‘Teen Mom 2’ Episode 1 Recap: Protective Orders & Peeing Out Your IUD

“All y’all girls is nuts!”

Well Juh-nelle (and fellow Teen Mom 2 fans) we’ve made it to Season 4! This season promises to be packed with tons of drug-abusin’, baby-daddy-bangin’, Barb-cacklin’ fun!

Anyway, let’s get right down to it! For some reason, MTV decided to have each girl introduce themselves, as if we haven’t been following these chicks since they had a baby in their teenage body incubators. After hearing Chelsea explain how she became a teen mom, we are brought to the “present” (aka about a year ago).

“I slipped and fell….on Adam’s dingaling…”

Chelsea has been living an Adam-free life lately and things seem to be going well: she’s finally got her damn GED and is about to start beauty school. She invites her pal Laura (wait, where’s Erika?!) to come over for a chat and we know that something’s up. As they casually shovel pizza into their gullets, Chelsea lets it slip that she recently accidentally pissed out her Mirena IUD. (I’ll give y’all a second to do some “self-discovery” to ensure your IUD is still in place and ready to battle any semen demons that come its way.)

She then tells Laura that she celebrated her powerful pee stream by inviting Adam over to have sex. Although it seems like a TERRIBLE IDEA to have sex with someone (especially a douche-goblin like Adam) without birth control, Chelsea assures us that it’s fine because, you know, he “pulled out.” As we all know, that always works. Just ask Aubree.

Teen Mom 2
“Who even knew you could pee out an IUD?!”

Laura is understandably shocked, and Chelsea explains that she just couldn’t help herself and that her loins were quivering for some Adam love. (I mean, who could resist that dirty backwards hat and sliced up T-shirt?) Laura brings up the fact that Chelsea may be pregnant again and Chelsea looks like the thought hadn’t even occurred to her. Um, Chelsea….I think you need to take a lil’ visit to It’s Your Sex Life. Hopefully that will help you learn how the hell babies are made.

Chelsea asks Laura to keep this possible pregnancy scare on “the DL” because she doesn’t want anyone to know. Good thing she didn’t just talk about it on camera. For millions of viewers to see. Oh, wait.

Next we check in with Kail, who since we last saw her has made things official with Javi. She still has no use for Jo‘s girlfriend, Vee. Apparently, Vee’s “friendship letter” didn’t work all that well because just the sight of Vee sets Kail off. In fact, Kail apparently got into a big fight with Jo when she caught Vee hanging out with Isaac. Fists apparently flew and Kail filed a Protection Against Abuse order on Jo.

“Hey MTV, when are you going to hook me up with some cash for all this free advice I give out?”

Anyway, Kail’s trusty friend Mark comes over and Kail starts telling him all about her fight with Jo and Vee. Mark listens as Kail explains that Jo can’t be around Isaac or her until they get this ironed out in court.

Finally, it’s time to check in with The Ashley’s favorite gal, Barbara (oh, and her lil’ “bitch of a daughta, Jenelle). Apparently Jenelle is now dating a Marine named Gary that Babs is just crazy about. (“Ya know I love a man in uniform, Juh-nelle! Sometimes I make Mike put on his janitor uniform from the Wal-Mart before sexy time!”)

And, as with every single episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ ever, Jenelle is once again moving. (Seriously, it’s wouldn’t even make sense to have an episode that didn’t include a Jenelle relocation. I think the North Carolina U-Haul company just sends a truck out every time they hear that MTV is filming Jenelle. I mean, chances are, she’s going to be moving to some new trashpit and it will probably get used.)

“Why the hell haven’t I gotten my own spin-off show by now?”

This episode, she’s moving in with a girl named Allison. How the hell does Jenelle still have any friends? My guess is that they only stick around because they hope that they’ll get invited to Babs’ house for doughboys. Speaking of Babs, it seems that Jenelle is getting along much better with her mother these days and is even hoping that Jace will be able to spend the night at her new place.

Jenelle tells us that it’s been eight months since she’s gotten “High! High!” and that she is now seeing a shrink and going to school. Things may be going well know, but we all know it’s just a matter of time before Jenelle is back to “paaaartyin'” and banging guys with rap sheets longer than Butch Baltierra‘s salt-n-peppa mullet. (A side note: I miss the hell out of Butch. MTV, when are we gonna do a Butch catch-up special?!)

Anyway, Babs and “the baby” go out to lunch with Jenelle, and then head over to check out Jenelle’s new house. I’m kind of disappointed that Babs didn’t open the door to the new place and say “Knock! Knock! It’s ya motha!” like she did when she first entered Jenelle’s last new house.

