It’s that time again, folks: Pop some Valtrex (because just watching this show can make it burn when you pee) and let’s get to some Bachelor in Paradise!
They kick things off with the cheesy intro featuring the entire cast being introduced while the song “Almost Paradise” plays in the background. Whoever performed this God-awful song is probably hootin’ and hollerin’ with glee that someone wanted to use it again. I’m fairly certain the last time we heard it, Fabio was draped over some rocks, hawking I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter or something.
Am I the only one that likes this intro? Honestly, when Jonathan pops out of his giant vase, I get a major case of the giggles every time.
We meet up with the Gonorrhea Gang at the end of the first rose ceremony. All of the girls are grateful to the guys who gave them roses, especially Tenley.
Later, Lauren is whining and crying as per usual. She wants to go home and tells her sister Ashley I. that she is in her “personal hell.” After all, she’s hot, sweaty and forced to associate with people who are older than her.
Obviously she’s never been forced to watch ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ or she really would know what a “personal hell” is.
Soon she’s literally wailing on the beach about wanting to go home. Seriously…I never thought it was possible that someone would be more annoying than the actual Kardashians, until I became aware of these fake Kardashian hoebags. Of course, this may be the biggest accomplishment either of these waste-of-spaces ever achieve.
Everyone else, however, is in dating paradise. Mikey still thinks that he has a shot with Clare, but Clare is obviously not feeling him (or his manbun).
Post-meltdown, Lauren tells everyone she’s leaving Paradise, due to her dating situation at home. She’s in love with someone else—some dude who’s boning her when his wife is at Mary Kay conventions or something. Lauren’s “non-boyfriend” claims not to have a wife, but Lauren calls herself his mistress. Now, Lauren’s scared that her non-boyfriend will cheat on her…with his wife…or something.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. The only good thing that can come from these snotgoblins being on this show is if we get to watch them be swept out to sea to provide a fake Kardashian buffet for a bunch of hungry sharks. Now that’s good TV!
Meanwhile, someone new is coming to Paradise. Everyone turns to see as Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season makes his way to the beach. His hair has miraculously grown back, despite the fact that he let Kaitlyn take a weedwacker to it. Many of the girls have a thing for Joshua, particularly Lauren, who has been pining for this guy to arrive.
Does anyone else think this dude looks like Lowell from Wings? Or is it just me?
Of course, Joshua gets a date card. Ashley I. pulls him aside immediately to convince him to take her sorry-ass sister on his date. She tells us, “I think I did a good job of selling my sister to Joshua.”
After trading her sister for a pina colada and a hammock, Ashley I. feels happy because she feels that Joshua will distract Lauren from being her fake boyfriend’s side dish.
Joshua isn’t all that convinced, however. He’s being approached by Juelia and Tenley, who have interest in him as well.
Joshua asks Tenley to go on his date, which devastates Lauren. (Of course, everything devastates Lauren. If the bartender runs out of Mai Tai mix, she breaks down in hysterics.)
JJ is surprised that Tenley, who he’s been pursuing, agreed to go out with Joshua.
Meanwhile, in the Crazy Hut, Ashley is in hysterics because Lauren is leaving Paradise because she was rejected by Joshua. Ashley keeps screaming to Lauren that she’s “always going to be Number 2!”
Well, actually that’s pretty accurate. This chick actually is a piece of poop.
Ashley I. sits in the hut, blubbering over his sister’s departure. No one else seems to care at all. In fact, everyone seems happy that Trainwreck Beach has less drama.
Of course, at that moment another Paradiser has to arrive. It’s Joe, the high-haired dude from Kaitlyn’s season. He seems to have toned down the Sugar Ray hair for his stay in Paradise.
He too, gets a date card, and after demonstrating that Hooked on Phonics is not all that popular in whatever Bohickey holler Joe came out of, he finally reads the entire date card. He must decide who to take out on his date the next day.
Unfortunately, he just sits there with a glazed over look on his face, looking like he’s scared/confused/constipated, possibly all of the above.
All of a sudden, Joe pointedly asks Clare if this is her second trip on the Paradise Poontrain. And…this is what happens. Joe, you win for dickiest (and funniest) comment in Paradise so far!
Of course, she has to go run off and tell whatever collection of degenerates she can find all about how weird Joe is. Obviously, Joe has at least some common sense (except for his hairstyling choices, of course) because he’s not interested in any of these nitwits.
He still has to go on a date, so he’s all, “Do any of y’all gals wanna go ride some horses with me?”
Juelia, who hasn’t’ got much attention from the men, seems desperate to get off the beach so she says she’ll go. Jonathan is upset because he thought that he was making a connection with Juelia.
