This week’s Teen Mom episode was called “Time Out.” Clearly, this is something all of the Teen Moms need: time out from their busy, productive lives of working getting fake boobs, hair extensions and jetting across America. (They’re just like any other teen mom, ya’ll!) Catelynn is exempt from this, as she actually goes to school and has a job and takes care of her real-life responsibilities. Plus, she has all of her natural body parts.
Anyway, Amber is still reeling from her night in the slammer, so much so that she has broken things off with Clinton (or “Clin’n” as she calls him). She wants to focus more on herself and Baby Leah. Amber’s friend, Jessica, calls (why have we never heard of Jessica before? Perhaps Amber met her in jail?) Amber explains how awful jail was (no self tanner!) and how hard it is to have a no-contact order with Gary.
She doesn’t, however, explain why the hell she’s wearing 10-inch fake eyelashes while she’s lounging around her house in sweatpants. What the f*ckety f**k is that about? Are we just not supposed to notice that those are super fake, awkward and out of place?
Anyway, over in Michigan, Catelynn is excited because she has finished high school! She comes home to read Tyler an email she’s received from Brandon and Teresa. Naturally, she’s reading it on her big, brand new iPad. (I’m going to let this one slide since she has a job, but really? An iPad? I guess that’s what MTV gives out as graduation gifts to its stars?)
They are sad to learn that Carly may not be able to come out to their graduation and they hope that it’s not because Brandon and Teresa don’t want to expose Carly to her toxic birth grandparents. But who wouldn’t like Butch and April? (Other than the Michigan Department of Family Services?)
In Tennessee, Maci’s swinging her new blond hair extensions all over her state-of-the-art kitchen (as you do). Her friend calls to squeal that she saw Ryan canoodling downtown when he was supposed to be spending his custody time with Bentley! Maci’s pissed, understandably, since she gave up the extra time with Bentley to Ryan, and he’s choosing to spend the time going out carousin’ rather than spend it with his son. Even Ryan’s own mama is pissed when she hears that Ryan’s once again going out to “party party” during one of Bentley’s visits. Or maybe she was apalled by his trucker hat and Girls Gone Wild t-shirt. I don’t know.
Meanwhile, Farrah has just returned from the latest trip in her road trip across America to find a new home. She’s decided that she wants to move to Florida with Sophia but Debra is having a hard time with the whole thing because she will miss both of them Sophia a lot.
Deb tells her “not to rush into anything or you will live with regret.”
The woman speaks from experience: she rushed into a night of sexy time with Michael 19 years ago and, as a result, is stuck with Farrah and her Snotty McHighHorse attitude forever.
Farrah tells Sophia that because she got knocked up at 16, she wasn’t able to do the normal things a teen does, such as get braces. Now that’s she’s older (and swimming in MTV money) she has decided to finally get them. But first, she is going to celebrate her father’s birthday. She says she wants to go to a sushi restaurant to celebrate (sorry Mike, no prickly pear margaritas at this joint). During the birthday festivities, Farrah tells her parents about her plans to get braces, which she claims will help her modeling career. (Again with the modeling crap? Seriously, Farrah has as much chance of being a successful model as Butch does winning Father of the Year.)
Farrah decides that they need to go to a family counseling session to discuss the move to Florida. (It must be nice to be able to drop everything, you know, like work and stuff, and go to counseling whenever your daughter has a whim.) She tells her parents that she’s moving to Florida with or without their permission. Deb suggests that Sophia stay with them in Iowa while Farrah gallivants around the Sunshine State. Farrah doesn’t seem to like the plan that much, but says she will consider it.
Over in Michigan, it’s Catelynn’s last day of high school and her ponytailed teacher, Monte, bids her farewell. I’m hoping that Monte will somehow figure out a way to appear in future episodes. (Maybe it will be like on ‘Saved by the Bell’ when Mr. Belding just happened to find a way to be in the kids’ lives, even after they graduated?) Cate tells Monte that she wants to be a “fun teacher” just like him. She needs to purchase a lot of hair grease and ponytail holders if she wants to make that dream come true!
In honor of her graduation, Catelynn decides to plan a romantical weekend trip with Tyler. She’s sparing no expense: she’s booked the “Sunshine” jacuzzi room at a bed and breakfast (get it girl!) and a private ski lesson to surprise him.
In Amber-ville, Gary and Amber have a meeting with Child Protective Services to see if they can stop being monitored. Gary’s mom comes to Amber’s house (wearing overalls, naturally) to discuss the current no-contact order between the two. She reveals she is terrified of going back to jail and Gary’s mom nods emphatically.
Later, Cousin Krystle (and her son) come to visit Amber (and her ridiculous eyelashes). Things are going well until Leah pukes all over herself. Cousin Krystle helps clean up the mess while Amber cleans up Leah and puts her in her bed. Somehow, Amber’s eyelashes have managed to get EVEN BIGGER during this time period. Seriously, it’s getting ridiculous. It’s like a Saturday Night Live skit or something.
It’s time for Cate and Ty’s skiing lesson. They’re sloshing around the slopes, having a great time and it’s obvious that they’ve moved up in social status from the days where “skiing” consisted of April putting them on a garbage can lid and sending them down the hill.
Later, they head to the bed and breakfast to spend some time together. They say that the place reminds them of their grandma’s house, which is certainly one way to kill the mood. (That and the Amtrak train tracks that literally run through the parking lot of the place!) Let’s hope they visited www.itsyoursexlife.org before the trip and practiced safe sexy time!
Meanwhile, Maci is ready to confront Ryan about his lazy parenting and downtown carousing. Of course, Ryan claims that he never goes out while Bentley’s at his house. (Umm…it would probably be easier to convince us of this if we hadn’t seen the footage of him doing so, like, 10 minutes ago!) Maci storms off and tells Kyle that she needs to cut Ryan out of her life and deal directly with Ryan’s parents, since they are the ones taking care of Bentley anyway.
Kyle and Maci head to a fancy restaurant (white linens and candlelight, ya’ll!) Um…aren’t they both unemployed? Shouldn’t they be eating Top Ramen over the stove right about now? How do they afford to go to fancy dinners? Anyway, Maci’s hinting to Kyle that she wants to get married. Two weeks ago she wants a baby and now she wants to get married?! Two words, Maci: slow down. You’re scaring everyone, especially Kyle, who looks like he crapped himself when you mentioned marriage. Waiter, can we get some extra napkins over here, pronto!?
Next week is another 1.5 hour episode. In fact, it’s the season finale. (What the hell am I going to do without new episodes of ‘Teen Mom’ to chuckle at?!) Next week it appears that Farrah’s going to cry, Gary’s going to try to get back with Amber and Maci’s going to whine about Ryan. Just another day in Teen Mom-Ville.