It’s time for another episode of Vanderpump Rules, but we’re still recovering from the shock of Jax admitting that he cheated on Brittany… oh who are we kidding? We had a feeling that just like his drinks, Jax was no good.
In the wake of that “revelation,” this week’s episode picks up at the spa, where Brittany has taken Stassi as her stand-in boyfriend to celebrate what was supposed to be her and Jax’s second anniversary.
Stassi doesn’t want Brittany to get back together with Jax for fear that she’ll end up going through the same mess he put her through back in the day but the odds aren’t looking real promising.
Brittany tells Stassi that she’s going to be mad at her and before she can tell her why, Stassi guesses correctly that Brittany banged it out with Jax before their shift at SUR, despite his admission that he was unFAITHful (pun absolutely intended).
Stassi does her best to contort her plastic face into a “disgusted” look, but tells Brittany that she gets why she did it — because “hate/love sex” is always good (even if it’s with Jax, apparently).
As the spa sesh is going down (along with our already low opinion of Jax), Sandoval, Jax and James hit up a bar to enjoy some “summery” beverages. Jax tells the guys it’s his two-year anniversary with Brittany, and mentions that it would be awfully convenient if Brittany would just, you know, hook up with someone else to even the score and get him off the hook for cheating.
The cheating has worked out well for Jax, though. He tells his pals (over glasses of cider, natch) that he and Brittany have had more sex in the two days since the cheating news came out than they have had in six months. Jax also divulges that Brittany told him she knows she should hate him, but the situation has actually made her “hornier than ever.”
How does that Jax, that creepy little sea monkey, always manage to come out on top no matter what he does!?
The conversation turns to Sandoval talking about he and Ariana’s two-month sex drought — a dilemma that Jax can’t comprehend. James is in shock by this admission himself and more so when he finds out Sandoval and Ariana didn’t even hook up at Coachella, aka the most romantic place on Earth according to DJ James Kennedy. (Nothing gives you that special sexy time feeling like wearing the same bohemian-style clothes for three days and standing outside in the desert heat for hours at a time!)
Sandoval says he can’t make a move on Ariana without feeling like a creep and that he just wants to see her, smell her and watch her have an orgasm. (Thanks for that visual, Sandy!)
To top it off, Sandoval tells the guys he downloaded an audio book on intimacy the previous night. Let’s just hope that statement didn’t give James any ideas for his next single… if so, please don’t let it be a spoken word track.
Over at Pump, Schwartz has hit up the closest grocery store to nab a bouquet of flowers and a generic apology balloon in an effort to continue the TomTom Apology Tour of 2017 after their recent meeting went south.
Lisa tells Schwartz that Sandoval is the one who did her dirty by talking about her behind her back but Schwartz tells her they’re a team and that he’s sort of there on his behalf as well.
Lisa tells Schwartz that she and Ken are bringing the experience to TomTom and the Toms need to bring the enthusiasm. She says they’ll also set up another meeting and TomTom plans will move forward.
Later that day at SUR, Stassi comes in to help Nathalie and Lisa decorate for a party that is to be her debut as an event planner and/or strategy to seek relevance on this show. Stassi admits during her confessional that she’s not really trying to be an event planner, she just wants to be a boss like Lisa and “bosses know how to do awesome things.”
Nathalie tells Stassi that just because she’s planning the party doesn’t mean she gets to be the boss of the servers. She also tells Stassi that Scheana isn’t too pumped for her return to SUR, which Stassi says makes her happy to hear.
Over at the Bubba Abode, Katie tells Schwartz the girls have gotten together to organize a party at Stassi’s house to cheer Brittany up and convince her to leave Jax once and for all. While they’re talking, Sandoval stops by to talk about the upcoming re-do TomTom meeting. Katie wants to ensure the guys are prepared this time around and she encourages them to bring notebooks with them. (Yeah, that’ll do the trick!)
Before Sandoval can think about which Moleskine color will bring out his eyes, Schwartz changes the subject and tells Sandoval they need to put a positive face on in public, specifically in front of Lisa and Ken. Katie seems hopeful on the TomTom venture and tells them Schwartz will bring the quirk, Sandoval can bring the flair and Lisa and Ken can bring the class.
Sandoval agrees and tells them, “dumb is smart and smart is dumb.” Well… good thing Sandoval isn’t supposed to bring the sense, because, as per usual, he sure isn’t making any.
Over at Vanderpump Dogs, Raquel is ready to get her volunteer on and James is there to provide moral support and probably ask Lisa for more favors. Lisa compares Raquel to Bambi on steroids and then throws out one hell of an impression. James says Raquel often gets anxiety, as does he, but while he prefers to smoke weed to alleviate his issues, cleaning up dog crap is where it’s at for his girlfriend.
