‘The Bachelorette’ Rachel Episode 9 Recap: Meeting the Family & Fornicating in the Fantasy Suite

In case you need help picturing what goes on in a Fantasy Suite…

Grab your prophylactics and throw your inhibitions to the wind because…it’s Fantasy Suites Week, biotches! Well…kinda.

The Ashley is positively giddy because this is her favorite week of any season of The BacheloretteRachel will be banging it out, willy-nilly, trying to see which, um, willy, she wants to put in her nilly for the rest of her life (and/or until she completes her season of Dancing with the Stars and doesn’t need to lug her made-for-TV fiancé around anymore.)

Of course, though, this is Rachel’s season of ‘The Bachelorette’ so this is likely to be the lamest, most boring Fantasy Suite episode we’ve ever seen. Sigh. (This is why The Ashley has not been recapping this show lately. Even she can’t make this crap sound amusing!)

“I still don’t understand why I can’t be the next Bachelor!”

Last week, Rachel spent time at the Final Four guys at their hometowns before she sent ol’ Dean packing due to his immaturity and inability to commit. (Well, that and the fact that his swammy dad and him basically had a therapy session while surrounded by incense and while eating some sort of vegan grool.)

Anyway, we are back in Dallas, where Rachel is wearing a hideous and waving to random people in shops while walking down the street (as you do).

Rachel meets up with the final three men: Peter, Bryan and Eric. She tells them that will get to meet her family and if she can still stomach them after that, she’ll possibly bone them and then take them on a cool vacation.

“So…how does this work? Do we all go one at a time into the Fantasy Suite or all at once?”

Rachel’s sister is knocked up, so she isn’t able to travel to the exotic location like the lead’s family usually does. (Let’s hope the producers take the money they saved on travel and use it on alcohol for ‘Bachelor in Paradise!’)

“Just keep thinking ‘Fantasy Suite, Fantasy Suite’…”

Rachel takes Peter first. They head to a kids’ store to pick out a baby gift and something for Rachel’s (unfortunately named) nephew, Allister. It’s how every man wants to spend his day. However, Peter knows that he’s not going to get any Fantasy Suite hot tub nookie if he doesn’t pick out a stuffed animal for these random kids, so he does it.

After they (and by “they” I mean a production assistant using the ABC charge card) buy the gifts, they head to Rachel’s family’s house. They pull up to a house “’bout seven or eight.” Apparently, Rachel lives in the Fresh Prince mansion. Who knew?

Before they go in, though, Peter tells Rachel that he likes her a lot more than he let on during Hometown Week. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her, and Rachel tells him “ditto.”

“You guys got a butler named Geoffrey or no?”

With that out of the way, Rachel introduces Peter to her mom, aunt and uncle and sister and her husband. Not on the guest list is Rachel’s father, who is mysteriously unable to attend the festivities. Um…? It sounds like ol’ Judge Banks isn’t so thrilled with the whole on-camera ridiculousness that is this show.

Peter regales the family with the tale of how his parents met and married in less than a month. (See? It is possible!) He’s blabbing on about how good Rachel looks in silver…or something, and everyone is doing their best to pretend like they’re listening.

“I mean, I don’t love you but I sure think you’re nifty!”

Peter announces to the whole family that he’s not in love with Rachel, which is a weird move by a Final Three dude. He swoops in at the end, though, and tells everyone that he, is, indeed, falling in love with Rachel. She’s swooning.

Rachel’s sister Constance (who looks insanely good for being 36 weeks pregnant!) takes Rachel aside to chat about Peter and remind her that she doesn’t always make great decisions when it comes to men. (She did, after all, bring Nick home!)

Next, Rachel talks to her mom. Rachel says she’s nervous that she’s going to pick Peter at the end and he’s not going to offer her up a big ol’ (free) Neil Lane diamond.

“See this big ol’ rock? Take note, Pete!”

