‘The Bachelor’ Ben Episode 1 Recap: It’s Granny Time!

“Seven of you are going home…and one of you is going to the loony bin!”

Well, kids, it’s that time again. Even though ABC has picked quite possibly the most boring man on Earth to be the new Bachelor, I will still be watching this crap. As The Ashley always says, “It’s better to have a boring ‘Bachelor’ than no ‘Bachelor’ at all.” (I think I need to make that into a bumper sticker.)

Anyway, Ben Flajnik has returned to the show that allowed him to get his poor little Indie rock heart torn out and stepped on just months ago. He is still recovering from being dumped by Ashley Hebert but says that getting humiliated on national television actually made him more of a complete person…or something.

Anyway, it takes them all of three minutes to work the most-overused phrase of the ‘Bachelor’ franchise into the episode. Ben tells us that “he’s ready to find love.” He also tells us that he’s never juggled dating 25 women before. You’ve got to be kidding me. With those deep V-neck T-shirts, that curly mop of semi-dirty-looking hair and too-cool-for-school pullover sweaters, I find it hard to believe that Ben hasn’t been beating the ladies off with sticks for years.

Anyway, the ‘Bachelor’ Mansion is once again open for business and Ben is ready to find his soul mate. We get to meet some of the ladies that will be vying for his affection. (To read The Ashley’s opinions on all of these girls, click here.)

First up is Lyndzie who tells us that she got dumped via text message. (While this is disturbing, I find it even more disturbing that she saved the text and shows it to us.)

We also meet Amber T., who tells us that she enjoys shooting things and eating cow balls (as you do). I hope they frisk her before they let her into Casa de Bachelor. We are also introduced to Courtney, a model from Los Angeles who informs us that she’s ready for an engagement ring and that it must be at least 2 carats because, you know, she’s worth it. (It’s only been one minute but I already want to hit Courtney in the face with a brick.)

“And I thought Ashley H. was hard to take!”

Lyndsie J. (or however you spell her name) is from England and is probably one of the most nauseating people I’ve had the displeasure of meeting via the TV. She tells us that she has lived a bunch of places and that she’s speaks all these different languages. If Ben keeps her around for very long I may hit myself in the face with a brick.

Anyway, it’s time for Ben to meet the gals. The first limo arrives and Ben looks likes he’s about to crap his pants. Luckily, he holds it in long enough to meet Rachel, who immediately informs him that her middle name is “Rose.” I’ll forgive her pathetic sledgehammer-of-a-hint because she’s wearing a really cute red dress.

The girls keep popping out of the limo and each is more annoying than the last. Apparently, they all made a pact while in the limo to introduce themselves to Ben by using corny (and somewhat creepy) pickup lines that relate to their jobs. For instance, the law student tells Ben that “he’s guilty of being sexy.” The personal trainer tells him that she’s “going to make him sweat.”

Can I get some more bricks in here?!

We next meet Jenna, a blogger who seems to be rather normal. However, as she walks into the mansion, some crazy horror movie music starts playing so we know she’s going to be trouble later on. Next up is Emily who is apparently into diseases. After sanitizing Ben’s grubby mitts, she demands the first kiss. Everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is a good, deep conversation regarding communicable diseases. (At least Ben will have someone to diagnose him if he catches an STD from one of these chicks!)

Every girl this season seems to have a gimmick: whether it’s wearing a giant hat, arriving in a pageant sash or riding up on a horse.

“In my day, these girls would have been called ‘loose!'”

However, Brittney takes the cake for having the creepiest gimmick to date on the ‘Bachelor.’ She comes toting along her 70-year-old Granny (on crutches, for added sympathy, apparently). Granny emerges from the limo first and proclaims her love for Ben, then introduces him to Brittney. The ploy seems to have worked with Ben but the other girls are less than thrilled to have a Metamucil-chugging grandma at their cocktail party. They’re probably just bitter because they didn’t think of it. (And because Granny looks better than half these chicks!)

The next limo arrives carrying Anna who decides that she’s going to be “mysterious” and walk right past Ben, barely murmuring a “hello” as she passes by him with her nose in the air. Just like high school all over again, eh, Ben?

Finally Ben joins all the girls (and Granny) in the mansion. He spends some one-on-one time with a few of these goons and I’m getting more queasy by the minute. Granny is about the only interesting one of the bunch, especially when she tells Ben that she pretty much raised Brittney. A little while later, she hits the road, leaving Britt to fend for herself.

Once Chris brings in the First Impression Rose, the mansion basically turns into a harem. The girls are thrusting body parts all over Ben, hoping to swipe the stupid rose. I’m fairly certain only about 10% of these girls could give a crap about Ben, they simply want to “win.” If Ben knew what was good for him, he’d have jumped into the limo with Granny and high-tailed it out of that loony bin.

Emily comes back around, only this time she’s armed with a rap about acquiring communicable diseases. No seriously. This really happened. She raps for about 10 horrifying minutes.

By this time, the girls are getting catty. Jenna and a girl named Monica start to argue because apparently Monica isn’t in love with Ben enough for Jenna’s liking. Jenna is desperate to start trouble, while Monica is desperate to get into the pants, er….dress, of one of the other girls!

Meet your “Michelle Money” of this season. Maybe she’ll give herself a black eye too.

Jenna starts to get on everyone’s nerves (especially mine). She’s obviously the token “crazy” of this season. Her mascara is running, she’s using big words incorrectly and she’s bugging her eyes out. It can only mean one thing: she’s about to have a batsh*t crazy ‘Bachelor’ flip-out. Ugh. 

Monica is getting pretty tipsy at this point and is slurring her words and talking about cutting other girls’ faces off. (Don’t promise me something you can’t deliver, Monica!) She and Jenna go at it again and the other girls try to get them to make up. Why the hell do these other girls give a crap about this creepnuggets? I would avoid them both (except to throw things at them, of course.)

Jenna runs to cry in the bathroom (naturally). Although I’m hoping Ben will cut her and her nasty two-toned hair, I know that won’t be the case. I’ve watched this show for way too many seasons and know that producers will “encourage” him to keep this trainwreck around for a while to stir the pot.

Anyway, Ben grabs the First Impression Rose, going past Jenna’s padded cell bathroom (where she’s screaming and crying) and gives the rose to Lindzi (a.k.a “Horse Girl”!)

Mercifully, it’s then time to cut some of these creeps loose. Ben starts to get all sweaty when he realizes he’s going to have to cut seven girls. He starts rambling on about love and honor and all that junk. He then passes out the roses and seems to be choosing the more normal girls.

Hey Ben, tell us how many minutes it took for you to regret doing this season.

Jenna’s literally shaking because she thinks she’s going home. (Oh, girl, just stop it. You know you’re going to get one but they’re making him wait until the last rose. Geez.) Naturally, this is exactly what happens.

Our casualties tonight include Anna (the girl who walked away without talking to Ben), Lyndsi (the annoying English chick), both Ambers, the Kellie Pickler lookalike.

Next week….I’m sure Ben will once again ‘wow’ us with his stellar personality, while Jenna will most likely become a danger to herself and those around her.


  1. I always imagine the Bachelor/Bachelorette gets to fill out a list of attributes they’re looking for in a spouse, and that this informs the show’s casting. Is it me, or did Ben perhaps specify that he likes white women with enormous boobs?

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