‘Counting On’ Season 5 Episode 1 Recap: Humping & Hang Gliding in the Swiss Alps

“Is that your ski pole or are you just happy to see me?”

The wait is finally over! The Duggars have returned to catch us all up on what’s been happening in their lives since we last saw them. (Spoiler alert: it’s basically courtships, trips to the thrift store and blessing-making.)

Throw on your denim skirt and start scrunch-curling your hair because it’s time to dig in!

We start off with a huge chunk of footage regurgitation, as per usual. We get to watch a run-down of Joy and Austin’s wedding again.

Of course, this is the third time we’ve seen this crap, given that we watched them get hitched, and then went back and watched them plan the wedding and get hitched again. Now we have to sit through footage of their hay-filled ceremony yet again. This time, however, Joy and Austin are already married so they suck face every once in a while as they talk about their wedding.

The first “new” footage starts in the couple’s “Honeymoon Suite.” Joy and Austin are fresh off a night of first-time attempted blessing-making (i.e. they humped).

“Are you absolutely sure THAT was supposed to go into THERE?”

Now that the wedding night is out of the way, Joy and Austin are preparing to leave for their honeymoon in Switzerland. Before they can head out, though, they have to hit the books for a few minutes, taking turns reading Bible verses together.

Once they’ve completed Bible study (and hosed off their private parts from the night of awkward love-making), they head off to the airport. The trip to Switzerland is long, with several plane rides involved, but now that Joy and Austin are allowed to touch knees, it will make for a much more fun traveling experience.

Did anyone else watch this scene and think it’s weird we got to see the bed that Joy and Austin were defiled on? Just me? OK…

Joy and Austin discuss how exciting it is that they are finally able to be alone together, and no longer have to worry about bringing a Duggar kid with them on their dates and/or having ol’ Jim Bob saddle up between them with a ruler to ensure there’s proper distance between their torsos during side hugs. Now they are free to do whatever they want. (Hell, they can even hump on the mini golf course a la Joy’s parents if they so desire!)

It’s just Joy and Austin….and a team of producers…and a camera crew…and security.

We finally arrive in Geneva, Switzerland, and Joy and Austin are starving from all the traveling (not to mention several attempts at being fruitful and multiplying), so they head to a local restaurant for some authentic Swiss cuisine.

Joy says they ordered the traditional cheese fondue and also the meat fondue.

“When it comes to meat, I’m partial to sausage…right, Austin?”

Anyway, Joy and Austin drink some sparkling water and act like they have no idea what it is. They are completely mystified that carbonated water exists. Joy looks terrified, almost as if she isn’t sure if she just guzzled down some sort of Satan-water or even— gasp! — an alcoholic beverage.

Luckily, one of the crew members or someone must have explained to the couple that it’s just carbonated water.

“This tastes like sin to me!”

Both Joy and Austin are showing off their ample home-schooling “smarts” in this scene.

“When you’re, like, expecting water, like regular, and then you drink this, it’s a let-down,” they tell the cameras.

Are we SERIOUSLY sitting here watching these knuckleheads talk about WATER?! I’m embarrassed for everyone involved.

Joy and Austin have no idea what fondue is, so they watch another couple as they eat it to learn that it’s basically just a pot of cheese that you dip junk into.

“I’ll bet you can guess what I want for dessert…”

As Joy explains that this fondue adventure may be over her head, Austin is busy taking Fondue Selfies as he chews some bread. Hot.

The waiter is doing his best to help these American nitwits. He explains how to do the fondue (“You mix, you dip, you eat”) but Joy and Austin are still struggling with the concept. Where’s a tray of Tater Tot Casserole when you need it, y’all!?

“I don’t get it…”

The house band at the restaurant brings Joy up and she yodels (as you do). We are then treated to having to watch a bunch of the Duggar kids attempt to yodel. Jedidiah refuses to play along and gives us some random insight into his life.

“I’m not a yodeler,” he tells us, “just like I’m not a rapper.”

Wait…what? Hold the phones! Jed isn’t some sort of fundie rap superstar? Well, slap my ass and call me Judy! I’m shocked!

We then head back to Arkansas (and back in time, again) to remember the moment that Joe proposed to Kendra at Joy and Austin’s wedding. Even though we’ve already watched Joe and Kendra’s wedding, this is ‘Counting On’ so we are going to be forced to sit through all their wedding prep PLUS their wedding episode again.

Right now, Kendra and Joe are still engaged and are attempting to take sexy engagement photos…without touching any part of their beloved’s body that would be covered by a Wholesome Wear swim smock.