“I wake up from a nap and the damn couch is in another house! Every time!”

She seems very impressed with the new house and might allow Jace to spend the night there. Jace, on the other hand, just seems tired of going to see his mom’s house of the week.

Finally, we check in with Leah, who since we saw her last has suffered a miscarriage. She had been bleeding and went to the hospital and they confirmed that she had lost the baby. Jeremy is doing his best to make Leah feel better, but she is understandably heartbroken.  She hasn’t told many people that she has miscarried, but her friend Kayla knows and comes over to try to cheer Leah up.

Leah tells Kayla that she plans to go back on her IUD (be careful not to piss it out like Chelsea!) and that she doesn’t think she and Jeremy will try for another baby any time soon. She also admits that she’s still having feelings for Corey, which means she’s probably not ready to marry Jeremy.

Over in South Dakota, we catch up with Adam, who is hanging out with some other local street youths and talking about how Chelsea let him put his dragon in her dungeon and that there will always be “that little thing with your baby momma!” His friends ask him if he’s worried that he’ll impregnate her again and Adam says he’s not worried because, as he so eloquently put it, he “pulled that f*cker out.” Ah, yes. It’s no wonder that Chelsea can’t resist this dreamboat.

The look on his face wasn’t as funny as Junior’s but this will have to do…

Over in Pennsylvania, Jo takes his father and brother out to the diner to explain what happened between him and Kail. He claims that she knocked his hat off and smacked him in the face. Although the story’s not really that funny, the way Jo is telling it really is. He’s breaking things up into “verses,”  and pausing at certain points of the story to put more emphasis on certain point, just like my kindergarten teacher used to do when she would read us a fable.

Anyway, Jo’s dad and brother are shocked by the story (we know this because his brother, Junior, is literally just sitting there with his mouth hanging open the whole time.)

Meanwhile, Kail and Javi are discussing her fight with Jo. Javi is angry that Jo put his hands on her but is smart enough to stay out of it and not go storm over there and get into a brawl with Jo over this. Kail’s nervous what Jo’s going to do when he finds out that she filed a PFA on him.

Through the magic of TV editing, we are taken directly to the moment that Jo finds out. He calls Vee to let her know that Kail’s keeping him from Isaac and Vee is shocked. “Like. OMG. WTF!” she replies. 

I think it was better when they made her wear the wig.

Over at Chelsea’s, it must be “make-your-side-ponytail-look-like-a-mop” day because Chelsea and her hair are looking rough, even by Chelsea standards. The producers should be ashamed of themselves for not telling her to pick up a mirror and a brush before turning on the cameras. Anyway, Chelsea’s depressed about Aubree having to go to daycare. She’s also depressed that she will eventually have to get a job once she finishes school. Her friend Laura just stares at her and then tells her that getting a job is what adults do.

Meanwhile, Jenelle’s frying up a big pan of some sort of “Helper” at her new place when her pal Tori comes by to let her know that Kieffer has been sprung from whatever correctional facility he’s been rotting in for the past few months. Jenelle tells Tori that she’s confident that she won’t fall back under Kieffer’s crusty spell because she’s happy with Gary. We’ll see about that– we all know that Jenelle can’t resist Kieffer’s potent fragrance of mildew and marijuana.

In West Virginia, Leah decides to have a talk with Jeremy, telling him that she thinks they are moving too fast (um, ya think!?) She tells him that she knows she likes to make rushed decisions and that it’s best that they slow down a bit and maybe put the wedding plans on hold for a while.

Teen Mom 2
“Sure I’m engaged, but it’s nothing serious!”

Later, it’s time for her to go exchange the twins with Corey. Things get all awkward when Corey asks about her pregnancy and Leah has to tell him that she lost the baby. Corey manages to utter a “sorry” and then admits that he has broken things off with his girlfriend. This, of course, means that they are both single (except for Leah’s engagement, of course) and not pregnant, which means that there’s still a chance they could try again.

Leah says that she needs to know if Corey has any plans for them to get back together because if not she’s going to move on. He brings up the fact that, as an engaged woman, she kind of already has. Leah doesn’t know what to say so she sits in her car and cries.

Until next week, Internet pals! If you want to read the recap for the Season 3 finale, click here

And since I didn’t do a recap for the Season 3 Reunion with Docta Drew, I’ll go ahead and just post the best part of the whole damn thing below:

You’re welcome.

(Photos: MTV)

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