‘Bachelor’ Ben Episode 2: Crying, Costumes & Creepy Home Movies

This is the kind of crap that nightmares are made of.

It’s the second episode of the most boring Bachelor season to date. So far, Ben has failed to drum up the interest of America, causing ratings for this season to be much lower than expected.

Anyway, the 18 ladies that didn’t get the boot last week are headed to Sonoma, California (Ben’s hometown). Taking a sleepy, boring ‘Bachelor’ to a quiet, quaint town in the middle of wine country….this season is literally better than Ambien for putting The Ashley to sleep.

Anyway, the ladies are set up in a mansion in Sonoma and the first date card arrives and it goes to Kacie B. I’ll admit; I honestly have no clue which one Kacie B. is. They should either be required to wear their first night cocktail dresses or a name tag for the first three weeks.

Anyway, Ben picks Kacie up for their date. He’s wearing a sport coat and a freshly ironed pair of Dockers and he looks very nice. Obviously, Kacie B. didn’t get the memo that’s it’s a “fancy” date, as she’s sporting a pair of shorts and a tank top. I hope they don’t have a dress code at the Sonoma Olive Garden.

They stroll around downtown Sonoma, and Ben’s busting out all these facts about the town that no one cares about. (“My grandma used to get her hair done over there….that’s where my sister used to buy her backpacks…”) Kacie is doing her best to look like she gives a crap. I’m doing my best to stay awake.

"Please, reality Gods, let there be a hot tub date soon!"

This date is a complete snoozefest. They play some random piano in a hotel, go look a lunchboxes and go to a toy store. I never thought I’d say this but I miss those ultra cheesy dates that included a hot tub and/or a yacht.

Things really get, um, spicy when Kacie buys (or steals?)  a baton from the toy store and teaches Ben how to twirl. I prayed hard to the reality Gods that one of them would knock the other out with the baton, but no such luck.

Kacie actually seems like a good girl. She seems to have real interest in Ben (not just the cameras) and seems to be very sweet.

They head to a movie theater, and, at that point, I made the joke that “they’ll probably force us to watch home movies of these two knuckleheads.” Two minutes later…guess what happens…they force us to watch home movies of these two knuckleheads. No joke. Seriously. Seriously?! Watching footage of Kacie twirling her baton at her kindergarten recital literally made me want to gauge my own eyes out for watching this crap.

Everything gets emotional when Ben’s deceased father comes on the screen. Ben’s crying, Kacie’s crying and I’m crying, mostly because my life has become so pathetic that I have nothing better to do than watch ‘The Bachelor.’ At least I know it can’t get much worse though…or can it?

Anyway, back at the mansion, the date card for the next day arrives. One of the girls starts reading off the names of the girls that will be going on the date. It keeps going and going and I swear Ben’s taking about 30 people on this group date. I think they are just making names up at this point.

The next day, the gals meet up with Ben, who announces that they will all be performing in a play…written by kids. Sweet baby Jesus, someone please come to my house and murder me so I don’t have to watch this. Honestly, no judge would convict you.

The looks on their faces are priceless! "Must...look...happy...."

The girls first have to audition in front of the kids to see which role they’ll be given. They all act like they’re so excited because “they love kids.” Right….I’m sure you’re thrilled that you’re going to be made a fool of by some toothless 10-year-old who still sleeps with a Dora the Explorer doll.

The kids are seriously awesome. They make the girls do really degrading things during the auditions such as “act like a weasel” and “make pig noises.” Seriously, it was like they had The Ashley instructing them on what to make these girls do. One of the kids tells Nicki (?) to do a sexy dance. Um…yeah, that’s not awkward at all. Then they tell Blakely (a.k.a. “Jugs”) to jog in slow motion. She’s basically wearing a corset and popping out all over the place. Something tells me that many of those little boys had their first wet dream that night.

The girls all get their parts and get into ridiculous costumes that have no connection. The play is absolutely nauseating. Despite this, the entire community of Sonoma seems to have gathered to watch this sh*tshow go down. (There must not be much happening in that town if this was the best way those citizens could spend their evening!) Seriously, you’d have to strap me down to watch this crap in person.

I hope they paid him extra to do this. They should pay ME extra to watch this.

Ben is dressed as a sheep (as you do) and all of the girls are dressed as assorted critters. For no apparent reason, Ben strips off his sheep costume to reveal a wool diaper. That pretty much made me lose any ounce of respect I had for Ben. It also made me lose my lunch.

This is possibly one of the worst episodes of ‘The Bachelor’ ….ever. Seriously, I think I am going to tape it and save it. If my future children are ever bad, I’m going to lock them in a room and force them to watch this scene over and over again.