This is basically fornication in Fundie Land…

Kendra’s sister Lauren is right in there, chaperoning to ensure the couple keeps it clean. Joe and Kendra ask Lauren’s opinion if it’s OK for Joe to touch Kendra’s waist for a photo. The group decides that’s a bit too scandalous for a couple about to get married, and opt not to do it.

Having constant chaperoning is a good thing, Kendra tells us, because getting that engagement ring on her finger has stirred up all kinds of naughty desires in her. This girl’s loins are on fire, y’all, and she’s dying for some Duggar dude lovin’!

“I feel a tingle in my lady garden!”

We then head back to Switzerland, where Joy and Austin are taking a cooking class, which seems to be a requirement on all Duggar kid honeymoons. (Who could forget Jinger and Jeremy practically pelvis-thrusting while cooking shrimp in Australia?)

The entire scene is so boring it’s right up there with the time we spent 12 minutes watching Joy and Jenny pick out new glasses. We’re just going to move right along…

If watching Joy and Austin make chocolate didn’t put you to sleep, the next scene definitely will. In what is basically television Ambien, we watch Jinger and Jeremy play tennis. That’s legit all they do. We watch them hit the ball back and forth. They even try to do some fancy camera work, filming from POV angles and even using slow-motion but it’s more boring than watching footage of Jim Bob schlaquing his wig.

Call me when Jeremy’s dry-humping Jing on the court and I’ll come out of my television-induced slumber.

“Welcome to the sunlight, kneecaps and lower thighs!”

(The only noteworthy thing to come out of this scene is that Jinger appears on-camera wearing a tank top and a mini tennis skirt—a MINI SKIRT, y’all! Get it, girl!)

With all the sports-talk happening, a producer asks some of the Duggar kids what “seed” they are in the Duggar family. The kids all stare at the producer like he just suggested they wear a bikini at the beach! Once again, they all show off their home-schooling “smarts” while answering the question.

“Huh?” Joy asks.

“Wait….like a vegetable garden seed? I’d be a watermelon,” Jessa says.

“The seed of Jim Bob and Michelle,” Jedidiah says, as he and Jeremiah then proceed to grunt-laugh like Beavis and Butthead for a minute.

“Seeds are cool…and stuff… huh huh huh huh.”

Jana, of course, is the only one who understands what the hell she’s being asked. She replies that she would be Seed No. 2 in the Duggar family, because she was the second-born child.

In Switzerland, Joy and Austin are making the most of their TLC-funded honeymoon and going hang-gliding! While it seems pretty scandalous for Joy to agree to be strapped to the back of some Swiss dude, (touching torsos!), it must be done to go hang-gliding.

“I wouldn’t mind having that big ol’ Swiss hunk strapped to me…just sayin’!”

Austin helps the Swiss guys assemble the hang-gliders, priding himself on being a pilot and knowing about all things aerospace. He and Joy then discuss their possible death-by-hang-glide, which is always fun. Soon, they’re strapping up and getting ready to run off the cliff.

Joy admits she’s a little nervous.

“Everybody who is doing it for the first time is nervous,” the hang-glide instructor says.

Hey, bro, where were you on Joy’s wedding night? She could have used that kind of encouragement!

“Don’t touch my knees!”

The hang-gliding adventure goes swimmingly. (No Duggars were squished like grapes into the Swiss Alps.) Next, Joy and Austin decide to try their hands at skiing. They have to take a train ride up a mountain to get to the slopes, and both Joy and Austin are noticing that there is no snow on the ground as they go up.

“Maybe skiing here is totally different,” Austin suggests. “Maybe they ski on, like, rocks?”

Rocks. Rocks for brains, the whole lot of them.

“‘Member that time I let you see my shoulder blades? That was HOT!”

Luckily, Austin and Joy will not have to ski over jagged boulders and whatnot. They find snow at the top of the mountain, and suit up to get their ski on. Austin helps Joy put on her ski boots and as she yelps that they are too tight, Austin keeps tightening them, telling his bride that he knows best. He has, after all, skied one time, 16 years ago.

Joy keeps the boots tight, risking reduced circulation and possible gangrene and whatnot to please her husband. She wails that she can barely walk. (However, that may be the result of some honeymoon romancing and not the fault of the too-tight ski boots.)

“Great…now my no-no’s AND my feet hurt.”

Thankfully, Joy is wearing ski pants and did not attempt to wear a ridiculous skirt over the pants, like her sister-in-law Kendra did a while back. Surely Joy and Austin will have to put in an extra hour of Bible study that night in order to help Joy repent for her sinful pants-wearing ways.

Anyway, Austin and Joy forgot to hire a ski instructor, so they have no clue what they’re doing. They are reassured when they see other skiers coming down the hill.

“I told Joy, ‘Other people have done this and did not die so we can probably do the same thing,’” Austin says.