Meanwhile, on Joshua and Tenley’s date, they start off with tequila and bad white people Spanish. They bond over Joshua’s theater background. Tenley tells him that she “danced professionally” for years. Joshua’s eyes light up at the thought of Tenley swinging around a palm tree in a thong, but then he realizes she means “actual dancing” and not stripping.
They seem to be getting along well, and Tenley seems to be happy that she didn’t give her precious (albeit old) “flower” to JJ and saved her first hammock romp for Joshua.
They go out and do horrific whitebread dancing moves while at ‘da club’ and, after a few more drinks, they arrive back to Trainwreck Beach. JJ is waiting for them, and seems determined to make Tenley forget about her date with Joshua by making out with her.
As soon as she leaves JJ, however, Tenley goes straight into Joshua’s hut to make out. She’s like a skanky Cinderella, this one!
Joe comes up to Juelia’s hut to pick her up for their date. Jonathan is upstairs pouting that his vanilla princess has been swiped by this big tall hick of a man. He feels like he wasted time humping Juelia when he could have been humping one of the other skanks.Joe and Juelia ride horses through the Mexican countryside and then head to a waterfall. They have drinks on the rocks next to the waterfall and Joe’s all, “Yer so peeeerty. I like yer face.”
Juelia seems to be into it, for some reason.
Later, Joshua starts to talk about weird coconuts full of drugs (or something) and it starts to creep everyone out. He tells people about how he likes to go to Vegas, “pop Molly” and end up stank-mouthed and confused. That turns everyone off, so Mikey decides he has to be the one to tell Tenley that her new beau is a pill-popping piece of crap.
Dan joins Mikey on this quest, and Tenley is bummed to find out Joshua is a douche who talks about doing Molly. She’s not looking for a hump-buddy, guys. Her ovaries are on their last legs and she wants to make babies but not have a baby-daddy who’s out scooting around Vegas high on The Drugs and letting skanky girls cut his hair.
The next morning, Tenley is unsure what to do about Joshua and his Molly situation. She pulls him aside and asks if he’s a complete trainwreck at home, or if he’s just a big douche who’s trying to be cool. Joshua says that he’s not a druggie, he just caught up in ‘da club’ with all the Molly and whatnot. Tenley’s not convinced.
Juelia and Joe arrive back to the beach and all the girls are exclaiming how “beachy” Juelia’s hair looks. (That’s a nice way of saying, “Your hair looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket.”)
Later, Mikey pulls Tenley aside to see what Clare’s deal is. Tenley tries to break it to Mikey that he doesn’t have a prayer, but Mikey’s big head seems to be too full of protein shakes to comprehend what Tenley’s saying.
Meanwhile, Joe is telling everyone that he ain’t that attracted to Juelia and that he ain’t the feller for her. He is really only fooling around with Juelia to get her rose.
Juelia is already trying to rig up the coconut phone so that she can call up Neil Lane and have him bring down a suitcase full of engagement rings. She’s already registering for china, while Joe is planning on humping Juelia just to stick around long enough for some other chick to arrive in Paradise.
On the beach, Clare and Ashley I. are battling for Jared. Carly (who’s wearing overalls because apparently it’s 1996 again) finds a date card and brings it out to the gang. The card goes to Jared (of course), meaning he will have to choose between Clare and Ashley I. Seriously, that’s like one of those riddles that you play when you are little. “Would you rather poke your own eyes out with a stick or fall into a snake pit.” Same-same.
Jared chooses Clare (and her expired eggs) to go on the date, which pisses off both Mikey and Ashley I, who are pining over Clare and Jared, respectively.
Everyone’s crying, especially Ashley I., who is worried that she’ll end up a 40-year-old spinster because she’s not open enough with guys. No, you’ll be a spinster because you’re an obnoxious, self-absorbed lady-child.
Mikey confronts Jared about dating Clare, whom he feels is too old for him. Mikey’s clearly roid-raging hard and is still not getting the fact that he has a better chance of humping Chris Harrison than Clare. Someone give this dude a Cliff bar, stat!
Clare approaches Mikey and he tells her to take her skanky ass away from him. Clare tries to explain that she’s in Paradise to ‘explore’ all the guys (as per usual) and was not leading him on. She storms off in a huff and goes to cry in her hut. Mikey, too, is crying in his hut (on his bunk, which has an explained wet spot on it…ew.)
Mikey’s threatening to leave, Ashley and Clare are crying and Jared’s probably considering asking one of the Mexican townspeople on his date so that he can get away from all of these psychopaths.
To read The Ashley‘s recap of the previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ click here!