(Note: Yes, The Ashley knows this is last week’s episode…some day she will catch up on recapping…)
It’s been a while since The Ashley went down the MTV trash TV rabbit hole and recapped an episode of Teen Mom OG, so let’s open up this trashcan and see what our gals (and their beaus, ex-beaus, kids and strangely named siblings) are up to this week!
The episode starts off in Tennessee, where Maci is heading to her former TTM Dream Home to catch up with her friend Katie, who happens to be squatting there for the time being.
“How does it feel being in this house?” Katie asks Maci. “Does it look familiar?”
Um…probably, being that it is literally Maci’s house. Katie needs to get better at coming up with the random friend small talk. This is just embarrassing.
Maci tells Katie that she and Taylor are looking for land (not to be confused with “The Land,” of course…) to buy and build a house on. They want a place that their family can’t outgrow, no matter how many times Maci wants to play “I didn’t know I was pregnant!”
Maci declares that, once she finds the right house, she’s going to make like Amber on her couch and will never leave it.
Later, Maci is busy searchin’ the InterWebs to find the perfect house for her ever-expanding family. Maci knows that she and Taylor are one drunken Bud-Light-filled night away from needing another nursery, so she wants to make sure the house she chooses is large enough to accommodate all of their current and future Oopsie Babies!
She discovers a large house on 7 acres that tickles her fancy. It’s got a pool, a bunch of bedrooms and an entire building out back to store the family’s beer supply. Maci is starting to reconsider their plan to buy land and build their dream home, and thinks that she and Taylor should go check the house out.
They drive out there and we see that the house sits in the middle of a neighborhood and is basically the biggest house in the area. It looks like one of those ‘Real Housewives’ star houses. (The only thing that’s out of place is the oddly painted circus ceilings, which may or may not have been painted by Jenelle during a particularly productive drug binge. Seriously– there has to be some sort of pharmaceutical explanation for those things!)
They barrel their purple Jeep (um?) down the development and are thrilled that the realtor “happened” to be able to meet with them ASAP. (The realtor ain’t no fool– she knows those LSD-inspired ceilings are going to be a tough sell to anyone…except maybe people who are famous for getting knocked up at 16.)
Unfortunately, the house’s current owner is not keen on slumming it on a trashy MTV reality show, so Maci and Taylor are not allowed to film inside the house.
When they get back into their purple Jeep, Taylor and Maci both agree that they like the house.
Taylor says that he likes that everything in the house is modern, up-to-date and classy. (We can gather from their Barney-colored car that these two are all about “the class!”)
Meanwhile, in Alaska, Bristol is visiting her family while her son Tripp is shootin’ moose (Meese? Mooses?) with his dad Levi.
Bristol and a Pack ‘o’ Palins head up the river to go salmon fishing.
While out on the boat, Bristol talks about how thrilled she is to be rid of Dakota (and his sweaty bangs), and declares that she will probably never remarry. Bristol says that she basically married ol’ Drippy Bangs because she felt ashamed because she got knocked up with Tripp and she wanted to actually be married the next time a child squeezed from her loins.
Bristol’s friend encourages her to just live in sin the next time around and not to sign that marriage certificate! Bristol says she’s not even sure anyone would even want to marry her now.
Even though Bristol doesn’t want any more husbands, she demands that her sister Piper and friend Marina allow her to pick out their husbands. (Does anyone in Alaska have a name that’s not a noun?! SERIOUSLY.)
Over in Indiana, Amber is home from her “celebrity” boxing event and is starting to feel excited again about hitting people on the regular.
(Did you hear that thundering noise? That’s Gary running for his life.)
Luckily, Amber is going to buck her usual beat-down methods of kicking people down stairs and throwing electrical appliances at their head. Instead, she wants to continue doing Mixed Martial Arts.
She says that exercising has been helpful for her to manage her bipolar and depression.
Amber (dressed in her old sweatpants from prison) meets with an MMA coach who takes her through a full workout. The last time we saw Amber sweat this much, she was waiting to hear the results of Matt‘s polygraph test!
As Amber is working out, Andrew is sitting with the baby and admiring Amber’s prison beat-down skills! He may want to start wearing a cup at all times. You know…safety first!
Meanwhile, Gary is also thinking about safety. In fact, he wants to ensure that he can hump his way into a bladder infection without having to worry about getting his wife Kristina pregnant anymore!
That’s right kids… Gary is getting a vasectomy. And we get to hear all about it!
Has this what this show has come to? Have things gotten so bad that the only possible story line involves Gary Shirley’s man parts getting snipped?! SIGH.
Gary meets with the Dr. Donald, who pulls out a chart of the male reproduction system to explain what he is going to do to Gary’s parts. (I mean…this is the same guy who once tried to use PLASTIC WRAP instead of a condom, so I think it may be necessary to include some visual aids…)
Every time Dr. Donald says the word “testicle,” Gary bursts out laughing. When Dr. Donald says that he will need to put a rubber band around Gary’s penis to do the procedure, Gary looks directly at the camera, Clarissa-Explains-It-All-style and gives us a look to let us know he’s not thrilled that anyone is going near his trouser snake.
