‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: A “Bursted” Kidney & An (Oopsie) Baby on the Way

Me…trying to explain why MTV is continuing to keep this awful show on the air…

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with the residents of Casa de Unemployed. (Sorry, but The Ashley needed a week or so to process and think about her life choices after recapping the episode with the lingerie party and furry sex toys.)

That brings us to the newest episode of Teen Mom Family Reunion, which kicks off with a special appearance– via phone call– from Jade’s mom, Christy, who has been tasked with taking care of Cloughie Kloie back home while Jade and Sean are getting their Family Reunion on. (Um…I feel like I might leave Khloo-ie with food, water and a responsible cat rather than put her in the care of Christy but…OK.) 

“Come to Granny! I promise not to talk about my cootie while I’m watching you, kiddo.”

Christy is calling to let Jade know that Kloieey has been wearing out the time-out chair at school due to her new hobby of throwing up her middle fingers at her teacher. 

I think that’s nice…

“I have no idea where she learns this stuff.”

Jade says she knew that with Christy left in charge, there may be some “bumps in the road”; however, she’s just glad her and Sean’s spawn isn’t “dropping f-bombs and cursing.” At least not yet, anyway. 

Meanwhile in the house, the couples sit around making small talk while Mack sticks to Khessy’s side and avoids Cheyenne after their talk the previous day didn’t go the way she hoped it would. In fact, Mack says she feels “worse after that apology.” Nevertheless, Mack says she’s determined to have the best experience she can, no matter how many dirty looks she has to endure while making it happen. 

“Anything for a few bucks and some camera time, though…”

Just then, Maci and Beer Taylor announce that they’ve set up an outdoor activity involving some sort of obstacle course that will undoubtedly be the most-difficult thing any of these people have attempted to do in years. 

Before everyone heads out for the outing, Cheyenne contemplates giving Mack “some grace” following their disastrous conversation the previous day. Unfortunately for Mack, Cheyenne gets distracted by the idea when Kayla Sessler randomly arrives at Casa de Unemployed.  

“…and I don’t hate her, so there’s that.”

Kayla tells Cheyenne and Zach that her boyfriend, Ryan, will be arriving at the house later, as he’s finishing up a work trip first– a concept Zach pretends to understand.

Just when we think Kayla and her employed boyfriend may not be a fit for this spin-off, Kayla assures viewers that her and Ryan’s relationship is hanging on by a thread, making them more than deserving of this MTV-funded vacay. 

After greeting the rest of the house/meeting Mackenzie, who has no idea who the hell she is, Kayla tells the other moms that her ex/baby daddy Luke is back home watching their kids. She also admits she didn’t tell him where she was going because she thought he’d get mad and back out of his dad duties just to spite her. 

Maci says the whole situation “definitely sounds sketchy,” and Kayla confirms as much when she tells viewers that before she and Luke called things off, she had been cheating on him with Ryan. 

“Like I said, I belong here.”

After awkwardly meeting Kayla in the hallway and immediately admitting to having no idea who she is, Mack decides to “welcome her with open arms”– preferably before Cheyenne has an opportunity to turn Kayla against her. Two seconds into their conversation, Mackenzie realizes she not only knows who Kayla is, but that she previously feuded with her on social media after Kayla called her “boring” on Teen Mom: Girls’ Night In. 

Ugh…this is boring. Please, ladies, let’s all pick up a chair and throw it at one another. You can talk out your problems…while someone swings from the kitchen chandelier. Please and thank you…

Bri….where you at when we need ya, girl!?

Kayla doubles down on her “boring” comment, telling Mack that she and the other moms of ‘Young and Pregnant’ had a lot happening on their show. Mackenzie verbally bitch-slaps Kayla, saying, “If that’s true, why did your show get cancelled?”  

Dammmmn. Clearly Mackenzie isn’t excelling at making new friends. Yikes. 

Mack and Kayla’s crash-and-burn convo quickly comes to an end and the couples head out to participate in the nonsense Maci and Beer Taylor have planned for the day. Kayla decides to hang back at the house to wait for her boyfriend and presumably apply some salve to the burn she just received from Mack. 

The gang shoves their hooves into their athletic shoes (and plenty of too-tight Lycra shorts) and head out. (Catelynn is all suited up in her trusty peplum tank top. At this point, that thing should get its own name badge when it’s shown on-screen because it is practically a regular cast member by now!) 

