you’ve rubbed “privies” with just about every dude that’s ever been on this show. Let’s quit the demure act. Especially since, two minutes later, she’s got her face in Mikey’s sweaty crotch. (See the clip below!)
Soon, Mikey’s got Clare in the “downward” motion, and it makes him dream of the day where he’ll get to reenact that position without a sweaty Yogi staring at them. (Also…ew…)
After the yoga, Mikey is basically trying to “wife up” Clare, but she shuts that down pretty fast She says she wants to be free to explore all of her options in terms of man-meat.
Back on Trainwreck Beach, the gang (bang) is in the pool, except for Tenley, who is hoping for a date card. Unfortunately, the next date card arrives for Ashley S. This bums Tenley out because no one likes her and Ashley already has Dan’s wing-wanger on lockdown.
Dan and Ashley S. go on a dinner date and talk about how great their “first date” at the hospital was. OK, that’s great and all but…seriously who is this dude?! Do we have any actual proof that he was on a season of ‘The Bachelorette?’
Later, Ashley says that Dan makes her feel both like a woman and a child and that she likes that feeling. That sounds mildly inappropriate and I keep expecting Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” to jump out from behind a palm tree and ask her to explain that statement.
Tenley is realizing that most of the guys are already wifed up and that no one wants her because she’s old. “I’m a crazy cougar!” she tells Mikey who, for some reason, is still trying to make the man bun work.
Tenley is oblivious that Mikey’s trying to get with her. In fact, she sees Jared on the beach and runs down to him to see if she can woo him, leaving Mikey alone and speechless.
Ashley I., who also likes Jared, sees this and starts bawling. She’s crying that Tenley (or “the old lady” as she calls her) is stealing her man, and that clearly, this means she will “die alone.”
Seriously? Everyone knows that people like Ashley I. never die. They live to be 198 so they can irritate many, many generations of people.
Lauren is trying to convince Ashley I. to go after Jared so that he will give her a rose and they will both get to stay. She swoops in and steals Jared away from Tenley. Jared looks terrified but goes with Ashley, leaving Tenley to cry about roses and old people and Jared and whatnot.
Ashley I. is clearly drunk, so she decides to yammer on to Jared about how hot he is, how she can’t talk to him.
Girl—bring up the Aladdin crap again! Guys love that!
Both Ashley and Lauren are drunk, sunburned and basically hated by everyone on Trainwreck Beach. In other words, they were made for this show.
It’s time for the first cocktail party and rose ceremony. The girls are all suited up in their club dresses and heels (on the beach, as you do), hoping to woo a man into giving them a stupid flower so they can stay another week.
The beach quickly turns into a harem, with the unattached girls basically rubbing their naughties on guys who could give them a rose. Jillian and Tenley are forced to foist themselves onto JJ, which is surely the lowest point of both of these girls’ lives. Jillian is laying it on thick and JJ is being a complete buttwipe, as per usual.
Next it’s Tenley’s turn to throw herself at this dickwad. Tenley sucks at being aggressive with men, but JJ is actually digging that. We know this because he’s grabbing Tenley’s butt the whole time during their conversation. Classy, bro.
The end up kissing and Tenley runs up to tell her pal Clare how proud she is of herself for being such a hoebag, which she says is out of character for her.
Meanwhile, Ashley I. knows that her and her sister’s survival depend on if she can get Jared to touch her no-nos and give her his rose.
Um…isn’t Jared a restaurant manager? Does Ashley know this? That’s not exactly the salary that would afford Ashley I. her Princess Jasmine salary. Just sayin’… he’d have to log a ton of hours at TGI Friday’s to pay for one of Ashley’s “Kardashian” style handbags.
Later, Clare sits down with Jared, who tells her that he plans to give her his rose if she hasn’t gotten one by the time it’s his turn to hand out his flower. This makes Ashley collapse into yet another fit of tears.
It’s time for the dudes to hand out their roses. Tanner gives his rose to Jade, which is no surprise. Next up is Kirk, who gives his flower to Carly. Dan picks Ashley S. and Jonathan picks Juelia.
It’s Mikey’s turn to deliver his rose. He picks Clare, and she’s a little upset because she doesn’t want his meatstick; she’d prefer Jared’s. Speaking of Jared, it’s time for him to hand out his flower. He chooses Ashley I. (WHAT.THE.HELL.DUDE!? We had a deal!)
That leaves only Tenley and Jillian left. The only guy who hasn’t given out his rose is JJ. He acts all dramatic and important before giving his rose to Tenley.
Jillian is shocked. After all, she got fake boobs for this show! She is the first one going home and she just runs off in tears. She boards the Pity Shuttle, wondering if she should have gone a cup size larger.
After the episode, they do the “After the Paradise” talk show. The Ashley refuses to recap this. Call me if someone murders someone else during this segment. Otherwise you guys are on your own!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ episode, click here!