Gary is concerned that all the snippings will change how sex feels for him. (Thanks MTV. Now I can’t get the image of Gary humping out of my head.)
We head up to Michigan, where Cheyenne is with Cory visiting his family. (Hopefully she made enough time to swing by April‘s humble abode and say hello. I mean, if you don’t visit April, did you even visit the Mitten State?!)
Cory wants all his friends to meet Ryder (and his new MTV camera crew, obviously), so he’s putting together a fiesta. As he chomps away at some sort of deli meat sandwich, he tells his mom who will be attending the shindig.
Cory then slips in (pun intended) the fact that he invited Lauren…
…who is his ex-girlfriend
…whom he dated for seven years.
Everyone thinks it’s weird that Cory’s hanging out with his ex-girlfriend. Cory even admits that he always figured that, if he was going to knock anyone up, it would have been Lauren! (How this Lauren resisted procreating with Cory I’ll never know. I mean, all woman dream of the day they can make a baby with a dude who talks while he chews, right?)
Cheyenne is not really paying attention to the conversation Cory’s having with his mom…until his mom casually states, “If you wanted to have a baby with Lauren, she’d probably be OK with that…”
Cheyenne is suddenly all ears, glaring at Cory from the other room.
Also…how desperate is this Lauren chick?! Is she just sitting there in Michigan, legs open, ready to be spawned by Cory? Jesus God Leah.
Cory wanders into the room where Cheyenne is, and she asks him to explain why his (apparently desperate to be impregnated) ex-girlfriend will be at the party.
We then learn that Lauren is actually the Lauren who appeared on The Real World with Cory years ago. If you were one of the dozens of people who watched the season of ‘The Real World’ that Cory was on, you might remember than Lauren took a pregnancy test while in the house with Cory and it came back positive.
(She must be really kicking herself, eh? Had she waited a few months and got herself knocked up by Cory, she may have scored the spot on ‘Teen Mom!’)
Despite Lauren’s initial claims, Cory is, in the words of Maury Povich, “NOT THE FATHER.”
Oh, by all means, let’s invite this girl and her obviously fruitful loins to the party! Cory will have her pregnant by the time the appetizers come out!
Meanwhile, in another part of Michigan, Catelynn is regaling us with the tale of the recent “Couple’s Retreat” she went to with Tyler— in private!– to work on their marriage.
Catelynn tells Nova all about the “baby in her tummy,” and reveals that she is preparing Duncan Hines’ finest baked goods in preparation for a gender reveal party that’s being held the next day. Nova assures Catelynn that she will love the new baby, regardless if it’s a boy or a girl.
The same may not be able to be said for Tyler, who has made it very clear that Catelynn better not shoot another female spawn from her loins. He wants a boy, dammit!
Catelynn later tells us that this new baby was, of course, an “oopsie baby.” Since her marriage to Tyler is basically in the toilet at this point, they weren’t planning to bring another kid into the mix, but, hey, accidents happen…all the time…on this show…about preventing unwanted pregnancies.
Tyler has announced that he wants to try living apart from Catelynn for a month. Catelynn has accepted his decision, but is not happy about it.
Cate explains that, while on the couples’ retreat, they realized that they’ve been together for way too many years and never got to experience anything else.
Everyone’s counselor and therapy horse is on board with the trial separation. Tyler says that as soon as the construction is done on their new house, he’s high-tailing it over to Singlesville…at least for a while, anyway.
They start uttering their “therapy talk” back and forth like they’re in some weird mental-health-themed rap battle. Tyler says he didn’t want to hurt Cate’s “core wounds,” while Cate states that she is trying to be careful and avoid her “triggers.”
Cate then reminds Tyler that him leaving her is basically the same as him dying, and that it will bring up all the bad feelings she still has from her miscarriage, abusive childhood, dealings with Farrah, etc. She reminds him that he’s causing her a lot of stress by doing this.
Back in Tennessee, Maci and Taylor put an offer in for the house, and it gets accepted almost immediately. They waste no time packing their family treasures for the move. (Let’s hope they bought enough bubble wrap to safely transport their collection of “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, FLOOR” shot glasses.)
Maci starts to get all sentimental as she packs up the house.
“Maverick was born here,” she says sadly.
Taylor busts out a few philosophical jewels.
“Every time a chapter closes another one starts,” he declares. (Um? Did he steal that from Jenelle and Nathan? It sounds like something that “dramastic” couple would say.)
Over in Alaska, Bristol realizes she hasn’t monopolized enough of the conversations with her friends, so she drags Marina to a random park so she can listen to her bitch about her life.
Bristol claims that Dakota told her that her parents and friends all hated her, all because he wanted to control her. She pouts because she’s stuck living in Texas due to her divorce and can’t go home to live in Alaska.