“This thing belongs in the ‘Teen Mom’ History Museum, right next to Kieffer’s iconic green hoodie!”

Once the couples arrive at the obstacle course, they decide to make it a girls vs. boys event, thus forcing Mackenzie and Cheyenne to work together to complete this “fun outdoor activity.” 

The exact amount of enthusiasm this activity deserves.

First up is Mack, going against her boyfriend Khessy. The girls are cheering her on. (Even Cheyenne managed to clap her hands together a few times…although she may have been killing a mosquito…not sure.) 

Mackenzie gets killed by Khessy, and Tyler looks nervous. He knows that if Mack— a fitness coach and all-star cheerleader— can’t get through the course easily, ol’ Catey Girl (and her peplum) are gonna struggle.

When Cate gets up there, it does not go well. Tyler looks like he’s mentally adding up all the co-pays he’s going to owe if Cate gets sent to the hospital.

“And I’m not talking about her ability to pick fashion or hair colors.”

Two by two, the guys and girls trek through the ropes course and sadly, the girls take five L’s before getting their one and only win, courtesy of Maci, who claims she “bursted a kidney” right before crossing the finish line and beating Beer Taylor. 

Hey, it could have been worse…she could have “bursted” a Dr. Miami-inflated butt! Those things don’t come with an exchange policy! 

Maci’s up on the deck, in pain and huffing like she’s in labor with an Oopsie Baby. Taylor is concerned that Maci is showing signs of pain, because that’s unlike her.

In the end, Maci’s (likely dehydrated) bursted kidney is ok, and the group is able to get through the “fun outdoor activity” without arguing, injuring themselves (too much) and only having to hear Cory talk about The Challenge once. 

Speaking of things that are thirsty…

Back at the house, it’s now nighttime and the couples are scarfing down assorted grilled meats when they learn that Kayla’s boyfriend Ryan still hasn’t landed in Colombia. Mack is quick to give the situation some side-eye (while jamming hotdogs into her gullet, natch), but before she can voice her opinions, Jade pulls Kayla aside to catch up on her relationship drama. 

Kayla tells Jade that she and Ryan have been together for about a year, but they were keeping their relationship on the down-low…because she was also still with Luke when she and Ryan started banging no-nos. 

I think that’s nice…

Kayla tells Jade it’s totally fine though, because Luke was cheating on her at the time, too. 

I’m tellin’ ya! The only thing loyal on this damn show is Catelynn’s peplum tank!

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they DO make a decent storyline, so here I am!”

Kayla says she likes confiding in Jade because Jade isn’t judgmental and knows how to keep a secret. She tells Jade that she came on this horrific show for the paycheck to find out if what she has with Ryan is serious, or if she’s just wasting her time.

Oh, and, by the way, Kayla is ALSO PREGNANT WITH RYAN’S BABY!

UMMMM!?!??!!?!?!

“Girl, if this is your way of proving to the producers that you and your messy life deserve to be in this franchise, mission accomplished.”

Jade attempts to pick her jaw up off the floor, as Kayla debates whether or not to drop her baby news on the rest of the house. (Now we understand why Kayla wasn’t forced to go swing from the kidney-bursting ropes course!)

Kayla says she won’t reveal her baby news until Ryan (finally) arrives, and they can discuss how they want to handle things.

Kayla then states that she and Ryan haven’t even spoken much about the pregnancy amongst themselves. (UM?!) She isn’t sure if she wants to mention it and make Ryan uncomfortable as soon as he arrives at Casa de Unemployed. 

“Once we decide if our relationship is serious or not, then we’ll discuss the fact that we are literally having a child together. But not yet.”

Jade tells Kayla that people are likely to get suspicious when they don’t see her drinking her body weight in liquor or participating in the physical activities. Nevertheless, Kayla is sticking to her plan to remain tight-lipped about the Oopsie Baby that’s brewing in her tummy. 

Kayla tells Jade that she and Ryan basically have no business having a kid at this point. Kayla says Ryan is very unhappy that Kayla is knocked up. 

“If only you had a TV doctor advising you for YEARS to go on itsyoursexlife.com and  learn how prevent pregnancy. Oh…wait…”

Naturally (because this is ‘Teen Mom’), Ryan also has his own kid to add to the heap ‘o’ offspring Kayla already has. Kayla says that, with the new Oopsie Baby, that will be FOUR kids with all different moms and dads.

