Drop off the kids with a sober(ish) family member, and bust out your Fashion Nova bathing frocks-– it’s time to head to Cartagena, Colombia, for some MTV-funded fun!
This season of Teen Mom Family Reunion begins with a series of clips intended to entice viewers to tune in to watch this entire season. (Apparently MTV still thinks that fans want to watch people in their mid-30s get paid to go on vacation and bust out their horrible high school Spanish?)
Jade and Cheyenne introduce themselves as our “hosts” for this South American nightmare. They do this by yipping “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!” and using horrible Spanish accents. (This is why other countries hate us, by the way.)
Jade and Sean are getting ready to walk down the aisle, and Jade is eager for her and Sean to make more progress as a couple before doing so. One of the things she wants to focus on during this “reunion” is switching roles with Sean and letting him be in charge more often.
Jade casually drops the fact that she and Sean have gone $45,000 over their wedding budget. Even Cheyenne— queen of the overblown parties and over-spending— is like Whoaaaa.
Jade and Sean, and Cheyenne and Zach arrive to the hotel, which is a mix between a house from The Real World and Ken’s Dojo Mojo Casa House.
After the first two couples manage to butcher the Spanish language—“donde esta la biblioteca”-ing all over the damn place—the next two couples are unleashed on us– Catelynn and Tyler, and Maci and Taylor.
Taylor (who is, unfortunately, still trying to make that sideways eraser-head hairdo happen) and Maci are here to drink their collective weight in canned beer. However, Tyler and Cate claim they’re just cashing in on this free vacation in order to get away from their litter of Not Carly’s and to bump uglies with each other.
We all know Tyler is also absolutely JONESING to get to the resort, throw on a tropical print G-string, pop his booty out and make some coin on OnlyFans.
The Ashley will give you a moment to try to shake that horrorshow-of-a-mental-picture from your brain…
With four of the five couples settled in, Cheyenne starts to wonder if her baby daddy Cory and his girlfriend/baby mama Taylor missed their flight because they’ve yet to arrive and we all know Cory would never willingly miss an opportunity for camera time. We then see the couple en route to the compound (which The Ashley will be calling Casa de Unemployed).
Cory introduces himself and Taylor to viewers as “the Whartons,” despite he and Taylor being neither married, nor engaged.
As if it needs to be said, Cory goes on to tell viewers that he and Taylor are on this trip because their relationship needs some work. He also keeps randomly channeling Snooki circa 2009 by screaming, “The party’s here!”
Taylor admits she’s nervous about coming into the house as a non-Teen Mom, so before she arrives, Cheyenne and the other moms talk about how important it is to make Taylor feel like part of their “Pregnant Before Senior Prom” posse.
Before heading to Casa de Unemployment, Taylor and Cory make a pit stop at a random gift shop to pick up some crap for the other couples. Cory pretends like he’s going to propose (in a random gift shop) but then laughs at his “joke.” (Kudos to Taylor for not grabbing an avocado masher and smacking him upside the head.)
While Cory isn’t down to throw a ring on his baby mama’s finger just yet, he’s more than ready to throw back some shots, which he happily does from inside the van after requesting that the driver make a special stop at the liquor store.
As you do…
Taylor and a bullhead-wearing, liquor-swigging Cory finally arrive at the house and Cheyenne is immediately thanking her lucky stars that she didn’t hitch her wagon to the ticking time bomb that is her first baby daddy.
Zach– no matter how unemployed– has truly never looked better.
Speaking of wagons, Tyler and Cate are enthusiastically cheering on Sean to fall off of his, despite Jade reminding viewers that her future-hubby went to treatment for drugs just a few years ago. Jade claims alcohol was never an issue for her boo, so he’s more than welcome to throw a few back…assuming Cory hasn’t single-handedly wiped out the bar already.
Back at the house, the guys are stripping down to jump in the pool. Catelynn– being the creepy madam that she is— chases after her husband with a camera screaming, “This is going on OnlyFans!”
Ew. I feel like I need a shower after seeing that.
Back in the van, Taylor is clearly very uncomfortable and Cory is…annoying. And seemingly sloshed already. (Taylor, girl, no joke, if I were you, I’d barrel-roll my butt out of that van and high-tail it to the airport back home.)
They arrive at Casa de Unemployment and Cory is now double-fisting drinks like he’s April at a “Ladies Drink Free” night at Billy Bob’s Bar & Tacklehouse.
Cory passes his bull hat and bottle of liquor around to the other Teen Momers, while also giving some random (and totally unasked for) “acceptance speech” to the other people. Everyone is just staring at him wondering if they’re on an episode of Punk’d.
“Congratulations because we all took that step to take our relationships to the next step,” Cory oh-so-eloquently tells them.
Meanwhile, Taylor looks like she wants to drown herself in the ocean out of embarrassment.
“F**k them kids right now, am I right!?” he screams.
Lovely.
Later, the couples discuss Tyler’s OnlyFans page.
Tyler– who seems completely incapable of speaking at a normal decibel level— screams about how Cate is his OnlyFans manager and how she is in charge of deciding which schlong pics make it online…or something.
I don’t know. Or want to know.
“You are my pimp!” Tyler says proudly, as Catelynn agrees.
Catelynn proudly announces that posting Ty’s peni-pics has earned them enough money to buy a pool.
