Howdy, Bachelor fans! The Ashley is just going to come right out and say it: she missed the first part of this week’s episode of ‘The Bachelor.’ I know it’s sacrilegious to miss even a second of the “Hometown Dates” episode but…Forever 21 was having its giant President’s Day sale and…what can I say?! I’m human…creepy…but human. Yes, I could have watched it online but I’m just too lazy to do that.

Although I missed AshLee’s portion of the episode, from what I hear it was basically just 25 minutes of her talking about her abandonment issues and how much she loves Sean, despite the fact that she barely knows him.

She also declares that she and Sean “are in love with each other,” despite the fact that the man didn’t get a word in edge-wise while she was babbling all her new age mumbo-jumbo.

I turned the TV on right as Sean began his date with Catherine so let’s start there. First, he meets up with Catherine and they go to a fish market and throw fish at each other. (As you do.) Then they chew up some gum and use their fish-juice-covered paws to stick it on a bubblegum wall.

Next, it’s time for Sean and Catherine to mosey on over to Catherine’s mom’s house. As soon as Catherine walks through the door, the house is flooded with Justin-Bieber-concert-esque squeals, shreaks and OMGs from Catherine’s sisters. After the girls settle down, Catherine introduces Sean to her mother and her grandmother (who looks about 100, but is actually probably about 175).

Also worthy of a mention is the very strange wooden hanger monument that stands proudly in the corner of the living room. While we never actually get to find out what the hell that thing is (an artistic mural? A bird cage? A giant pile of crap?) it kind of made my day.

Anyway, Catherine’s family really puts poor Sean through the ringer: her sister  makes him do push-ups while she lays on his back. (What? You don’t do that too when you meet your sister’s new boyfriend?) Then Sean has to go outside and chat with Grandmama, who apparently only knows a few words of English, but still manages to hit on Sean. (“Handsome…I take.” Oh, Grandmama!)

While this is all going on, Catherine is discussing her relationship with her new boo with her sisters. They ask her if she’s ready to get married and she tells them that if Sean were to propose she’d “try it out.” Wow. That’s gonna make Sean feel all warm and fuzzy when he watches this episode back. Um, you don’t try out engagements….you try out new shampoos, new air fresheners for your car, etc. but fiances aren’t really something you “try out,” Cat.

Later, Sean decides to sit down with the Giggle Sisters to try to figure out if Catherine’s really as great as she seems. Apparently, the sisters hate Catherine because they completely trash her during their chat with Sean. In a five-minute conversation, they manage to inform Sean that Catherine is 1) dirty 2) a slob 3) moody as hell and 4) too independent for a relationship. But other than that, you know, she’s quite a catch! (I think Desiree or AshLee must have paid these girls off because they were brutal!)

Desperate for answers, Sean goes to talk to Catherine’s mother. He asks if she would give him her blessing to marry Catherine and she tells him to “see what happens with the other girls,” and basically says that any of the other three women would be a better choice than dirty ol’ moody Catherine. Did some guy already pay this family for Catherine’s hand in marriage or something?! Good Lord!

Catherine’s bummed out that her hometown date didn’t go so well, and as she hugs Sean goodbye, I’m pretty sure I saw him slip some Febreeze into her pocket. You know, just in case!

Next, it’s time for Sean to head to Missouri to visit Lyndsey and her family, who live on a military base. I’m very curious to see Lyndsey’s family, mainly because I want to meet the person that told this chick it was a good idea to show up in a damn wedding dress the first night. Whoever’s responsible for that mess deserves to be smacked!

Anyway, because Lyndsey’s dad is in military, the producers have arranged to make this date as military-themed (and gag-inducing) as possible. They stroll through the small town, go to some weird military museum thing and discuss what Sean should call Lyndsey’s dad since he’s a general in the Army. (Who cares what you call the dad; what I want to know is what you’re going to call the ginormous pimple on Lyndsey’s chin! Seriously that thing needs it’s own Hometown Date! Ok…that was mean, but Holy Baby Jesus I just couldn’t stop looking at it!)

Next, it’s time for Sean to suit up in military attire (groooan) and have Lyndsey pretend to be a general and bark “orders” at him. (“Drop and give me 20 kisses!”) Literally, you could offer me a husband, a trip around the world and any amount of money and you couldn’t get me to do this scene. This entire date needs a frying pan to the face. Seriously.

Mercifully, it’s finally time to meet Lyndsey’s parents. Sean and Lyndsey head to a training base, where her parents’ house is located. Sean seems worried that Lyndsey’s father’s going to think he’s a wuss. Um, maybe that plum purple pull-over wasn’t such a great idea after all, Sean.

She takes Sean in for a chat, and General Mom cuts right to the chase and asks Sean if he’s in love with Lyndsey. Of course, Sean worms his way out of answering, telling the mom that he’s contractually not allowed to say not ready to say that to any girl yet.

