The Cabbage Patch Kid Takes 2 More Victims! So Long Andrew & Katie

American Idol
"Even I want to know how the hell I got this far!"

After last week’s “dramatic” non-elimination of Michael Lynche on American Idol, all the contestants were surely breathing a sigh of relief that they were safe. That is until they realized that two people would be leaving next week, which means they had a little over a 1/4 chance of being sent home and into oblivion.

So I have to ask the question that everyone else is wondering: how the hell did Tim Urban (aka The Cabbage Patch Kid) escape Wednesday’s double elimination? Jesus H. Christ, two people were being cut– how did he not even come close to leaving? After Cabbage scampered back to safety, the ax was lowered on two of the contestants: Andrew and Katie, both of which we won’t miss anyway (except for Lee who looked like he was about to cry when it was announced that Andrew was leaving.)

american idol
Cabbage Patch's latest victims, sorry guys, but you were no match for a Mormon with a bad voice and a freckly face.

Clearly, Andrew had played out his 15 minutes of fame on Idol and was nearing his expiration date. After peaking with his Paula Abdul cover in Hollywood Week, he was relentless badgered by the judges to “make it sound as good as that ‘Straight Up’ cover.” Finally, I think everyone realized that the great performance was just a fluke and that Andrew really had more hoopla than he deserved. (As they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.)

For his last week on the show, Andrew took one of Elvis Presley‘s most sexual-driven and swagger-filled songs, “Hound Dog” and performed it like Elvis on Ambien. His slowed-down, endlessly dragging version had the sexiness of Santa Claus.

Katie, on the other hand, did pretty good. Props to her for picking an Elvis song that even most die-hard Elvis fans don’t know. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter how well she did because she is just unlikeable. She never did anything to me and she has a good voice, but she just annoys me. And I’m not alone; every time she was performing and someone would walk into the room, the first thing that they would say is “that girl bugs me.” No reason, she just does. Needs…to..go.

But I would have gladly listened to another Andrew snooze-fest and looked at Katie’s smug mug for another week just to have Tim gone. True, he did perform a very pretty version of “Can’t Help Falling in Love,” (did I call that or what?!) but he needs to go. His Mormon following has the potential to screw  up the entire competition and cause Crystal to lose.

ryan seacrest
"Hey Linds, mind if I borrow another cup of 'sugar' tonight?"

Lastly, I must ask: what the hell  was Ryan Seacrest on last night (because I want some!)? From his constant stammering (the guy hosts like 1,000 different shows a day, you’d think he could do it in his sleep), to his slow-dancing with a guy (cough, cough) during Tim’s performance, to his very ill-timed and awkward joke about Brian Dunkleman, it was fairly obvious that Ryan had been snorting the Lindsay Lohan crazy dust prior to showtime that night.

Sigh…there’s no hope with dope, Ryan.

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