Stop cartwheeling around the house and grab your favorite collectable doll– it’s time for another episode of Sister Wives! 

This episode kicks off in Parowan, where Meri is stopping by her BFF Jenn’s bike shop to talk about the many men she’s entertaining via dating app at the moment, in addition to Ron, the man she met at the speed-dating event. 

Meri reveals that she and Speed-Date Ron have spoken a couple times since meeting. (Unfortunately, these interactions happened off-camera, so we’re forced to re-watch a clip from the couple’s 10-minute date for what feels like the 158th time.) 

Meri tells producers that Ron is a “nice guy,” but offers no other details.

“It’s what you get,” she adds, before laughing manically to herself.  

Is anyone else a little scared? Just me? Ok….

Meri tells Jenn more about the roster of guys she’s been swiping on and chatting with. Meri says that her views on dating are different from Jen’s, due to the culture she grew up in, which encouraged people to date with the intention of getting married instead of just “dating around.” 

I’m pretty sure she just called Jen a ho-bag? 

Meri shows off some of the not-Kodys that she’s currently talking to on the app. Meri tells Jenn she honestly thinks dating apps are stupid, as are the men using them. Because they need to fill some time on this crapidose, we’re then forced to hear the sister wives weigh in on the topic of dating apps, beginning with Robyn, who says she “can’t even imagine dating through an app,” claiming it would feel “so disconnected.” 

Christine chimes in to let viewers know that when she was perusing the apps, she came across heaps of swingers and people in open marriages. Janelle assures viewers that they will never see her on a dating app, while Kody argues that dating apps don’t allow you to know a person’s “real essence”– a factor that would actually work in the favor of a troglodyte like Kody. 

Amid Meri and Jenn’s bike-shop swipe-a-thon, they come across a man whom they both agree has a great head of hair. Meri says that she’s open to dating men with any kind of hair as long as they know how to take care of it, even if it’s “long and curly and whatever.” She also stresses how important it is that a man’s hair not be crazy, before realizing mid-sentence that she’s describing her ex to a T.

Next we head down to Flagstaff where crazy-haired Kody has roped his younger brother Michael into helping him move dolls and purple crap to the new Mountain Mansion. As Kody, Michael and Robyn box up more of Robyn’s “collectables” (which we can also assume includes her breakdancing clothes), Kody warns the room that his personality isn’t the only thing about him that stinks at the moment.

Yes, friends, Kody brags that he is now rocking some rank body odor. Naturally, Kody goes on to offer Robyn a whiff of his “pheromones,” as Michael stands there looking like he’d rather chug a gallon of Kody’s hair gel than be in this room. 

In an attempt to seemingly explain his odd “flirting” tactic, Kody tells Michael that he’s “always peacocking” Robyn.

May I go on record to say that I never again want to hear the words “Kody”, “cock” and “Robyn” in the same sentence? Please and thank you. 

We also learn that said peacocking hasn’t been working too well, as Kody says he and Robyn have become “battle buddies, not lovers” amid their (latest) move. Kody— who apparently has big hopes for his peacock— hopes that waving his body odor around Robyn may ignite some romance into their marriage.

And Kody wonders why has so many failed marriages under his belt. 

Robyn says she’s not feeling Kody’s funk, nor does she feel comfortable showing her husband any affection in front of others, which she blames on plural marriage and its “culture of no affection.”

Or, you know, Kody is starting to trigger that ‘upchuck’ response for her that most of us get when we see him.

Now that she’s a dreaded monogamist (thanks a lot, Christine!), Robyn says she has to get used to showing some love to Kody in front of people other than her tenders and assorted doll friends.

Kody adds that when he and Robyn get to a point where Robyn feels comfortable grabbing his ass in front of the Auntie Anne’s pretzel stand at their local mall, he’ll know she’s officially pro-PDA. 

After all that ass slappery talk and whatnot, we next head to Christine’s house in Salt Lake City, where the mom of six has just learned that another one of her children is ditching her for the Tar Heel State. Christine is none-too-happy to find out that her only son Paedon is heading east to North Carolina to be closer to family– namely Janelle and Maddie. (Last episode, Mykelti and her family also relocated to North Carolina.)

