Grab your trusty work gloves and get ready to unpack another crap-isode of Sister Wives! 

This episode kicks off in Flagstaff, where Kody and Robyn are somehow still unboxing Robyn’s purple junk and assorted pieces of “art” to clutter up their new Mountain Mansion. After placing a random phoenix sculpture upon the mantle (as you do), Kody and Robyn celebrate by sharing a kiss that Robyn reveals is not only painful for us to watch, but also physically painful to participate in, due to the wild state of Kody’s facial hair. 

Kody– whose hair situation has been unfortunate at best since making his reality TV debut– shockingly offers to shave off his mustache in exchange for more make-out sessions with his shy wife.

“More kisses for Kody!” he gleefully announces as he dashes off to one of the Mountain Mansion’s 1700 bathrooms to buzz off his Guy Fieri-esque facial hair. 

We are now resorting to watching these goons do their personal grooming on-camera. Damn, what I wouldn’t give for a catfish storyline or even a cringy family flashmob scene right about now.

Sigh.

Before Kody gets to hacking on his hair, he has Robyn reassure him that willingly shearing his face will mean that the two of them will “make out like teenagers.” 

The Ashley will give you a moment to yak into whatever container you have near you as you picture Kody and Robyn sucking face. 

As Kody manscapes his mug, Robyn tells viewers that when Kody was still married to those porch-rocking-chair dream killers known as Christine, Janelle and Meri, she was always “really careful” about partaking in PDA with Kody in order to be respectful. Now that she and Kody are in a monogamous marriage, Robyn says she and Kody “flirt a lot.” 

Back in the bathroom, Kody gleefully accepts compliments about his now-visible jawline and later tells viewers he’s digging his look so much that he’d almost consider doing away with all of his facial hair, as well as (what’s left of) his mop top. (As The Ashley told you earlier this week, Kody recently did just that; click here to check out his new look.) 

Next we head to North Carolina, where we’re told that Janelle’s daughter Maddie will soon be popping out another Brush baby. While Maddie has shared her baby bathtub-births with the camera crew in the past, Janelle casually reveals that Maddie’s new daughter, Amelia “Mille” Estelle, has arrived and is already home, meaning we won’t be subjected to watching Maddie squat out another kid in her bathroom.

Although Millie was born a week after her due date and therefore didn’t end up arriving on the anniversary of Garrison’s death, her middle name means star, which Maddie says is a nod to Garrison and his love of photographing the night sky. 

Over in Utah, Christine is whipping up “diaper cakes” while surrounded by an assortment of baby items and a dozen or so Amazon boxes.

While Christine is assembling what will be baby shower gifts for two of her kids, David comes downstairs, sees the stack of deliveries and begins to question Christine about her spending habits. David– who is obviously ignoring the years of TLC paychecks his wife has collected and the MLM products she’s been shilling for more than a decade– wonders what will happen when his income is their only income. 

After admitting that she has packages delivered to her house on a near-daily basis, Christine acknowledges that she’s spending too much money and that she needs to cut back. 

When David asks Christine if she had a budget when she was married to Kody, Christine claims that the family had “no money,” especially when their kids were young. She then recalls not having enough money for groceries and needing to put items back at the checkout counter, an experience she calls “embarrassing.” 

Christine explains to viewers that once she (and the other wives sans Robyn) began earning their own money, she had more financial freedom; however, “everyone except Robyn would contribute” to the family account.

Christine says Kody was in charge of this money and she never knew how much the other wives were taking out of it, but knows that she took what she “needed.” Money from the family account was also used for (most of) the kids’ college tuitions– something to which Christine claims David would never agree. 

After confirming that he wouldn’t have used family funds to cover his kids’ college costs, David tells Christine that they need to start thinking about where they’ll be financially in the next 10 years. Christine explains that because there were so many years that she had nothing to give her kids, she wants to make up for it now. Still, she realizes that she may not be able to fully fund Truely’s college tuition when the time comes and that it’s something she and David will have to eventually figure out. 

If only Truly had a father and mother who had literally made millions from filming a reality TV show that exploited Truly from the moment she emerged from Christine’s baby chute…oh…wait.

Back in Flagstaff, Robyn is (allegedly) organizing the overfilled hell that is the Mountain Mansion pantry. 

Kody runs into the house to share the news that a full offer on Coyote Pass has been received and they’ll soon be rid of one of the worst financial decisions that Kody and Co. ever made. Robyn mentions for the millionth time that saying goodbye to the vacant property is “really hard” for her. 

While Kody recognizes Robyn’s eternal struggle with selling the property, he’s focused on closing the chapter that was his “former life.” He also notes that buying the new (and “opulent”) Mountain Mansion has really eased the pain of parting ways with Coyote Pass. 

Later that night, Kody and Robyn gather The Tenders (minus Dayton, who appears to have jumped in his driveway RV and high-tailed it out of the mess of Amazon boxes and bad art that is the Mountain Mansion). They tell the “kids” that they have sold Coyote Pass and no one looks particularly sad— or like they even care. Aurora does take a moment to tell the table that Coyote Pass “represented the dream of our family being a whole close unit again”– something Robyn agrees with, mostly likely because she fed the line verbatim to her daughter before the cameras began rolling.   

Kody tells Robyn and The Tenders that while there won’t be any more memories made on Coyote Pass, there will be plenty of memories made at the new Mountain Mansion. (What memories? All they did on Coyote Pass was sit in lawn chairs and talk crap on each other!) 

Next we head to Parowan, where Meri’s B&B is being gutted and remodeled. Meri says she’ll continue living at the B&B as it’s being revamped and that her longtime family friend Amber will be shacking up on the premises as well, presumably to give Meri’s trusty BFF Jenn a break from filming this garbage disposal of a show. 