Jade tells Kayla to put her trust into the relationship experts on the trip and Kayla immediately seems overly optimistic that two strangers can help her and Ryan sort out everything— from the mutual cheating, to the unwanted pregnancy, to the fact that Ryan has literally gone M.I.A. in a strange South American country. 

Over in the pool, Maci is still nursing her wounds and “bursted” kidney. Cheyenne suggests that Maci remedy her pain by having sex. Beer Taylor looks absolutely terrified.

“Please go get one of the furry sex toys….please go get one of the furry sex toys…”

Later that night, Ryan finally arrives. Kayla greets him at the door and apologizes for how sweaty she is, to which he confirms that she does smell rather “musty.” 

I think that’s nice…

Something is in the air and it isn’t romance.

Ryan looks absolutely miserable as he comes into the house. Seriously, did the producers lie and say that he’d have to help sort through Tyler’s Only Fans thong pics or something? Dude looks like he’s being forced in at gunpoint!

Moments after Ryan enters the house, producers ask him why he didn’t make the trip to Colombia with Kayla. Ryan confirms that he was finishing up a job on the road, but he adds that he also didn’t travel with Kayla because the two of them weren’t getting along at the time.

Sure they can make a baby and whatnot…but do seven hours in side-by-side airplane Basic Economy seats!? HELL to the NO! 

Judging by their body language, things are still off between the two, and even Cheyenne picks up on their weird tension within the first few minutes. 

“We’re just like ‘The Notebook,’ y’all!”

Before he even has a chance to see his room, Ryan is already making up for lost time by throwing back three shots of tequila all at once.

That should end well…

Cheyenne warns Ryan not to go shot-for-shot with Cory unless he has some sort of death wish, but that doesn’t stop Ryan, who apparently will do/drink anything to temporarily escape from the hell that is his relationship. 

“Keep ’em coming!”

Once Ryan has choked down enough Jose Cuervo to make him less mortified for appearing on this horrible show, he and Kayla head up to their room so he can start to unpack. While berating Kayla for being so messy, Ryan asks if everyone knows about their “situation.” 

Kayla tells him she’s kept the news (mostly) to herself since they don’t even know what they’re going to do about that “situation” yet. She points out, though, that it’s kind of obvious that she’s knocked up because she’s not drinking or doing any activities. Ryan so kindly adds that Kayla also looks pregnant.

We think the experts can go ahead put Ryan down for a few sensitivity training classes while he’s here. 

Once Ryan and Kayla are back downstairs, Cory resumes pouring shots down Ryan’s throat, while Kayla drops her pregnancy news on Cheyenne, who responds with, “congratulations?”

Chey asks Kayla if Ryan is someone she thinks she could be with long-term. (Um…like 18 years or so?) Kayla says she thinks so…if she and Ryan can work out a couple of their “kinks.”

“Did someone say KINKS? Should I get a sex toy basket prepared?!”

Meanwhile, Cory is absolutely confused as to why Kayla won’t guzzle low-grade tequila with them. (Apparently the idea of being on a rotten reality show and not drinking the embarrassment away is completely foreign to Cory.)

Finally, Ryan tells him that Kayla “technically can’t” drink…but Cory still doesn’t get it.

Cheyenne tries to help him “get there faster” but poor, blockhead Cory still doesn’t understand, even after Chey literally tells him, “Come on, Cory. Think about it. You have three!” 

As in…three kids.

“Give me another hint.”

Finally it clicks in Cory’s tequila-aquarium-of-a-brain that Kayla is “with child.” 

Before long, Beer Taylor is congratulating Ryan, and Cheyenne is telling Kayla that her secret is out. Kayla says Ryan’s decision to talk openly about the pregnancy with strangers just shows how bad their communication is with each other. (Or, ya know, how taking 10+ shots within an hour can get you to open up to literally anyone about literally anything.) 

The next morning, Ryan and Kayla continue to act super-uncomfortable around each other.

The only thing messier than Kayla’s room is her relationship.

“The tension between me and Kayla is bad,” Ryan says. “I don’t know where we’re going from here!”

Um…you’re going to the maternity ward, bro!

Meanwhile, Maci and Beer Taylor start packing up to head back home after failing to secure childcare for the entire duration of the vacation. Maci says she and Beer Taylor only have one day left in paradise, and they’re gonna make the most of it!

Stock up the beer fridge— things are about to get red-faced and bloaty!

Before saying goodbye, Maci and Beer Taylor are subjected to one final group activity– hypnotherapy for the ladies and beachside ice baths for the guys.

