Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was actually mildly entertaining, especially compared to the two sleeping bags of crap that ABC served up to us for the first two episodes. This episode had all the prerequisites of a good ‘Bachelor’ episode: unexpected visitors, dramatic first kisses and chicks who have stress-induced medical problems. Sounds like a stellar Monday night for The Ashley.
Anyway, this episode takes place in San Francisco, which is Ben’s hometown. (Um…wasn’t Sonoma his hometown?) Like last episode, Ben has brought along a sidekick this time. However, instead of adorable Scotch the Dog, we get stuck with Julia, Ben’s older(?) sister who really doesn’t add anything and kind of looks like a more studious version of Khloe Kardashian. She tells Ben it would be nice to see him finally have a girlfriend. (I’m assuming she meant a girlfriend that doesn’t dump him on national TV, yes?)
Anyway, after Julia is wheeled off-screen, we head to the girls’ hotel. They’ve barely had time to get settled when the first date card arrives for Emily. She will be going on the first one-on-one date with Ben. I literally can’t remember this chick for the life of me.
Regardless, she gets to go on the date and Courtney predicts that their date will be boring. Um…yeah, it’s with Ben. I don’t think there’s any other option than boring. I never thought I’d long for the days of Brad Womack, but at least he said stupid things that I could make fun of. Ben gives me nothing!
The next day, Emily and Ben meet up on the pier. He tells her that, despite the fact that they both are deathly afraid of heights, they will be climbing the Bay Bridge. (This is the day they both learned what the phrase “contractually obligated” really means I think!) Emily looks like she’s going to crap herself and my only hope is that ABC supplied a few diapers for her to wear during this ridiculous date. I know I’d need them!
Ben says that doing things that they both hate will help bond them. Um, whatever happened to talking over coffee like normal people? Why do you have to get Cal-Trans guys involved? I’m sure they have better things to do than deal with reality TV numbskulls who decide they want to shimmy up a bridge.
Back at the hotel, the girls discover that the thing they had been hanging their unmentionables on is actually not a coat rack but a telescope! They also discover that they can use it to peep on Emily and Ben’s date. How convenient!
Emily and Ben are scooting their way up the side of the Bay Bridge. They stop in the middle and he goes in for the kiss. He’s obviously trying to get onto one of those “Top 10 Most Romantic Bachelor Moments” lists. Nice try, Benjamin, but you’re still boring.
I’ll save you the suspense: they make it to the top and it’s magical, blah, blah, blah. They compare their budding relationship to a bridge coming together. Or something like that. I kind of stopped watching as soon as I realized that neither of them were going to fall to their death.
Later at dinner, Emily tells Ben about how she got matched with her brother through an online dating website. Ben tells Emily how he got dumped on national TV. He gives her the rose, they pop open champagne and watch some perfectly timed fireworks. Gag.
Back at the hotel harem, the second date card has arrived. Most of the girls will be going on this date; however, Lyndzi, Jennifer, Brittnie and Courtney are not invited. One of them will get the second one-on-one, while the other three will be left Ben-less this week.
The next day, the girls head out for the group date. The herd meets Ben in the lobby and he tells them that “he” has the best date planned- skiing through the streets of San Francisco! Why do the Bachelors always try to act like they were the ones that planned these loony-brain dates? Are we really supposed to believe that Ben was out there blowing snow into the streets all night?
The girls put on their bikinis (as you do) and skis and head out to the “slopes.” I’m sure the people that live in that neighborhood were so pissed that their street had to be blocked off because some stupid ‘Bachelor’ and his knucklehead girlfriends wanted to go skiing in their bikinis. I would have thrown ice cubes at them, but that’s just because I’m a horrible person.
Later, the girls change out of their bikinis and head to Tonga, a tiki bar that The Ashley has always wanted to go to! The girls are throwing themselves at Ben during their one-on-one time, all trying to sneak in kisses and creepy compliments while the other girls stare at them. Sounds idyllic.
Kasey B. takes Ben outside for a walk and talk. She takes her drink with her, which is probably a good idea, being that some of the other girls seem like they are not above slipping her a roofie to get her out of the competition.
Back at the hotel, the third date card arrives for Brittnie. Unfortunately, Brittnie’s pretty much over the whole ‘Bachelor’ experience and just wants to get the hell out of there. She says that her heart is not in it and that she wants to go home. She packs her suitcase and heads out to find Ben. (Are we supposed to believe that she dragged her big ol’ suitcase all the way through the streets of San Fran on a quest to find Ben? Come on, people.)
