Welcome, my fellow Fundie followers! Last week, we journeyed through the first two parts of Jessa Duggar Seewald‘s birth story for Baby Blessing No. 6. Somehow Jessa and her hubby Ben have managed to stretch their child’s birth into four separate YouTube videos (which, honestly, is kind of impressive), so now The Ashley will recap Parts 3 and 4.

These videos cover covers the period right after Blessing No. 6 shoots from Jessa’s fruitful loins and waits in terror as Ben and Jessa— the people who actually named their son Spurgeon— get to decide on a name for him.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Jessa begins by telling us that she and Ben have the tradition of keeping secret the name and gender of each kid that takes a one-way trip on Jessa’s Slip ‘n’ Slide of Fertility. Before they let Jim Bob & Co. ram their big heads (and cameras) into the hospital room, Jessa brings in her other kids to ogle at the baby (not to mention toughen up the baby’s immune system by letting five sticky-handed kids touch all over him).

For those of you keeping track at home, Jessa is one of the Duggar Family’s top breeders. With six kids, she is second only to Anna— the wife of Jessa’s imprisoned older brother Josh. Since ol’ Joshy is going to be living that three-hots-and-a-cot life for the rest of Anna’s fertile years, it’s almost certain that Jessa will overtake Anna as the top producer of Duggar spawn. Currently, Jessa and Ben have three boys and two girls, and have not yet revealed the gender of Blessing No. 6.

Jim Bob gets Jessa’s four oldest kids all lined up and in front of the camera to get their guesses on whether their newest sibling will be a boy or a girl. (You can tell Jimmy B was in charge of dressing these children, as most of them look like Depression-era orphans.)

Poor Henry looks absolutely miserable. He can’t even pretend to be excited that yet another kid has arrived.

(In addition to The Spruge and Henry, Jessa and Ben also have daughters Fern and Ivy, and one-year-old son George.) 

“Spurgey” (as Jim Bob actually calls him) says he hopes it’s a boy. (However, we all know he’s hoping that the new kids gets saddled with a name at least as bad as the one he got.) 

With that, the Seewald Clan stampedes into the hospital to go meet their new sibling. (Jim Bob tags along because we know he ain’t gonna miss a chance to get his mug on camera.) 

The kids are soon informed that Baby No. 6 is a boy, and they seem to be excited about the fact that one-year-old George has a little brother.

Spurgeon, however, wants to get down to business. He wants to know what the hell ridiculous name Ben and Jessa have cooked up for this kid.

Ben informs Spurgeon that the boy doesn’t have a name yet. (How can you stretch out a YouTube video into two parts if you give away the goods two minutes in?)

Henry is the first kid to hold the new baby. Ben instructs him not to kiss the baby “on the mouth.”

Next it’s Fern’s (or Ivy…I can’t tell the plant-named girls apart) turn to spew her germs on the baby. Ben asks her for some name suggestions and she suggests “Rainbow Print.” 

A little too progressive for Duggar, honey, but not bad. It’s still better than Spurgeon. 

Jessa can be heard in the background telling Ben’s mom that it took her five days to come up with Spurgeon’s name, as well as Henry’s. Ben mentions that they’re considering naming this kid Edward. 

(They should be fully expecting Spurgeon to riot at the very mention of the new kid getting such a normal name.) 

Jim Bob— clearly thinking he’s very clever— suggests that they call him “Eddie” as a nickname for Edward.

What.An.Original.Idea.

Even the baby gives Gramps the side-eye after that one.

After each Seewald kid has spread their assorted communicable diseases onto the baby, Jim Bob throws out yet another stellar name suggestion.

“It could be John MacArthur,” Jimmy B suggests, regarding the recently deceased preacher man. (You can go ahead and Google the dude yourself. It’s a wild ride.) 

Jim Bob is also quick to make this baby’s birth about himself, reminding everyone that Baby Rainbow Print John MacArthur is Number 39 in his cornucopia of grandkids. 

Later, Ben and Jessa are alone in their hospital room with the still-nameless baby. Ben decides to give us a history lesson on all the weird preacher/saint/missionaries they are considering naming their child after. Jessa suggests they go Greek and name the kid “Athanasius.” Jessa reminds us that all of their boys thus far have been named after “theologians.”

Ben enjoys Athanasius as a middle name, and Jessa likens it to the time they saddled Henry with the middle name “Wilberforce.” 

