Teen Mom 2 Episode Recap: Hickeys & Moving Vans

This photo cracks me up!!!

Last night’s episode of Teen Mom 2 was slightly less boring than last week’s snoozefest, mostly due to the introduction of a new trainwreck.

Let’s start with Jenelle’s storyline, since she’s the most interesting.

Last week, Jenelle was starting to see the errors of her ways and promised her mom (the screeching-voiced Barbara) that she would start going to school, start taking care of her spawn and would try to be less white trash. Her mom let her move back in, (but still kept a stronghold on Baby Jace) and Jenelle seemed to be heading down the right track.

Well, that lasted roughly three weeks. (We know last week’s episode was filmed on 4th of July. Kailyn’s school counselor said that she needed to make a school payment by mid-August, so we can assume it’s probably the beginning of August when this was filmed.)

“Being good” has clearly been exhausting for our lil’ White Trash Reese Witherspoon, and she’s ready to let off some steam. Luckily, some of her guy friends are having a poker game so Jenelle and her skanky-looking friend go over to see what trouble they can get into while Barbara watches Jace.

Eat your heart out ladies...the line forms right here.
Eat your heart out ladies…the line forms right here.

That’s when we see him, sitting there looking like he hasn’t showered in over a week. We find out that his name is Keiffer and he is immediately drawn to Jenelle. (I loved how he directed questions only at Jenelle, completely ignoring the friend that was standing right next to her. Nice.) Jenelle tells him about herself, adding that she’s about to start college.

He then busts out the best pickup line ever: “I didn’t finish high school, but I’m still sexy.” Naturally, that line seems to send Jenelle’s teenaged loins into a quiver.

He also tells her, “You’re way outta my league and stuff.” (Or something like that.) Wow…Jenelle’s too good for you? That’s not saying much for you, dude.

Despite the fact that Jenelle has to babysit her child early the next day, she decides the best thing to do is to stay out all night and let Creepy Keiffer suck her neck for the remainder of the evening.

"I'll get you my pretty...and your lil' pot smokin' boyfriend, too!"
“I’ll get you my pretty…and your lil’ pot smokin’ boyfriend, too!”

The next morning, she walks through the door and Barbara is livid, especially once she sees Jenelle’s hickey-filled neck. She tells Jace that his mother is a bad, bad girl and tells Jenelle that she is not leaving the baby with her today because Jenelle is hung over.

Jenelle argues back: “I’m NOT hung over. I just have a headache and I’m tired and I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

This was possibly the best line ever uttered on television.

Barbara yells that this new guy better not be a pothead and leaves. Don’t worry Barbara, pot is just a gateway drug. I’m sure this guy is doing way heavier drugs by now.

“Hey mom, what rock did you find this guy under?”

Later, Jenelle brings Keiffer over to meet her mother and Jace. Jace is looking through the window and sees them coming up the walkway and runs away. Yeah, kid, I don’t blame you. If I saw that motley crew coming to my door, I’d run too.

Barbara does her best to resist rolling her eyes throughout the conversation. She asks him if he’s from here, and he keeps the classic lines coming, tell her, “I came down here with a bag of clothes and walked here from South Myrtle Beach.” Clearly he hasn’t washed any of those clothes since then.

She then asks him if he has a job.

“Technically I’m laid off right now … but I know how to do so many things, it’s easy to find a job.”

Um…then why don’t you?

Jenelle pipes in to say that he took two cooking classes once.

“I can get a job at any restaurant I want.”

Um…then why DON’T you?

He ends with another classic line. “I’ve pretty much got it all figured out.”


Jenelle begins to see a lot of the Keif-ster as they go on more dates. (Jenelle’s driving because he doesn’t have a car, naturally.) Just a side note: this is the boyfriend that will eventually sell her out to gossip magazines. (Click here to read about that!)

I can’t wait to see what hilarious scenes this guy will bring to ‘Teen Mom 2’!

“Hey sis, we are gonna totally rock this double-wide!” (This photo is actually pretty cute.)

Moving onto Leah, things are going so well that she and Corey have decided to take the next step and move into a double-wide together. (No, seriously. This is West Virginia so we shouldn’t be that surprised.) They sign the lease, despite the fact that they’ve only been back together for a few weeks.

Moving on… (I can’t decide who to talk about next. Chelsea and Kailyn‘s segments were both equally boring.)

Let’s talk about Chelsea. Despite the fact that she was told last week that she had to hurry up and finish high school so that she could start beauty school, she’s totally slacking in her studies. (Chelsea, you seriously need to get to beauty school…you must do something about that nasty two-toned hair of yours!)

Since her and baby-daddy Adam have recently reconciled, Chelsea decides that it would best if Adam moves in and mooches off of her dad for awhile. (Remember, Chelsea’s dad is not only paying for the entire house and all of their bills, but he also hates Adam, with good reason, because of how crappy he was to Chelsea.)

Chelsea has forgotten all of the horrible things he said to her, because she’s totally for Adam moving into their house, despite the fact that her roommate doesn’t like him either. Now, I know the roommate is getting a pretty sweet deal, not having to pay any bills to live on her own, but seriously this was a dick move on Chelsea’s part. She totally didn’t care how her moving in her mooch of a boyfriend would effect anyone else but herself.

She decides it’s best if she doesn’t tell her dad that Adam is going to be living at her house. Surely, he won’t notice the heaps of wife beater tank tops and boy’s toiletries that will be strewn around the house. Sigh! This chick deserves what she gets.

Lastly, we move to Kailyn. Seriously, this girl always has a sad look on her face. True, if I was living in my ex-boyfriend’s basement and had her methed-out mom for my mother, I’d be sad too. But it would be nice to see her smile once in awhile and not have that robotic, monotone voice.

Kailyn is trying to pull herself up and go to college; however with no money and an infant son, she’s finding it difficult to make the tuition payments. She asks her mom to help, but momma has just spent the last of her money on a fix and some stripper heels, so Kailyn is out of luck. Kailyn frowns. She ends up borrowing it from her baby-daddy Jo. They talk about getting back together but decide the timing is not right. Kailyn frowns. That’s pretty much it.

Thank God for Jenelle this week or I would have totally had to pop a caffeine pill just to stay awake during this episode!

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