While Raquel is elbow-deep in some kennel mess, James sits down with Lisa to tell her how excited he is for James Kennedy’s Takeover Turn-up Tuesdays at SUR. (That name…sorry but…we can’t…)
Lisa says giving James the promoter reins for his gigs at SUR will make him more responsible and less likely to screw things up (again). James assures her he no longer takes shots and doesn’t drink very often, but of course he’s lying and Bravo cuts to the scenes to prove it.
At Jax and Brittany’s, Brittany shows off her pajama party outfit and fills Jax in on the hatefest that’s about to go down in his honor. Jax tells her their issues are between the two of them and that he’s not dating the rest of those girls… although he has slept with two of them, so that counts for something.
Jax says in his confessional that the only thing he gaining out of this situation is a girlfriend and that girlfriends are a dime a dozen. Brittany makes him swear nothing else is going to come out in terms of his wandering eye (and penis) ways. Jax swears that everything is out in the open (again, probably also referring to his penis).
At Stassi’s house, Kristen is busy whipping up Brittany’s “mamaw’s” beer cheese dip and Katie arrives with a Jax piñata and a gun that shoots liquor, which Kristen is eager to try out.
Later we see Ariana, Scheana and Brittany arrive with alcohol in hand and their game faces on. With the girls convened for their We Hate Jax Club meeting, Sandoval, Peter, James, Jax, and Schwartz go out for drinks and Schwartz tells the guys he’s proud of the girls for putting aside their differences for a night of bonding over their mutual disdain of Jax Taylor. The guys try to warn Jax of the s**t storm brewing at Stassi’s — cut to the girls tearing apart the Jax Piñata.
With the piñata torn to pieces, the girls attempt to work some literal magic on Jax in the form of a magic spell.
(Because…just when you think this show couldn’t get any more ridiculous, why not work sorcery into the mix, right?)
Brittany says that she’s a good Christian woman who typically wouldn’t be about that Hocus Pocus life, but considering what Jax did to her, she’s willing to dabble into the Devil’s Lair a bit. After their lemon and candle spell is cast, the girls then take turns kissing each other because… ratings?
With the heathens off-duty for the night, Lisa stops by SUR to see how the B-Squad is running things and we meet Wesley, the new SUR bartender, along with Wesley’s partially buttoned shirt and gold chain. After getting a drink from Wesley,(who we’re probably going to see more of, given his formal introduction) Lisa sits down for a “meeting” — and in walks Lala, ready to campaign for her job back.
Lisa asks Lala why she even needs the job since she already has a wealthy man paying for her Range Rover, private jet rides, hoop earrings and lip injections. Lala tells her she has her own bills and her man isn’t an ATM. Lisa ultimately caves (for the second time this season) and gives Lala back her ultra-coveted spot at the hostess stand.
Back at the boys’ dinner, Jax is getting a kick out of the fact that Brittany is “hate f**king” him and his friends try to knock him back down by gifting him with a locking chastity device for his penis. Nice (and also weird AF) effort guys, but it’s going to take a lot more than a piece of plastic to stop Jax. After screwing someone in front of a bed-ridden geriatric woman, it seems nothing will keep him from doing whomever, whenever he pleases.
At the hate sleepover, Ariana drops a bomb that the Jax and Faith thing happened more than once. Brittany decides to call Jax immediately to confront him, yet again. She puts him on speaker phone and he immediately starts denying. Brittany lies and tells Jax she has proof and that Faith is actually there with them, which just gets Jax more heated and he steps outside, continuing to deny the rumor.
Brittany eventually confesses to Jax that Faith isn’t actually there snacking on beer cheese dip with them, but it doesn’t do much to change Jax’s mood. He tells Brittany it doesn’t really matter if he had sex 1 time or 10 times (umm…) and then goes full Hulk mode, screaming at her for believing rumors about him. Brittany tells Jax his bout of rage proves he’s not changing (you think?!) and she tells him they’re done.
Jax joins the guys back inside the bar and fills them in on what went down. Shortly after, Sandoval receives a call from Ariana —but it’s not a booty call, much to his dismay. Ariana tells him the girls are moving the party over to Jax and Brittany’s house and to let Jax know he isn’t allowed to come home.
Well, you’re definitely not getting Brittany to make you that ham sandwich now, Jax.
That’s all for this episode, guys!
To read our previous ‘Vanderpump Rules’ recap, click here!