Paedon tells his mom that in the wake of his brother Garrison’s death, he’s in need of a change of scenery, and Christine seems somewhat understanding of this, even if she also finds it “actually rubbish” and “insane” that another one of her children is leaving her. 

Later on, Christine and David go for a walk through their neighborhood and Christine talks about how much she misses her kids and grandkids. Christine says that after she married David, she felt like they had a “huge, full experience,” but that experience has since been ruined by the alluring state of North Carolina.

Christine tells David that she feels like a bad mom because all six of her children aren’t jonesing to live next door to her and because two have “picked Janelle instead.” According to Christine, Janelle even joked about having all the grandkids in her state– a remark that had Christine nearly ready to throw hands.

She also says that all of her recent conversations with Janelle have been about MLMs “business stuff,” now that Janelle has decided to focus her time on her and Maddie’s farm. 

I’m sure Kody and Robyn are just devastated to hear about the decline of Janelle and Christine’s friendship…

Back in Parowan, Meri and Jenn are (STILL) hovering over Meri’s dating apps because…honestly, what else does Meri even have to film about these days? She hasn’t spoken to Kody since she backed that ass up into him when he helped her move. She isn’t playing the dutiful Rice Krispies-making lady-in-waiting to Robyn anymore, so she kind of has no storyline. 

I won’t be surprised if next episode they have her reminiscing about her Las Vegas home’s wetbar and/or once again drudging up the Ye Olde Catfish Scandal just to give her something to film about to justify paying her salary. 

After realizing how many men her friend is juggling in her DMs, Jenn jokingly tells Meri that she’s nearing “hussy” status, to which Meri argues otherwise. Jenn also notes that men in polygamy would be considered “hussies” by definition. We’re then forced to hear Meri talk (again) about her pre-marriage “dating” life– or lack thereof– and how she “didn’t really have the option” to look for a spouse outside of the church, which is how she got saddled up with ‘ol mop head.  

While recalling his and Meri’s (quick) courtship, Kody reveals that meeting Meri’s parents was the “clincher” in their relationship, as he was into their plural-marriage experience. In the very next sentence, however, he claims that Meri’s parents “were just reeling me in.” 

Meri hints that Kody may have been reeling her in, as well, as she tells viewers how “different” Kody was back in the day– aka not a complete and total nightmare like he is today. Meri says she doesn’t doubt that there’s still “goodness” in Kody; she just hasn’t been on the receiving end of it for a very long time. She also says that she thinks “there’s something he’s trying to cover up.” 

Meri wraps up this seemingly hour-long dating app scene by noting how important it is for her to find someone who’s a good fit and worthy of her time. She adds that it’s a “privilege” to hang out with her and be in her space. 

Back in Flagstaff, Kody and Michael are still packing up the messy Mountain Mansion with one day left to finish everything. Despite the strict timeline, Kody and his brother take a break amid the chaos to chat, during which Kody tries to explain to Michael that he and Robyn (and The Chosen Five) are moving to escape their home’s bad vibes– nearly all of which Kody and Robyn brought on themselves. 

Kody lies claims that the move was also motivated by Robyn deciding that she was “done” with the idea of Coyote Pass. When Michael asks Kody how Robyn likes being the last soulmate standing, Kody mentions (again) how much his “shy and pretty” wife has “struggled with the whole thing.”

We know, we know…the porch rocking chairs…

We also hear from Robyn, who tells producers that being the only wife is “great in some ways” and “not great” in other ways. She also notes that this is not the life she expected or planned for herself and while she loves Kody, she “did not ever intend or expect or want to have him to myself.” 

Back at the Mountain Mansion, Michael says that Kody was “the coolest polygamist” he knew growing up and now Kody’s neither cool nor a polygamist. Kody expresses the “struggle” of polygamy and how it’s something people don’t understand unless they’re in it– which Michael is not, nor does he ever plan to be. Kody insists that those who appear to be happy in plural marriage are faking it. 

Kody then randomly reveals that Christine told him more than a decade ago that she “hated” polygamy– a remark he proceeds to use as a segue into a discussion about their divorce and how he’s still bitter and doesn’t even like to say Christine’s name.