Later, Ben and the girls head to a poolside lounge for cocktails (sans costumes). Blakely is accused of being a desperate cougar by some of the other girls after she steals Ben away and thrusts her ample woman parts at him. This causes Samantha to go cry in the bathroom. (Someone has to do it!)

Blakely is determined to get the date rose and decides to bring out the big guns. (By big guns I mean ginormous breasts!) She pulls her bikini top down so that her giant bazookas are almost unleashed and then slops her lips all over Ben. Her ho-tastic plan works and she gets the rose. The other girls are devastated.

At the house, Courtney (the bitchy model) is given the other one-on-one date card and is gloating to the other girls. They all look like they want to rip her face off. (Do it!)

The next day, Ben comes to pick Courtney up for their date. Accompanying Ben on the date is Scotch the Dog whose presence is the only good thing about this entire episode. It kind of makes me mad though, as Courtney seems like a horrible person and doesn’t deserve to hang out with Scotch the Dog. My only hope is that Scotch ends up taking a pee on Courtney’s expensive “model” heels. That would kind of make my day.

They head out for a picnic and Courney tells Ben that she doesn’t get asked out very much because, you know, she’s too pretty and she intimidates guys. Oh, sure, she’s dated lots of actors and photographers but it never works out….

Scotch: "Geez Ben, even I can see that Courtney's a crapgoblin!"

Ben is totally smitten with this trick (although Scotch the Dog doesn’t seem to be amused). He says she’s “too good to be true.”

Later, they have a romantical candlelight dinner in a vineyard and Ben starts rattling on about his “wild days” in Internet advertising. Courtney looks like she’s going to fall asleep (although she did perk up when he mentioned that he made lots of money in that field).

Courtney says that dating is “just so tough” for her. She’s so fake; I’d really like to run her over with a tractor. Ben doesn’t see that she’s full of crap and gives her a rose. Off camera, she cackles with delight that she’s swindled the rose from Ben.

The next night is the cocktail party and many of the girls are stressed because they haven’t spent any time with Ben this week. Two girls are getting the boot, and they’re all scrambling to make sure that they won’t be one of those.

Ben tries to talk to some of the girls he hasn’t connected with yet. This angers “Jugs” (a.k.a. Blakely) and she steals him every time he starts to talk to another girl, despite the fact that she already has a stupid rose. This causes me to lose even more respect for Ben. A respectable guy would have pulled himself away from Blakely’s boobies and spent time with other girls.

File under: "Annoying Ways to Get Attention"

Ben finally gets alone time with last week’s token crazy, Jenna. The second they sit down, Jenna starts rattling on and on about a bunch of random things, including explaining that she’s not into drama. I have no idea what she’s talking about at this point, as there are so many topics being thrown out there at once. It’s kind of like watching the movie “Inception.”

After their conversation, she goes to cry in bed. Meanwhile, the other girls are making fun of Blakely, causing her to go cry in the corner. Ben tries to go comfort both of these creepskulls, but to no avail.

Finally, it’s time to hand out roses. Everyone’s been crying for hours and they all look pretty haggard at this point. The camera keeps flashing on Jenna as the roses are being handed out, telling us that she’ll probably get the boot.

The final rose goes to Brittnie (who is sans Granny this episode). Jenna and some other chick who name I can’t remember are given the boot. Jenna tells the camera that she’s mortified and that she doesn’t understand why she can’t find love. Who cares about love…what that chick needs to find is a straightjacket and a one-way ticket to the loony farm.

Next week….the girls and Ben head off to San Francisco. Brittnie gets a phone call and appears to want to leave the show (is Granny sick?!) Also, a “special guest” will appear. I can hardly contain my excitement.


  1. I think Courtney is TV gold! She adds so much to this show..man if she was gone I don’t think I would continue to watch it. As a man i find her very sexual and pretty. She is witty, fun, has great one liners, has the best time of any of the girls when she is with Ben.
    I dont understand all the negative about Courtney..if I was on the show I would for sure have her in the final 4. Probably would have 1. Blackely 2. Courtney 3. Nicki 4.Jamie
    Why Jamie..well she made this week some comments on has she has sexual dreams thinking about Ben. And why those 4? For sure those 4 would all perform in the fantasy suit. At the end (After I already slept with those4) I would pick Courtney HANDS DOWN!
    Emily is boring..she needs someone like Ames. Casey B needs to spend a few more years at the clubs..she is hardly ready for marriage unlike Courtney who has said she is READY and she is pushing 29!

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