Peter tells Rachel’s mom that he’s not even trying to ask for Rachel’s parents’ blessing to marry her because…he’s not even sure he wants to end up getting hitched at the end of this. Rachel’s mom reminds Peter that Rachel’s been prowling the aisles of David’s Bridal for years, in hopes of getting married, and that she’s not going to want to be with some dude who isn’t ready to say “I do.”

Soon, it’s time to scoot Peter out so they can wheel in the next potential soulmate.

“Let’s maybe keep your dad’s stay in the federal penitentiary on the down-low for now, OK?”

It’s time for Eric to go meet the family. It appears to be the day after Peter’s meeting, since everyone is wearing different clothes. Eric is nervous to meet Rachel’s family, so he’s excited to find out that he gets to do a bit of sight-seeing before going home with her.

Eric tells us that this is all new to him. After all, he had never taken a girl home before he took Rachel. (This was the first time he pointed out all the local drug dealers and whatnot to his girlfriend.)

Eric and Rachel have champagne on top of a fancy building, and Eric says that he’s only met a girl’s family twice…and once was on prom night.

We can almost hear Rachel gulp when she hears that.

Rachel encourages Eric to be honest about how crappy his life has been. They head into the house and the family seems surprised…to see a black dude. Cousin Andrea (who is wearing what is possibly the most sinfully ugly shirt ever created) says that Eric has big shoes to fill because they really liked Peter.

Eric tells the family all about his broken home, his dysfunctional family and rotten childhood.

“To be honest, I don’t know how you made it this far!”

Rachel’s sister Constance takes Eric aside and basically tells him, “Look, bro, you are lucky to have gotten this far. Appreciate the free vacations and bow out gracefully.” The family doesn’t think that Eric is on the same “wavelength” as Rachel…whatever that means.

Still, Eric is doing his best to fight to stay in the game. He’s telling the sister that he’s ready to “provide, protect and take care of Rachel.” He’s laying it on real damn thick, telling Rachel’s mom that it’s a privilege to be in her presence, considering she’s been married for 38 years. He tells the mom he hopes to have what she has someday.

“I feel lucky to be around you…and also a little constipated, if I’m being honest.”

Rachel’s mom looks flattered…and a little bit creeped out.

He then asks for Rachel’s mother’s permission to propose to Rachel. The mom’s like, “Yeah, sure, whatever” and Eric is thrilled.

The next day, Rachel is taking Bryan to meet her family. He’s sporting his freebie fancy watch and is ready to go impress some rich people!

“I’m going to show her family who I am…and I think they’re going to be impressed,” he tells us.

And he’s so humble, too!

“I’m sorry that people are jealous of me but I can’t help it that I’m popular…”

Before taking him home, Rachel takes Bryan to meet her galpals at a local bar. Rachel tells her friends that she likes Bryan because he has no gimmicks or games. Um…this dude is ALL games and ALL gimmicks. He’s basically a chiropractic version of Rico Suave.

“I think I definitely won her friend’s over,” Bryan tells us humbly.

Later, she brings Bryan into the Mansion, and the family all acts like they haven’t been meeting random dudes for the last three days. Bryan tells the family that he’s ready to “start a family and build a legacy” with Rachel.

Not buying this crap at all…

WTF, bro. Pump the brakes a bit.

Bryan answers every question they ask him like he’s doing an interview to get a job at CarMax. He starts getting uncomfortable when they ask whether he’d kick his overbearing mom to the curb in order to please Rachel.

He’s telling everyone how much he loves Rachel, and Rachel’s sister is getting really suspicious. Bryan excuses himself from the table, and Rachel is upset at her family for firing so many questions at her third boyfriend. The family is happy to see that their questions got a rise out of Rachel, which means she really likes him…or something.

“I’m gonna need you to tone it down to an 11, there, bro.”

Rachel’s sister says that Bryan is a smooth talker. She says that she’s kind of creeped out that Bryan had a rehearsed answer for every question they asked him.

Rachel tells her mom that she’s falling in love with Bryan, and that makes Mom super uncomfortable. When Mom sits down with Bryan, he’s slicker than a stick of butter and is ready to bust out the perfect answer for every question.

