The Bachelor Episode 5: "Vegas, Baby!" (Groan)

 

The Ashley would first personally like to thank Brad and all the Bachelorettes for not uttering the phrase “It’s Vegas, Baby!”  even once during the entire Vegas episode. I didn’t think it was physically possible to take a group of 20-something girls to Vegas and not have at least one overuse that phrase again and again. Thank you.

Anyway, our episode starts back at the Bachelor mansion. It’s casual time (hence the PJ pants and Ugg boots. Why is that always the ‘casual’ uniform of these chicks?) Chris Harrison comes in and gets right to the point, telling the girls that there will be one group date, a one-on-one and…(the dreaded) two on one date! (Two girls leave, only one girl comes back…gulp!)

He also tells them that everything is about to change and that they will be leaving on an exotic journey to far away lands. The first stop? Um…Las Vegas. Oh. Was Catalina booked for the weekend?

The girls all board the plane (can you imagine being seated next to these creepnuggets? OH.MY.GOD. I’d rather sit next to a sweaty fat guy that lops over onto my seat.)

“Sucks for you ladies…I got it all to myself.”

Once they arrive in Sin City (with enough luggage to cloth the entire state of Florida, mind you), they learn that they will be staying at the Aria hotel. They squeal and it’s basically just a big chorus of “oh my Gods” for like five minutes. They are led to the Sky Suite, which is freaking huge. However, there are 11 girls sharing that suite. Last season, they put Ali up in the exact same suite all by herself. She actually just posted a photo of her in that suite onto her Facebook page. (See photo.)

Brad leaves the date card for Funeral Shawntel, and it reads “Let’s end tonight with a bang.” That’s a little forward there, isn’t it Brad? At least give her the rose before you make her bang you, Jeez.

The first stop on the bang-a-licous date is the mall. Brad tells Shawntel that they will be going on a shopping spree and she can buy anything she wants. This is good because Shawntel is currently dressed like Kelly Kapowski from “Saved by the Bell,” wearing a neon pink one-shoulder cut-off shirt. Seriously? Who lied to you? Brad and Shawntel try on a bunch of crap and she keeps throwing things on the purchase pile.

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Let’s hope she bought some pants.

She tells us that “Brad makes me feel so beautiful.” Um..that’s not Brad, honey..you feel beautiful because you’re wearing a Fendi dress that costs $3 billion dollars.

Back at the Suite, a rough-looking Michelle is explaining why she is going to be Brad’s wife when Shawntel walks in, carrying all of her shopping bags. (One of those shopping bags probably cost more than my entire wardrobe.)

Shawntel shows off some of her loot and Michelle looks at one of the high heels that Shawntel got and seriously looks like she’s about to jam the stiletto heel into Shawtel’s eye!

(I hate Michelle, but in all honesty I feel for the girl. She had to scale down a freaking building to get a crappy dinner, while Shawntel got a designer shopping spree for her date. That sucks.)

Anyway, Shawntel pulls out a hideously horrible purse and reveals that it costs…wait for it…$5,000!!! All I’m going to say is that there better have been $4,999 in cash in that purse for it to have cost that much. I’ve seen better purses at the Dollar Tree. Seriously.

Shawntel dashes upstairs to get ready for her date. When she reappears and leaves with Brad, all of the other girls are literally shooting hate darts through her skull.

“I’m dreaming about draining your blood…”

They go to the hotel roof for dinner. (Of course. What’s with all the fucking rooftop dates this season? Did they buy them in bulk?)

Shawntel discusses her job as an embalmer. Luckily, Brad is too stupid to really even know what that is so it doesn’t creep him out that much. After that, it’s time for the promised “bang.” But to our dismay, Brad didn’t mean he was going to have unprotected sex with Shawntel…it’s actually fireworks. Wrong kind of bang. Bummer.

Brad picks Shawntel up and kisses her. (We also get to see that she’s traded her super expensive Prada heels for dirty ass flip flops.)

The next day, the girls find out that it’s the two Ashleys that will be going on the two-on-one date. They both cry. Chantel cries. Emily cries. Everyone cries. I’m going to cry because my life is so pathetic.

It turns out the Ashleys are best friends. (In fact, Chris Harrison reveals on his blog that the girls actually went out in Vegas and got matching rose tattoos!)