Back in Indiana, it’s time for Gary’s manhood to be chopped. He honestly looks like he’s about to cry, and admits to Kristina that he’s not totally comfortable going under the knife. Still, he’s agreed to undergo the procedure.
Gary hops in his car and drives down to Ye Olde Vasectomy Shoppe. He goes in and the doctor gives him some sort of jock strap to wear. They show all of the scissors and tools that will be used to snip Gary’s pipes and honestly, I’m terrified. Are we going to go in the operating room and watch this happen? I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS.
Gary lays on the operating table and the doctor begins the procedure.
They show Dr. Donald down in Gary’s no-nos, and we hear…cutting. Thankfully we are spared a shot of Gary’s actual man pieces, but we do get to hear him squeal in pain.
Later, he heads home, jock strap in place, and complains about how tight his undies are. He describes the procedure in detail, down to that special, kicked-in-the-balls feeling he’s experiencing.
That’s it! I have learned way too much about Gary’s nether region this episode. #NeverAgain
Over at Amber’s house, Amber is complaining that having Baby James totally messed up her stomach.
“Actually hitting something helps relieve stress,” Amber says as Andrew looks slightly frightened.
He recommends Amber gets some of those “detox teas” to help her lose the baby weight. He says that he plans to restrict her from eating all unhealthy foods, and Amber reminds Ol’ Andy that he doesn’t exactly have a supermodel body himself.
We head back to Michigan, where Cory’s party is in full swing. Everyone’s wearing their finest white jeans and is having a good time. Lauren has, of course, shown up and Cheyenne is not thrilled.
Lauren is telling Cory how proud she is of him (for knocking up Cheyenne?) and keeps rubbing up against him, all while Cheyenne glares at the two of them.
Later, Lauren says her goodbyes. Cheyenne seems relieved to see her go. She fakes pleasantries with Lauren and then gets all catty while looking directly into the camera.
Cheyenne, classy as always, talks crap on Lauren after she leaves. (Hey at least Cheyenne didn’t wear her thong bathing suit to this family party, so there’s that…she’s upped the class level a little!)
Later, some of Cory’s friends are trying to convince him to “kick it with” (aka bone the Bejesus out of) Cheyenne. Cory says it wouldn’t be worth risking their co-parenting relationship in order to hump like rabbits. Over in the other corner, Cheyenne is chatting with some of the girls about the same topic. She says they’re “best friends” and don’t need to start banging and mess that up.
“On ‘The Challenge,’ he was like a God to me,” Cheyenne says.
Well…that sure got my stomach churning…
Cheyenne says that the girls on ‘The Challenge’ warned her not to “kick it with” Cory, and she later found out it was because half of those girls had already slept with him. There’s a good chance that half of the girls at this party have also gone to the boneyard with Cory. I hope they included some penicillin in those party goodie bags!
Chey and Cory talk about how everyone wants them to get together, but Cory is concerned that Cheyenne’s boyfriend Zach will come back into her life. Cheyenne assures Cory that she’s done with Zach, because Zach tried to make her chose between him and Cory.
The sexual tension between them is thick enough that you could cut it with Gary’s vasectomy scalpel! They need to just bang it out already so we can move this story line along!
Elsewhere in Michigan, Catelynn is upset, but she is putting her best face forward because it’s time for their gender reveal party. Producer Kiki jumps in Cate’s car and they head off to the party, chatting along the way about how much of a dumpster fire Cate’s marriage to Tyler is.
Catelynn tells Producer Kiki that she and Tyler won’t be seeing other people during their “trial separation.”
“I was just getting super-triggered about my childhood trauma and feeling like he was going to abandon me,” Catelynn says.
Once they reach the park (where apparently all ‘Teen Mom’ gender reveal parties must be held, for some reason), the usual suspects start showing up to celebrate the baby/eat their body weight in free Farmer John hot dogs.
April’s there, as is Cate’s brother Nick, and few random kids in bathing suits. They bring out the pinata and are anxious to find out if they’re about to have a boy…or if Tyler’s about to have a big ol’ tantrum.
They pull the cord and— what do ya know?— pink streamers come pouring out, signaling that Cate’s having a girl. Tyler throws his head back in disgust as Cate shouts, “I don’t want another girl!” The only person who seems even remotely happy is April (but, again, there are free hot dogs so…)
“He may only be able to have girls!” Tyler’s mom Kim says, much to Tyler’s dismay.
After they get the “good” news, Catelynn’s grandma sits with Cate and brings the party down even more. She says she was just thinking about Catelynn’s miscarriage, and how it put Cate “over the edge.”
Gee, thanks for the memories, Granny!
That’s not all Granny wants to chat about. She next asks Cate how her marriage is, forcing Catelynn to talk about the trial separation. At the same time, Tyler is off explaining to Kim how the separation will work. She asks Tyler if he’s looking forward to being on his own. He immediately says “Yes!” but then backtracks a bit so he doesn’t look like a jerk.
That’s all for this episode! Until next time!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!