Ryan is (understandably) not thrilled at the idea of climbing into a freezing bathtub surrounded by dudes he just met. 

That face you make when your ‘free trip to South America’ suddenly becomes ‘freeze your bean bags off for no apparent reason’…

Naturally, Cory takes the opportunity to tell us how he uses ice baths all the time, being an “athlete” and all. 

We should have seen that one coming… 

Of course you are.

Relationship expert Michaiah tells the boys that they are freezing their gonads off to show them how “extreme” relationships can become…or something. I have no clue. 

“This workshop is all about keeping your COOL when conflict comes up,” she says.

Me…after hearing the explanation for this activity.

Beer Taylor looks interested. (He’s probably mentally calculating how many Bud Lights he can put on ice in that tub alongside his body!)

Everyone else pretty much just looks comatose. 

The boys strip down. (Thankfully, Tyler did us all a solid and left his red OnlyFans thong in his room.) They climb into the ice baths and Tyler is asked how he brings himself down when he and Catelynn are struggling. He starts yammering about therapy horses and whatnot, while the other guys are turning blue. He just keeps talking. (I really think we need to do a vitals check on poor Khessy. I’m concerned.) 

“Crazy ass Americans.”

Inside the house, the girls are meeting with Dr. Mike for their hypnotizing workshop. He explains that he is going to teach them some hypnosis tricks to help them calm down. 

Everyone is CLEARLY thrilled.

Mackenzie is not excited. She’s scared that Dr. Mike will have her “acting a fool” and barking like a dog or worshipping the devil or something.

“The Jesus God Leah is not gonna be OK with this activity, guys!”

Dr. Mike makes the girls take a red ball and write a word on it, representing something they want to “release” while they’re here. Maci and Kayla each pick “self doubt,” and Maci explains she’s too controlling, something Chey and Jade can relate to. 

Dr. Mike starts to try to hypnotize the girls. At the end, most of them insist that they were, indeed, hypnotized. (MTV may have threatened to pull their paycheck for the day if they don’t go along with the charade. Who knows?)

At the end, Dr. Mike pulls Mack and Chey and has them sit across from each other. Both girls look displeased when they realize this will be an attempt to get them to mend fences. When Dr. Mike starts babbling and trying to bring in his “Kumbaya” crap, Cheyenne shuts it DOWN.

“I just feel like this is really forced right now,” she says. “And inauthentic.” 

Dr. Mike says that it seems like Cheyenne really has “the hates” for Mackenzie.

“Um…can we go back to the Satanic s**t? That’s better than this crap!”

Cheyenne admits that she does not like Mackenzie, all while Mack just sits there awkwardly. 

That’s where they cut it off…until next week!

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV) 

 

 

10 Responses


  1. Wtf is wrong with Kayla. Stop having babies with every guy you date. It’s beyond weird. She needs counseling.


  2. Sad how cavalier the characters on this show are about having kids with rando partners that might not last. Maybe I’m just old and that’s the way it goes now? Not great for the children involved who need stability. My guess is Mackenzie will be next. Cheyenne is probably irked that Mack is with a black guy which might contribute to her grudge.


  3. Did other Taylor and the drunk waste of space leave?

    Best of luck to Kayla. 3 dudes and 3 babies in and hasn’t learned how to date properly yet. Smh. She’s as bad as Kail.


  4. This franchise is doomed, considering that even The Ashley’s funny comments can’t make the show sound watchable. Thanks for giving it your best shot; unfortunately, there is not much to work with because MTV is beating a dead horse. Nothing, not even a love match between Farrah and Nathan, could save this sinking ship.


    1. I’ve never been interested in watching, but these recaps are life. It’s a testament to The Ashley’s RR that they can extract water from a rock!

      The humor remains top tier.


  5. The “burn” from Mak bothers me! I haven’t watch TeenMom or any of the spin offs in years. Most of you guys say the same thing on here. If I was Kayla I would have said, “yeah, but hasn’t MTV ghosted you 3 times now. Everytime you come on a show it gets canceled or you get fired.” Mak is annoying, most people don’t like her so Kayla was just saying what everyone else was thinking.

    I’d much rather watch the Young and Pregnant or Unexpected girls than these 30 year olds still acting like teens. Who am I to say anything though. MTV will keep the TeenMom shows around and I’ll continue reading The Ashley to and be entertained that way.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Share the Post:

Related Posts