Just in case you missed the season premiere of Teen Mom Season 3, The Ashley is here for you to recap what happened. It’s been months since we’ve seen the four original girls and ‘Teen Mom’ fans have been dying to know what’s new with Maci, Amber, Catelynn and Farrah.
Picture it. April and Butch’s humble abode….night time. (Kudos to anyone who caught that Golden Girls reference!) Catelynn is horrified to discover that someone has attempted to claw their way into her room via the window. She calls Tyler in to investigate and he, too, is horrified. They head into the [Virginia Slim smoke-filled] living room to tell Catelynn’s mom, April, that someone has apparently been trying to break into their house and she should come and look.
April retorts with the best line of the episode (up until this point anyway…stay tuned for even better quotes). “I don’t want to. What do you want me to do it about it? Save you?”
Nope. Don’t do anything, April. If someone breaks in, the cloud of smoke from your ‘ciggies’ should deter the robber/rapist/murderer long enough for Catelynn to get away. Catelynn’s not so sure and she contemplates moving out of the unsafe neighborhood.
Over in the Iowa, Farrah is also making some life-changing decisions. She’s decided to do something that she calls an ‘investment in Sophia’s future.’ A mutal fund? A CD? A college savings plan? Nope, she’s getting a boob job. (Calling it a “breast augmentation” doesn’t make it sound like any more of an investment, just FYI, Farrah.)
Now, hold it right here for a sec: The Ashley could care less if Farrah gets boobs, adds an extra arm or multiplies any of her body parts. That’s her business. However, it is kind of messed up to 1) blame Sophia for her lack of “boobage” and 2) say that getting boobs is an investment in her daughter’s future. I do give her props for just admitting that she’s getting the procedure and not simply ignoring the fact that her chest is ten times bigger than it was in season 2 like some ‘Teen Moms’…ahem, Maci….
Speaking of Maci, she’s having baby-daddy drama and is pissed off that Ryan has not deposited his child support money into her account. She goes to his house to confront him and get her money, but Ryan claims he has no idea what happened since the child support appears to have been taken out of his MTV unemployment check. Maci is skeptical…
All of this money talk is making Ryan uncomfortable, so it’s time to change the subject. He decides that this would be a good time to ask Maci a Very Important Question, although he’s scared to ask it. He’s being all girly and annoying about it, so Maci tells him to text the Important Question to her. He does and we get to see what he’s asked: “Is Kyle Slow?”
Sorry, April, but Ryan just took the crown off of your head for best quote of the episode with that line!
‘Teen Mom’ viewers have probably wondered if Kyle was um…slow…at one point or another due to his constant mumbling. Thank you, Ryan, for going ahead and asking what we’ve all been wondering! This may be one of the Top ‘Teen Mom’ moments of all time.
Maci is insulted, especially after Ryan justifies his question with the following line, “Hundreds of people have done ask me if the kid was slow, OK? I wan’t bein’ mean!” You know, Ryan, I never liked you, but with that line you have come right underneath Butch as my favorite ‘Teen Mom’ male.
Amber’s making decisions too. She’s still dating Creepy Chris from last season but Gary is asking for another chance. We officially enter the Twilight Zone as Gary invites Amber on a romantical dinner date (I think they’re at Waffle House!) to ask her to take him back. Amber says she’s afraid of getting hurt again. Um…wait a sec here…wasn’t it Gary who got beat in the head like a UFC fighter by Amber? Why the hell is Gary begging for forgiveness?!
Meanwhile, Farrah’s off to the plastic surgeon to try on some boobs. While in the waiting room, she fills out the necessary paperwork. I’m not even kidding, she writes “HERE FOR BOOBS” in big letters on one of the forms. Good luck, doc!
He gives her some boobs to try on and then they get down to business and talk money. Farrah says she needs to make sure she can afford this because, “taking care of Sophia is expensive too.” Wait…who’s Sophia? Oh…the baby, right! I always forget about them!
She attempts to get some loans to pay for her surgery, but is shocked to find out that not too many banks are bowled over by her “trying to get boobs” loan application. Sorry, Farrah, but the American banking system is in a crisis right now. They have bigger fish to fry than your “A” cup.
One more thing: why is she pretending that she doesn’t make thousands of dollars from MTV for being on ‘Teen Mom?’ By all accounts, the girls make a ton of money, so why is she pretending to be poor? Eventually, she is approved and it’s time to get surgery, but not before her mother, Deborah, decides to make a play for the Best Quote of the Episode Crown.
She tells Farrah that she needs to fill out a will before the surgery so that Sophia will go to her parents if she dies. “We need to know where all of your MTV money stuff will go if you die,” she tells her. Thanks, Ma.
The day of the surgery comes and after Farrah signs the “if you die” papers, she slaps on the shower cap and says goodbye to her mom. After a quick prayer for Farrah’s boobs, the doctor gives Farrah the sleepy meds and Farrah is out cold. I think this is the most I’ve ever liked Farrah.
She wakes up with a fresh new rack and her father is there to pick her up. He’s being really nice to her, yet she continues to be a complete dickwad to him. He tries to help her down the stairs and she yells at him. He tries to give her frozen peas to put on her boobs and she yells at him. If I were her dad, I would have thrown the frozen peas at her face and left.
The next segment features Catelynn and it opens with the sound of a cop car and a shot of April smoking a cig right next to her kid. Just another Tuesday evening in the Baltierra household. After the burgle scare, the family has decided to move. April is planning to move in with her mother, but apparently April’s mother hates Catelynn. (What the hell; who could hate Catelynn?) Since her only other option is apparently homeless shelter, Catelynn and Tyler discuss the idea of moving in together.
Meanwhile, Gary and Amber have gone to a couple’s counselor to try to work out their issues. We learn that Gary cheated on Amber by kissing another girl. Despite the fact that Gary has confessed his crime and apologized for it, Amber’s still being a total crapgoblin about everything and won’t forgive him. Um…he forgave you when you beat the beJesus out of him, you can’t forgive him for kissing a girl?! She said she hit him and it’s his fault because he got her pregnant at 17. The doctor looks like he wants to jump out the window and run. Good luck, Doc!
Next week: we learn that Kyle may get to meet Ryan; Tyler and Catelynn may start looking at apartments, Amber may break up with Creepy Chris and Farrah is still one of the most horrible people on television. Tune in to see what happens!