Meri tells Jenn’s understudy Amber that because Coyote Pass has been sold, she’s returning to Flagstaff to finalize paperwork, where she’ll probably have to see Janelle, Kody and Robyn. Meri predicts that seeing Robyn will be particularly awkward, as their last encounter was “really weird.” (Let that be a lesson to anyone thinking about gifting a fairy junk journal to someone this holiday season.) 

Meri– who claims there’s “not trust with me and Robyn”– also reveals that she found out Coyote Pass had been sold through Justin the realtor, not Janelle, Kody or Robyn. She also shares some of the conversations that went on between herself and Robyn and Kody about the property, none of which went smoothly. 

Meri tells viewers that during one “really rough” conversation she had with Kody, Kody “went after” Jenn, which Meri says she won’t stand for. Kody then admits to viewers that it’s hard for him to not see Jenn as a “nemesis,” as he believes she encouraged Meri to leave their marriage back when the Browns were still living in Las Vegas. 

Kody seems to be mad that Jenn told Meri she didn’t have to settle for a life where she’s 1/4 married to a frizzy haired Fraggle with an ego the size of the Grand Canyon. Go figure. 

As Meri heads out to Flagstaff, Janelle has just arrived in town from North Carolina. Before begrudgingly dragging herself to Coyote Pass (where memories of the day Kody stripped down to splash in the mud pit surely still haunt her brain), Janelle meets up with her Flagstaff friends, Kristina and Angela, to catch up. Unfortunately, she’s lost most of her voice and is barely able to speak to them.

Angela jokes that it would be great if Kody showed up to Coyote Pass without his voice, to which Kristina reminds her that he’s “too busy losing his hair.” 

In.The.Face.

Kristina and Angela then grill Janelle about her dating life– or lack thereof, as Janelle says she’s focusing all of her energy on herself and doesn’t want to risk a man coming into her life and messing everything up. 

Janelle mentions to her friends that Christine and David have encouraged her to join Farmers Only to find a man and that Christine has stressed the fact that “most men are not as much work as Kody was.” Despite her own terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad marriage to Kody, Janelle says that Kody and Robyn seem “truly happy” together, before insisting the two are “equally yoked” and basically feeding each other’s enormous egos. 

Next we head back to the Mountain Mansion, where Kody is— ringworm be damned!– attempting to de-funk decades-old wrestling mats that were discarded by a local high school years ago. (The Ashley is praying this is for exercise or something and that these mats are not going to be used in Kody and Robyn’s purple bedroom for sexual hijinks.) 

While getting his scrub on, Kody talks to Robyn about the upcoming meetup at Coyote Pass and asks Robyn if she’s excited to see her “old friends” Meri and Janelle.

After laughing at his own comment, Kody says he knows the face-to-face with his exes will be “a bit awkward,” though Robyn says her main concern is that Kody keeps things “peaceful.” 

Kody goes on to tell viewers that the paperwork to sell Coyote Pass took a long time to finalize because everyone couldn’t come to an agreement when it came to reassigning ownership of the lots, resulting in lawyers needing to get involved. Meri claims that Kody is placing the blame on her for slowing down the process, before revealing that at one point, Kody wanted her to sign a confidentiality agreement, which she refused to do. 

In response to this, Kody claims that when they received their first offer on Coyote Pass, Janelle was worried that they would lose the buyer due to the lot division issue not being settled. Kody then says that Janelle was “pushing” him to either comply with all of Meri’s wishes or force the sale of the property.

Kody reveals he nearly made a “backdoor deal” with Janelle to sell the property without Robyn and Meri’s knowledge. (I’m not the only one who upchucked a bit at the mention of ‘Kody’ and ‘backdoor’ in the same sentence, right?) 

Kody claims that Robyn was insisting at the time that she and Kody not “mess [Meri and Janelle] over” in the deal.  

Janelle seemingly confirms Kody’s comment, telling viewers that Kody told her at one point that he could technically sell the property without Robyn or Meri’s consent. Kody goes on to credit Robyn for preventing this “backdoor deal” from happening. 

When asked by producers about the confidentiality agreement she was asked to sign, Meri confirms that doing so would’ve prevented her from talking about the “backdoor deal” that almost happened. Meri then begins to cry about the deception that went on in her former family, calling the whole situation heartbreaking.

The episode concludes at the seemingly cursed Coyote Pass property, where Janelle and Meri are the first to arrive. Before Kody, Robyn and Justin get to the property, Janelle and Meri share a hug and mildly celebrate the fact that they are able to walk away from this “investment” with a piece of the “financial picture,” however small it may be. 

Meri says that while she and Janelle aren’t best friends, she’s glad she had an ally in this whole property situation, with Janelle adding that if they hadn’t fought for what was theirs, Kody absolutely would have could have done them both dirty. 

While waiting for Kody, Robyn and Justin to arrive, Janelle and Meri reach their limit on small talk and decide to return to their respective cars to stay warm/ forgo the need to come up with things to talk about that aren’t how evil Robyn and Kody are.

When Kody and Robyn eventually roll up to the property at their leisure, Robyn immediately clocks that her former sister wives aren’t outside their cars welcoming her and Kody with open arms, which she says is “a message” that Janelle and Meri don’t want to interact. 

Um…YA THINK!?

Instead of Robyn and Kody making the first move, they remain in their car, as do Meri and Janelle, with the latter telling viewers she just wants to get this nonsense over with so that she can return to her hotel, throw on some sweats and watch some TV. 

That’s all for this episode! 

Click here to read The Ashley’s other ‘Sister Wives’ recaps. 

RELATED STORY: Kody Brown Recants the Accountability He Took on ‘Special Forces’ for His Estrangement from His Kids; Now Insists His Ex-Wives Are Partially to Blame

(Photos: TLC)