The Cabbage Patch Kid's Secret Weapon: Latter Day Saints

american idol
"I will cut you!"

Tonight’s American Idol sent the adorable Didi Benami packing, giving men across America no reason to watch the show anymore (“No honey, I only watch her perform because she’s so talented. It has nothing to do with her blonde hair and long legs.”)

I was sad to see Didi go, because she offered a different type of artist and I think she was really good. Obviously, the judges don’t share my sentiments for the most part, and last night, neither did America.

It also means that the Cabbage Patch Kid has claimed his next victim.

Tim Urban, with his mediocre voice, lukewarm looks and ability to go a full three minutes without blinking, took out Didi in a Bottom 2 showdown. (Katie Whats-Her-Face  rounded out the Bottom 3 but was sent back to safety.)

Tonight’s Idol left me with two questions: one, how the hell is Tim Urban still in this competition? Two, why the hell was Ryan Seacrest being such a little twerp this week?

Well, there’s no answer to that second question, but I can tell you the reason Tim Urban is still on American Idol. In fact, I can sum it up for you in three letters: L-D-S.

That stands for Latter Day Saints for anyone who didn’t grow up around the religion. Latter Day Saints, you know, like Mormons. Those Mormons sure do like their American Idol and more importantly, they actually vote. Do you think it was pure talent that kept Carmen Rasmusen of Season 2  or John Peter Lewis of Season 3 on the show as long as they were? Nope, I’ll tell you what it was. A lot of little Mormon girls with a phone in one hand and a [non-caffeinated ] 7-Up in the other.

american idol
"It hurts worse when it's a Cabbage Patch that kills your dream."

Other Mormons contestants, such as David Archuleta and Brooke White (I heart her) had true talent, and the fact that they were LDS just helped them along.

Sure, Tim hasn’t come right out and said that he was a Mormon (I don’t think he has anyway?) But dropping some subtle hints, like mentioning that he has like 1,000 brothers and sisters and that his whole family prays before he performs, probably make most people guess this. Why hasn’t he come out and said if he is or isn’t? Even the possibility of him being a potential Mormon gives him a leg up!

Just so I don’t get any whiny comments about me hating Mormons or anything let me just say this: I don’t care if Tim is Mormon, Catholic or a Satan worshipper. He pretty much sucks. He belongs singing around a campfire at a church retreat, not on American Idol, the biggest show in the United States. Send him back to The Cabbage Patch where he belongs! (And take Katie Stevens with you.)

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