Why do I get the feeling that was exactly what he said to Joy as soon as they hit the sheets in their Honeymoon Suite?

“Baby, even the Alps can’t compare to the beauty of your exposed knee!”

Austin and Joy do the best they can, and eventually are able to get up on their skis and make it down the mountain. They set the footage of them skiing to some cheesy music so it looks like we’re watching a 1990s Chapstick commercial or something.

As soon as they are done skiing, Joy strips off her ski boots, telling the producer they were so uncomfortable (because Austin made them so tight!)

Austin jokes about Joy being barefoot.

“You can take the girl out of Arkansas but you can’t take the Arkansas out of the girl!” he says.

Well, Joy is barefoot…and we all know what comes after that when you’re a married Duggar girl! Stay tuned!

(Photos: TLC)

32 Comments

  1. Joy and Austin are practically children and it’s scary to think that they are now parents.


  2. I was never EVER going to watch this (I enjoy the Ashley’s recaps but I’m not about to endure 45 minutes of them)… And then I saw that they were coming to GENEVA!!!! And that’s where I’m from. We usually make fun of dumb tourists but these guys…. they took it to a whole other level… I had so much fun watching these ignorant twats honeymooning (!?!) in my country… hilarious 😉


    1. No, the confusion on that stemmed from their online wedding registry that used an October date as a placeholder, but they were clear that the date was ONLY a placeholder until they had settled on an actual date. There were never any plans for an October wedding.


  3. I like how Jinger and Jeremy made smart financial moves before getting pregnant. Jeremy had his own place and they enjoyed being married. They bought a house before getting pregnant. Jill was given a house by daddy. Jessa was given Jill’s house (which was still from Jim bob), Joy got pregnant while living in a rv, and I’m assuming joe and Kendra live in another Jim bob property. None of these couples, besides jinger, have some independence from family before getting knocked up. I like to think in my head jing and Jeremy were being smart and not just having fertility problems haha


    1. Thank you! I was getting tired of all the talk about Jeremy and Jinger having fertility problems. They were just being smart, and waiting until they were stable. I think it’s great that they have their own house, and that they don’t have to rely on Jim Bob. The only thing is, I didn’t appreciate all the comments about nurseries when they moved into the house. That’s all the rest of the family thinks about.


  4. She was horrified when she drank the carbonated water bc she thought it might be alcoholic and thus would kill her 3DPO Baby immediatley.


  5. That’s because they ARE children! These two are a couple of air heads.. Also, I love Jeremy and Jinger..


  6. So, according to how soon she gave birth, she was already pregnant doing all of this. WOW.

    OMG, he will touch her waist and get a boner, NO! Man, are these people really THAT sheltered that they don’t feel comfortable doing normal things?! (It is a rhetorical question, folks) Really makes you wonder how many of them would actually marry if they were allowed to do everything and not have all those rules.

    ALWAYS SUPPORTING JINGER BREAKING THE RULES!!


      1. If she was already pregnant when they moved the wedding date, she would of given birth a couple months earlier than she did. You don’t find out you are pregnant till you are at least a month. She literally gave birth 40 weeks and a couple days after her wedding, meaning she got pregnant the week of her wedding.

        Usually women plan their weddings when they don’t have their period. That makes them in the ovulation stage. Joy clearly comes from a fertile family, it’s not a surprise she got pregnant immediately.


      2. It was actually probably a few weeks after the wedding. Pregnancy is calculated 40 weeks from your last menstrual cycle, even though you don’t ovulate for an average of 14 days after that. You can be retroactively two weeks pregnant before you’ve even had sex. If you time a pregnancy from the date of ovulation or conception, rather than LMC, a pregnancy only lasts 38 weeks, not 40. Joy’s math suggests that she started her period sometime a week or so after her wedding, and then conceived during that cycle about two weeks later.


  7. Remember on Jing and Jer’s honeymoon where they gave us a video update and Jing had JBF hair?! #classic


    1. LOL her hair was literally the best thing to ever come out of a dumb dugger update video. She tried to fix it up in the front but then had to do the “mandatory stare adoringly at your husband as he talks look” and as soon as she turned her head… boom! Ah classic.


    1. I would be willing to never read another counting on or sister wives recap if I could just get some Teen Mom recaps instead.

      Counting on is SOOOOOOOO boring. The Ashley is trying with these counting on recaps, and I bet a lot of writing and editing and picture captioning and thought goes into them, but it must be incredibly difficult to recap a show that is so banging-head-against-the-wall boring.


    2. Yes why put so much effort into these recaps for 14 comments, 4 of which are asking for TM recaps! Give the people what they want please!!! #bringbacktmrecaps

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