Dear Tim Urban,

American Idol
"Ok..ok...I'll do it."

Ok, kid, I don’t know how you’ve done it the last um….12 weeks or so but you’ve managed to keep yourself in the game. It’s over tonight, little Cabbage Patch Kid. You’re done. There’s no more fat to trim and your jig is up. I, like many other viewers, didn’t think you had a prayer of even making the Top 24, let alone the Top 12. Lilly Scott was sacrificed in your honor, as was the adorable Todderick (Toddy) Hall. Well, here we are at the Top 7 for Christ’s sakes and you’re still here.

I’m on to your tricks. Do I think it’s a coincidence that you mentioned that you have like 12 brothers and sisters? No. Do I think it’s a coincidence that you chose to sing “Hallelujah” to get yourself into the Top 12? No. Your ties to the Mormon Church can’t save you forever. It has to end sometime!

I’ve got to know how the hell you’ve managed to escape elimination, and in some cases, the Bottom Three for all these weeks? As this guy says “Every second that Tim Urban stays on American Idol feels like an eternity of being kicked in the balls.” I couldn’t agree more. Even though I don’t actually have balls and don’t know how that feels, hearing you sing is the most painful thing I have to compare to it.

Here’s the plan, Tim. Tonight is the crappy “Idol Gives Back” night. No one will be really watching it anyway. Sure, they’ll have it on, but you know they’re going to be folding laundry, doing homework or taking a crap while you guys are singing. This is your chance to go out with a bang!

When all the hoopla and charity crap is over and it’s time for elimination,  Ryan is going to say “dim the lights.” That’s when you need to just stand up and admit that even you know you suck and walk off the stage. Give it up. Last night was bad. Really bad. Like Kevin Covias bad.

You keep cutting down the dreams of people who are more talented than you. Didi Benami…better than you. Katie Stevens…better than you (that still doesn’t mean I like her though). Haven’t you realized that you are this season’s Sanjaya— the herpes people just can’t get rid of?

If I have to hear your Osmond Brothers-esque monotone voice or see your freckly Cabbage Patch face one more time, I’ll scream.

Give it up, Tim. You had a nice run. If you quit now, you can still sign up to be a church camp counselor this summer.


The Ashley

american idol
What every fashionable Mormon girl will be wearing tonight!
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