Anyway, she arrives at the bar (with suitcase in tow) and tells Ben that she must leave. Forever. Ben tries to act like he cares, even though we all knew that he was probably going to ditch her after their one-on-one date anyway. (I mean, other than Granny, she didn’t really have much to offer.)
His sadness is short-lived once he realizes he has 10 girls in the bar that are getting liquored up and would probably sleep with him to get a rose.
Meanwhile, the girls back at the hotel are anxious to see which one of them will get the date that Brittnie rejected. Lindzie gets it, and Jennifer is crushed.
The next night, Ben and Lindzie (ugh…this spelling…I can’t take it anymore!) take a trolley tour around San Francisco and then go to City Hall. They walk in and <surprise!> there’s a live band there, waiting to play just for them! I’ve never heard of the guy singing, but that’s not surprising since I’m not up on what “the kids” are listening to these days.
They do some terrible white-people dancing and kiss a lot. Then they head to a 1920s-style speakeasy bar (I wanna go!) and Lindzi tells Ben that she was once dumped via text message. Ben one-ups her, explaining that he was once dumped via national television. Ben wins. Later, she gets the date rose.
Meanwhile, a “mystery woman” calls Chris Harrison and lets him know that she is on her way to San Fran to meet Ben. This is totally random and they’re not showing her face, although from their conversation we can determine that she’s a girl from a previous season. Please, God, let it be Vienna.
It’s time for the cocktail party and the girls all pledge that there will be no drama that night. They’re all trying to get their last few minutes when Ben. Jennifer gets some alone time and tells Ben that he’s dreamy and that she thinks about him all the time. Ben smiles nervously and is obviously creeped out. Jen tells us later that she is falling in love with Ben. I’m sure she’s already had a few guest towels embroidered for her house that read “Bennifer.”
Finally, the “mystery woman” arrives and we see that it’s Shawntel Newton, the funeral director from Brad’s season. Apparently, she talked to Ben like twice and is now sure that she’s in love with him and needs to find out if he feels the same way. She hopes that he will ditch all these girls and go off into the sunset with her. She goes upstairs to “hooker” herself up a bit for the cocktail party.
Meanwhile, Courtney’s trying to start drama and pit the girls against each other. She snags some alone time with Ben and they go onto the roof. He’s smitten with her, but she’s incredibly fake. We all know (and Ben should too) that in the real world, Courtney wouldn’t give a guy like Ben the time of day. All she wants is to end up on the cover of US Weekly, and if she has to make out with a dorky wine guy to get it, so be it.
Later, Shawntel enters the cocktail party and the girls start freaking out about the “new girl.” She goes to greet a very surprised Ben. The other girls are not too happy that some Hilary Swank-lookin’, embalming be-otch is there to steal their man. Shawntel explains that she likes Ben and wants to join their harem but the other girls are having none of it.
Some of the girls are yelling at her, some are making hateful remarks and others have resorted to going to cry in the other room. For the love of God, can we just get to the freaking rose ceremony?!?
Ben’s stressing out trying to decide if he should give Shawntel a rose. I don’t know why he’s so worried; even if he lets her go now, I’m sure they’ll end up hooking up in the hot tub of some ‘Bachelor’ alumni retreat, after he gets dumped by whichever girl he picks this season. It’s almost a given.
Ben starts to distribute roses and finally it’s down to one rose. Shawntel, Jaclyn and Erica have yet to recieve one. Erica says that she feels nauseous. Everyone dismisses it until she does a face plant onto the cement. She passes out and all the girls look worried. Shawntel looks like she wants to go grab her embalming tools and go at it!
Despite the fact that she tried to faint to make Ben feel bad, Erica gets the boot, as do Jaclyn and Shawntel. Ben refuses to give out the final rose and sends all three girls packing.
Next week: the gals and Ben will head to Park City, Utah for some outdoor shenanigans. Several girls are “falling in love” with our Ben and apparently Courtney plans on clawing a few of the girls’ eyes out. I can’t wait to see her go all “Black Swan” on Emily!
The best part of watching the Bachelor is reading your recaps. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Oh I hope the bachelor and his harem gets to see this. (So they would know what we all REALLY think about them!)
Oh my goodness you crack me up with every line. I love reading your recaps. Keep ’em coming.
Too funny! As always! Wish you wrote about dance moms!
haha love this recap! Favorite part is the caption of that crazy bug eyed fainting girl and the caption… so funny! Love your recaps, and I am usually thinking the same things you are.
I always love reading your recap of this show. Lots of things you said I was thinking while watching it! Haha. I’m so glad he sent Erica home & Jaclyn they drove me crazy. Courtney & Blakeley are just plain rude& crazy.