Meanwhile, Cory goes into his room and starts having a tantrum. Taylor makes him eat some food, while Cory grumbles about how the partying is not to his level. Taylor looks totally over Cory and his bull s**t hat.
Cory asks Taylor how much she loves him, and she is just not having it. She knows he’s drunk so she refuses to have the conversation and goes to their room to unpack. Cory follows behind her, slurring and yelling that he wants her to tell him how great he is or something.
The others hear Taylor crying and threatening to go home. Zach tells the girls that Cory came in with a “happy fun” tone and that he doesn’t know where it took a dark turn.
Um…maybe that gallon of whiskey he drank on the way over?
Taylor kicks Cory out of their room, but he tells us that he is choosing to give her “space” so he takes a walk on the beach alone. Cheyenne goes to comfort Taylor, and then rallies the other girls to have some girl time.
That “girl time” entails Chey giving us a play-by-play of catching Jade shaving her ‘pubes in the hotel sink.
JESUS GOD LEAH. I should not be subjected to hearing this crap.
The girls all talk about what kind of wig they have, um…downstairs.
SERIOUSLY. Can we not? Between this and talk of Tyler’s man-rocket, I have had about enough. There’s not enough tequila in all of Colombia to get me through this episode.
Just then, Cory comes in with a goofy smile, a handful of weeds and a bottle of wine. This is apparently some sort of apology to Taylor, but all I see is a dumb drunk man mistakenly thinking he really did something here. Catelynn tells us that Cory didn’t even go out and get those items because they were already supplied in the room.
He creepily requests that Taylor come over there and talk to him.
For about the 20th time in four hours, Taylor looks mortified.
She goes to speak to Cory, who proceeds to slur his apology and fight with all his might to keep his eyes open.
Taylor tells Cory that she will not have deep conversations while either of them are drunk. Cory agrees. Taylor tells Cory that she has no time to herself, and that she doesn’t have energy to smother him with love like he wants her to.
Later that night, it’s time for Jade and Cheyenne’s “Colombian” theme party…in Colombia.
“We came here for hard work,” Cheyenne says. (How she said that with a straight face I have no idea.)
“But this is our first night and we’re gonna have fun!”
It’s a pool party and Cheyenne tells us that she has invited “surprise guests” to the festivities. Out come a troupe of Colombian dancers and Tyler is excited. Like, really, really excited.
Everyone is dancing and having a good time. Catelynn has acquired a big hat and is running around, open-mouthed, while Jade is twerking the be-Jesus out of her Shein spandex outfit.
You can literally smell the sweat through the TV.
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion!’
(Photos: MTV)
I hate to tell y’all this but to those who don’t know the signs, Tyler is either gay or bisexual and questioning his sexuality.. I wouldn’t be surprised if in 10 years he comes out and cate is his supportive partner in it. Remember this comment
Sounds horrible.
Cory doesn’t want to marry Taylor and she should get a clue by now. Mind you, maybe she’ll nag him enough for him to propose if MTV wants to air the wedding ceremony but he doesn’t want to marry her and it’s obvious. She can surely do better than him.
Also Cate pimping Tyler is disgusting.
Right? They’ve lived together with kids for YEARS. And he KNOWS she wants to get married (it’s not like her catchphrase is “I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone”, in which case no shit, he’s not a mind reader).
He hasn’t even done the “engagement ring to shut her up for a while” thing. Dude does not want to get married.
Bro, Taylor, RUN!!! That shit will NOT stop until she puts her foot down and even then he may not stop. She’d be better off leaving for herself and her daughters. Her reaction alone shows this is not his first time acting like this, and it will def not be his last.
Also, how shitty do you have to be to try and get someone working on their sobriety to break said sobriety. I understand that drinking wasn’t a problem for him, but any addict knows not to touch shit when you’re trying to be sober. Even if your itch was heroine, you don’t go and have some shots of whiskey or smoke a blunt because it’s such a slippery slope. And for it to come from the 2 people CONSTANTLY dealing w/ addicts makes it that much worse.
Especially coming from children of addicts.
I don’t want to ever hear about how these 2 advocate for treatment. Bullshit.
2 gdam phonies.
Why put an innocent child through what you went through??
The man was working on getting better. Just hateful and evil. Absolutely no excuse, I don’t care if it’s a vacation.
Go sell pics of your husband to men and leave folks alone.(Not you, @Mimi!!)
Fucking THANK YOU! You’d think they of all people would be cheering on his sobriety not making sure he fucks it all up!
Unfortunately, Cory will never grow up. He has no reason to. He has someone who lets him be unemployed, gives his babies without commitment, and doesn’t set any boundaries.
Until she holds him to any kind of standard, this is what he’s going to continue to do.
I hope she leaves the trip and leaves him alone as well.
Oh Taylor. Why are you wasting one more SECOND of your life with CORY??? Get out NOW.
You made this mess sound so hilarious for a second I almost considered tuning into TM for the first time in 6 years
I was almost thinking the same, but I value my time too much 🙂 However, I devour these recaps – this one was gold.
I tuned out long before Cory joined, but wow what a jerk! And Cate and Ty are the trashiest. I feel so much embarrassment for their kids. Brandon’NTheresa must be shaking their heads.
Just came here to say Taylor is so beautiful!