It’s time for the group date…which we find out is being held at the Las Vegas Racetrack. All I’m going to say is that the producers of the Bachelor are dicks. Seriously? Emily does her best to put on a brave face, despite the fact that her late fiance was a race car driver. (And the son of the owner of NASCAR. You can read all about him here.)

Like with so many other things, Brad has no idea about this. Brad notices that something is wrong with her, even though she’s trying to act like she’s fine. (Kudos to Emily on this. She acted like an adult, instead of a whiny attention hogging teenager, which she very well could have done. Most of those girls totally would have been trying to get attention due to the situation, but not Emily. I love her!)

Smooth move, Grace.

Brad pulls Emily aside and she tells him that her ex-fiance crashed AT.THIS.FREAKING.RACETRACK. and was injured enough to end his career. She is still smiling and trying to be positive, but we can see being there is really bothering her. Then they tell her it’s her turn to drive the freaking racecar. She cries a little but does it. You can tell she really is as sweet as we think she is because all of the girls are cheering for her and seem to care about her….until later that is.

Afterwards, it’s off to an afterparty at a pool (how original). Brad pulls Emily aside and the creepy big teeth girl (Ali? Alicia? Amber?) is all pissed off that Emily is getting so much extra attention. “We all have bad stuff happen and we all have stories” she says. What a bitch.

Anyway, during their talk, Brad tells Emily that he doesn’t want to try to replace her ex-fiance. Emily is worried that Brad isn’t man enough to handle her life. (Um..she’s probably right.)

Later, Teeth Girl finally gets her alone time and wastes it by crying that she doesn’t feel special because he likes Emily more. Of course he does. She’s way hotter and classier than you. Get over it honey. There’s no way you’re leaving here with a ring on your finger. No.Way. Then Chantel O. comes over and cries. I think she tells Brad that she’s in love with him. Hit the brakes! Call the therapist! She said the “L” word! Brad is noticeably shaken. He comes back to the group, defeated by all of the estrogen, so Michelle steals him and lays a level of crazy on him.

Then he calls Emily over again and gives her the rose. Intheface, Teeth Girl.

I’ve got to speed this up…

The next day is the two-on-one Ashley date. They go to the Viva Elvis Cirque du Soleil show. (The Ashley is going in March!) We learn that one of the Ashleys will perform with Brad in the show, while the other will get the boot. They both learn the routine and it’s starting to feel a lot like last season’s Bachelorette‘s Lion King-a-polooza. Gag.

“You’re out of here Ashley S! He’s mine!” “Wait…but we’re BFF..we got matching tattoos?!”

It’s time for the last supper. Brad tells the girls that they will have to mud wrestle for the rose. No, just kidding. He gives it to Ashley H. Ashley S. is devastated. Seriously devastated. She’s bawling and screeching that she’s going to be alone forever. Wow. It’s just Brad, honey, relax. Besides, she’s like 23. It’s not like she’s being sent to the Old Maid Home or the Cat Lady Cottage or something.

While Ashley S. is shown crying in the limo alone, Ashley H. performs to “Are You Lonesome Tonight” with Brad. How freaking nauseating.

Brad is getting very nervous being around all of these crying women so he calls his therapist. I fast-forwarded through this part, sorry.

It’s FINALLY time for the damn cocktail party and the girls are still upset about Emily getting so much attention. Brad decides to do some damage control and first brings Teeth Girl a green cupcake. She’s stoked. Better put that cupcake in a to-go box, honey, because you’ll be gone within the next episode or so!

Marissa (who?) gives Brad a stack of creepy letters. Too bad she’s totally going home.

Michelle takes the opportunity to corner Brad in a room and threaten him. She gets totally “Fatal Attraction” on him and forces him to kiss her. I’m sure he only did it because he was afraid she would strangle him with his own necktie.

During the rose ceremony, Brad gives Michelle the first rose (probably because he’s worried she is going to boil his bunny). I’ll save you the suspense: Marissa and Lisa go home. Who the fuck are these people? Apparently, they were both in love with Brad. Too bad they never even talked to him. At least you got a free trip to Vegas, girls.

He chose Chantel O. last to put her in her place. She cries.

We should all be crying because we wasted two hours of our lives on this crap. I love it though!

(Photo: ABC)

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