Next, it’s time for Sean to face General Dad. He references the Army about 50 times in two minutes, and basically tells Sean that if he hurts Lyndsey, he has many guns, a shovel and a whole base to bury his body. But, you know, do what your heart tells you to do. After a while, General Dad and Sean start getting along splendidly and eventually, he gives Sean his blessing to marry Lyndsey, should that ever come up. (Well, she’s already got the wedding dress!)

After a successful date with Lyndsey, Sean flies to Los Angeles, which just happens to be the hometown of the last girl, Desiree. For the date, he has once again busted out those damn pink shorts (Seriously, ABC, take this man shopping!) For their date, Des is taking him hiking. Everyone in LA knows that all the cool kids hike Runyon Canyon, so that’s exactly what Sean and Des do. After cuddling at the top of the canyon for a while (with a perfect view of the Hollywood sign in the background, of course), it’s time to head back to Desiree’s house.

A few minutes after arriving, a guy knocks on Desiree’s door and we assume it’s her brother. All of a sudden he starts wailing about how he loves her and wants to be with her and she needs to dump this “actor” guy and get back together with him. Wait…could it be? Is Desiree in an incestial relationship with her brother (a la Angelina Jolie?!)

Unfortunately/fortunately, that’s not the case. It turns out Des hired this actor to pretend to be her ex-boyfriend, because she wanted to get back at Sean for punking her on their first date. Booooooo.

Soon afterward, Desiree’s parents and brother, Nathan, arrive for dinner. Des is telling them all about her adventures with Sean. The whole time I’m wondering if her parents still live in a tent. (Oh stop! You know you were thinking that too!)

Sean goes outside to chat with Desiree’s father, while Des sits down with her brother. Let me just say that Nate the Brother is quite possibly the smartest person to ever appear on ‘The Bachelor.’ Ever. He tells Des that this whole “reality TV romance” crap is dumb and that the whole thing is just ridiculous and she’ll just get hurt in the end. He adds that if they were to get engaged, he knows that their relationship will be toast before the People cover story comes out!

After dinner, Nate the Brother asks Sean if he can “holla at him” (um?) for a bit and they go outside to talk. Sean says he’s crazy about Desiree, and Nate basically verbally bitch-slaps him and says, “Yeah, you’re crazy about a lot of girls, bro!” In.The.Face.

Nate then tells Sean that he thinks he’s nothing but a playboy, and that pisses Sean off big time. They walk back in the house and make everyone feel incredibly awkward. Desiree’s poor parents are desperately trying to save the conversation, but we know when the dad starts talking about all of California’s “seasons,” Desiree is in major trouble.

Um, ABC— can we please make Nate the next ‘Bachelor?’ I’m going to need to see more of this guy!

The next night is the rose ceremony. Sean is struggling on who to cut loose, and tells Chris Harrison that he’s considering letting either Desiree or Catherine go, due to their crazy-ass families. Sean says he’s worried that he’ll cut the wrong girl and regret it for the rest of his life. Um, this is the ‘Bachelor.’ They’d just bring her rejected ass back the next week and create the “Most.Shocking.Episode.Ever.”

After staring creepily at the girls’ framed portraits for a while, Sean makes his way into the rose ceremony room where the four girls are waiting for him. He tells him that he’s confused, and is going to follow his heart, blah blah blah. Before he can reach for the first flower, Desiree asks him to come outside with her. All of the other girls are freaking out.

Desiree is scared that Sean is going to send her packing because he’s worried that her brother’s going to murder him. She apologizes for the disastrous hometown date, and Sean assures her that everything is fine, and they go back inside.

He hands out the first flowers to Lyndsey and AshLee and, as expected, it comes down to Catherine and Desiree. All of a sudden, Sean puts the last rose down and walks out of the room. (An oblivious camera guy walks right in front of the shot as he does this. Seriously, did they hire film school interns to shoot this season or what?!)

Chris Harrison comes in to offer advice to an obviously confused Sean. He has been doing this job for years and the best advice he can offer is, “Get this right.” Gee, thanks Captain Obvious. What would Sean have done without that precious nugget of wisdom?!

Finally, he goes back in the rose room and gives the last rose to Catherine. He walks Desiree out, and tells her that she has all the qualities he’s looking for in a wife and that he knows he’s making a big mistake by sending her home. That’s it, Sean, just dig that knife in a little deeper.

She literally begs him to not send her home (ugh), but he still shovels her into the Pity Limo. She wails that she doesn’t know what to do with her life. See? Nate the Brother told you that you’d end up crying, broken-hearted in a limo!

Next week, we venture to the exotic land of Thailand where we’ll see monkeys on the beach (!), Fantasy Suites and more broken hearts!

(Photos: ABC)