Mom is skeptical that Bryan’s really in love with Rachel, but when he asks for her blessing to propose to Rachel, she’s like, “yeah, sure, whatever.”

Later that week, Rachel flies to Spain. She wheels her ONE SUITCASE into her hotel suite and tells us that she’s excited to spend time with her Final 3 guys over the next two weeks.

Our faces when we realize they expect us to believe Rachel packed two weeks’ worth of outfits into one carry-on suitcase…

Eric is the first guy she meets up with, and she’s nervous that he’s just telling her that he’s in love with her because he has no idea what love is. (He knows saying it got him on that damn plane to Spain, though!)

They take a helicopter to the top of a cliff, then make a wish over a large church bells. (Anyone else think Eric wished that he’d be living in that big ol’ Lindsay Mansion within the year?)

That night, they head to dinner and Rachel is trying to decide if she should bust out the Fantasy Suite key and offer it to him. Eric does his best to be poetic but…it’s kind of embarrassingly bad.

“If I kiss him I won’t have to listen to him spew ridiculousness anymore…”

“If there was no Rachel, there would be no this,” he tells her. “Every time I’m with you, we get better with time.”


He finally tells her that he loves her, and she goes in for the kiss. He’s excited to learn he’s earned a chance to bone it out, Spanish-style in the Fantasy Suite. Rachel’s gettin’ some!

They head to the suite and start to get it on.

Finally, we get to see some action…well, kinda.

“It’s a night to go deeper and open up more,” Eric tells us.

Well, it is Fantasy Suite Week!

The next morning, they make sure to show us the wrinkled sheets so we know that they banged. Rachel says that the night has taken their relationship “to another level.”

“It was amazing,” Eric tells us. “We just let things in.”

You’re killing me, Eric!

Eric bids Rachel farewell, and she heads off in the Bone-Mobile in search of her next bedroom conquest.

She meets up with Peter in a winery, thrusting her pelvis (that was just rubbing all up on Eric) at him. They explore a vineyard before heading to a creepy dungeon where some old dude in a hat speaks to them in Spanish. Both of them stand there, cursing themselves for not paying more attention in Spanish 101.

“Sure I may not sing well, but what do you expect from an old guy in a dungeon? Geez.”

Rachel concludes that this guy is either trying to tell them about his personal love story…or is recruiting them into the Spanish army.

He then sings a weird song and Peter looks like he’s hoping he doesn’t end up tied to a barrel down in the dungeon. He doesn’t but..the guy does give them a bunch of wine in some sort of weird jail cell thing.

Peter is thrilled that, should he ever find himself in this dungeon again, he’ll get a bunch of free wine.

“I sprayed my feet with Febreeze before jumping in here. That should be good, no?”

They stomp grapes with their gross unwashed feet that have been clomping around in the heat for the last few hours. Apparently the dirty ass feet are a turn on for Rachel, because she starts to make out with him.

That night, Rachel brings up the topic of proposals…again. She tells Peter that she didn’t do all this crap so she could have a new boyfriend. She is basically telling him don’t bother showing up unless you’ve got a Neil Lane rock in your pocket and you’re ready to use it.

“I mean…can’t we just bone?”

Peter tells Rachel that he believes a proposal is much more serious than a TV show, and that it isn’t just something you do to someone you want to keep dating. Rachel says she doesn’t see a proposal as a guarantee avenue to marriage.

UM…WTF? Is Rachel drunk? No, seriously, is she? How could anyone think a proposal doesn’t necessarily mean you want to marry that person?

They stare awkwardly at each other for a while and Rachel tells us that she’s devastated. She doesn’t know what to do but…we’ll have to wait two more weeks to find out if she decides to just bang out it with Peter despite his resistance to propose.

Next week, the men come back to talk crap on Rachel and each other at the Men Tell All.

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelorette’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: ABC)



1 Comment

  1. Oh, lord; the dude she ended up with! In Rachel’s place, watching the broadcast of the final edit would have me alternately face-planting, kicking myself, and wondering how much time to wait before it’d be cool to text Kenny…

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