Despite this ongoing hatred he feels towards his ex, Kody tells Michael he still has to interact with “her kids,” to which Michael reminds Kody that they are “your kids, too.” 

After begrudgingly rephrasing his comment to “our kids,” Kody notes how happy Christine is now that she’s found her soulmate and how this happiness should help her “get over whatever happened” between them. Shockingly, Kody admits this is hypocritical of him, as he’s “happy with Robyn,” but clearly still very hung up on “the failure of this experience.” 

Speaking of “this experience,” Kody tells Michael that he recently realized their dad, Winn– who was married to three wives, one of whom was Janelle’s mom, Sheryl– was getting into plural marriage at the same age Kody was when he was getting out of it. Kody says that because their dad started juggling multiple spouses later in life, it probably made the lifestyle easier to maintain. He also takes the opportunity to bring up his dad’s “sheer damn manliness,” which he prefaces with, “and I’m not being sexist, OK?” 

Kody shares with Michael his take on how attractive it probably was to women that their dad was “angry” and “mean.”

Um…?

Kody adds that his dad was “extremely masculine,” given that he was a “macho” cowboy. Kody even claims that Sheryl had a “raw attraction” to his dad because she “saw a 53-year-old man busting his ass and it turned her on.” (Nope, nothing weird about any of THAT…) 

While comparing himself to his dad, Kody tells Michael that once he hit a certain age, he began to question if his wives were still into him– which they clearly weren’t, given that Robyn is the only one who stuck around.  

Next, we head to North Carolina, where those who live in-state have gathered at Janelle, Maddie and Caleb’s farm to cut down a random tree to put in Maddie’s yard as a Christmas decoration. Before the chopping begins, Maddie and Janelle give the family an update on Taeda Farms, which they say is slowly moving forward. After the tree is successfully cut down and loaded onto a pickup truck, Janelle notes that this is the first tree to be removed from the farm, proving once again that good things happen when Kody Brown is NOT involved. 

Back at Maddie and Caleb’s house, the family gathers lights to put on the front-yard farm tree while discussing a book by the Darger family– the polygamist family with whom the Browns have been friends for years. Mykelti says she read the book and found it “actually cute,” to which Maddie says, “because [Joe Darger] actually loves all of his wives.”

Burrrn….

Janelle says that the Darger family is one of the few examples of plural marriage done right, as Joe is “excellent with his kids and his family.” 

Even Kody gives the Darger family props for being “very successful,” though he credits this success to Joe’s wives being “culturally homogenous” and having a good understanding of plural marriage.  

When asked about the Darger family, Christine explains to producers that some people (like Joe) are architects, who are good at planning and executing said plans, while others (like Kody) are firefighters, who are “just constantly putting out fires and rescuing.”

As for Kody, he claims that his family failed because he struggled to “be devoted specifically to every single wife and vice versa.” Furthermore, he claims that his wives weren’t devoted to each other either. 

After discussing the Dargers, Janelle and the family head out to Maddie’s front yard and decorate their thin and oddly placed tree, which Janelle dubs “a symbol” and NOT a tree version of Kody, much to our surprise. 

The episode wraps up in Flagstaff, where all of the horrendous furniture and decor has finally been removed from Kody and Robyn’s Mountain Mansion and the family solemnly says goodbye to the home, along with all of the horrible memories they allegedly made while living there. 

Kody promises Robyn and the tenders (both adult and minor) that better “non-poisoned” times are ahead at the new Mountain Mansion and they convene with another group hug/prayer.

Before the episode ends, Kody tells viewers that he doesn’t know what went wrong in his family, but he does know that he “stirred up a jealously” with his former wives when he purchased this Mountain Mansion for Robyn and left them to flounder in random rentals around town. 

That’s all for this episode! 

Click here to read last week’s ‘Sister Wives’ recap! 

RELATED STORY: ‘Sister Wives’ Star Kody Brown Says He Uses His “Stinky Body” to Flirt with Wife Robyn: “I’m Always Peacocking at Her” 

(Photos: TLC)