Other names being considered are Edward (after King Edward VI and Jonathan Edwards), and Owen (after a puritan named John Owen). They are also considering Calvin (after John Calvin), who is Ben’s favorite “reformer.” (Who’s your favorite reformer?) 

For some reason, no one suggests they name the kid John, despite all three of the people they’re considering naming the kid after having the first name John.

Next, we go into Part 4, where Ben informs us that “Jessa’s on the pills” and has a foggy mind because she dared to take some pain medication for her after-birth cramps. 

They still can’t decide on a name so poor Rainbow Print John MacArthur leaves the hospital name-less. They have nine days to decide on a name. (We can assume that, because it’s Arkansas, the government will automatically assign him a name that ends in -Bob if the parents can’t decide.)

Jessa says that she and the fam will call the baby Calvin, Edward and Owen so they can try them all out and decide which fits the kid best. 

We are then treated to some riveting footage of the Seewalds’ trip to Chick-fil-A. They then wheel Baby Calvin Edward Owen into the house, where he proceeds to give his big brother George some serious side-eye. As much as they’re trying to sell George on having “his” new baby, the kid is not having it. He wants nothing to do with this nameless kid who’s crashing his pad.

Jessa tells us that seeing the love her older kids have for the new blessing “melts her.” She allows one of the Plant Girls to rub her sticky mitts all over the newborn’s face (as you do).

The Plant Girls are thrilled to have a new baby in the house, and Ben keeps saying over and over (and over) that Baby Rainbow Print John MacArthur is here to be a playmate for Baby George. The newborn looks less-than-thrilled to hear his purpose in life.

Fern says that she wants to name the baby Edward. When Ben suggests they could call him “Eddie” for short, Fern isn’t having it. 

Next, Jessa talks about how her own parents, Jimmy B and Michelle, explained how they were able to love 19 kids and give them their special time.

“My mom would always say, ‘Love multiplies, it doesn’t divide,'” Jessa tells us.

Jessa goes on to explain that, as a child, she felt “so much excitement for each little one” who shot out of her mother’s clown-car-of-a-hooha every year or so. She states that her parents went “above and beyond” to give each of their kids individual time. 

Next, Jessa uses this opportunity to shill some random gut health elixir. She tells us that taking this special snake oil keeps her and the kids from getting sick, so it’s fine if they breathe and paw all over poor Baby Rainbow Print.

Get yours today! 

After she rambles on for several moments about the magic of seed oil (or whatever the hell it is), Jessa then shouts out her mom, as well as Ben’s mom for being there to help keep the other Seewald blessings from going rogue while Jessa was in the stirrups. She also commends Michelle for watching the kids every day for the first week after Baby Rainbow Print was born. 

“My mom is an angel,” Jessa says. “I am so grateful for all of her help.” 

Next, we watch Ben and Jessa snarf food from a restaurant called The Buttered Biscuit. 

If watching them shovel their grub into their mouths didn’t turn your stomach, Jessa then launches into a speech about how bad her recovery was after she had her first baby, since Ol’ Spurge apparently tore through Jessa’s nethers like a freight train. She reminisces about her “third-degree tear” and how painful her recovery was. 

She later commends Ben for being a “fun dad” who “watches” the other kids for her while she recovers and takes care of the newborn. She says that Ben generally takes care of putting the kids to bed, even when she isn’t fresh from child birth. 

Finally, after sitting through literally four parts of this nonsense, Ben and Jessa tell us they have finally picked a name for this kid. It took them five days but…they’ve decided to call him…..Edward.

Are you freaking kidding me?! They did all this, only to reveal that they named him the name they already told us?!? Honestly, the curiosity of what atrocity of a name they were going to unload on this kid was the only thing that got me through all four parts of this birth story video. 

They also reveal the middle name: Owen.

Yay.

They seriously teased us with the idea that they were going to call him Athanasius, but ended up with Edward Owen? I hope they hid all the matches from Spurgeon when they revealed the normal name they gave Baby No. 6. 

“As soon as they heard that, most of the kids were like, ‘We love that name!'” Ben tells us.

Gee…I wonder which kid wasn’t thrilled. 

That’s all for this recap! To read The Ashley’s recap of the first two parts of Jessa’s birth story, click here! You can watch Part 4 of Jessa’s video below!

(Photos: YouTube)