‘Bachelor’ Ben Episode 6: Creating Panama-Mania!

Raise your hand if you have "Daddy Issues!"

This week Bachelor Ben and the remaining gals head off to Panama City! (For you geographically impaired folk, that’s in Panama.) The girls are excited for their South American adventure and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Ben.

Prince Charming arrives, dressed in cut-off white jeans (?!)  Mercifully, he puts on better pants to go upstairs and meet the ladies. He presents the one-on-one date card to Kacie B.–again. No one is surprised, except for Blakely who was positive that she would finally get that special time with Ben she’d been craving. Nope, sucks for you again.

Later that day, Ben arrives to pick up Kacie B sporting (and I’m not making this up) orange bathing shorts, a “deep V” tee, and tennis shoes (as you do). They hop in the nearest helicopter and head out for an air tour of Panama. Ben says he is taking Kacie B. to a desert island (um, I think you mean deserted island, genius). The island is called “Sand Blas,” which is appropriate since Ben is very, very “bla.”

Kacie reveals that she’s packed an assortment of useless crap for the occasion: a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy. (I can only imagine the sick sexual games she’s planning with those items). Ben has also brought a few items to the deserted island: a machete, matches and a net. Um…if a guy told me he was bringing me to a deserted island with those items I’d call 911. It sounds like something out of a really bad Lifetime movie. Luckily, this is the ‘Bachelor’ and the only thing Kacie B. has to fear is not getting a rose. Or being bored to death by Ben.

Anyway, Ben tells Kacie that they are going to have to survive on the island. I keep expecting Russell Hantz of Survivor to crawl out from under a bush, looking for an immunity idol. Anyway, they “live off the land” for about two minutes and then head back onto the helicopter. Wimps.

"Has anyone seen my white cut-offs? I seemed to have misplaced them!"

Next, Ben and Kacie (Bacie?) head to a romantical dinner in town for some “deep conversation.” Kacie confides that she had an eating disorder back in high school. As soon as she says that, you can see Ben totally trying to steal glances at Kacie’s plate to see if she’s eaten. After her big secret is out, Ben gives her the rose. He would have to be a real creepnugget not to give her one after she told him that. Well played, Kacie.

Back at the house, a group date card arrives, revealing that two of the girls, Blakely and Rachel, will be going on a 2-on-1 date. Rachel is less than thrilled, while Blakely thinks she has it in the bag. I think he dislikes you both equally.

The next day is the group date and the girls head out to soak up some local Panama culture. Ben picks them up in a large boat and Jaime marvels at how much of a “man’s man” Ben is. (Really? Really?) It starts to rain and Courtney makes sure everyone knows how “wet” she is. Please, someone push her out of the boat right now just for saying that.

They pull up to a “native village” where a bunch of little kids in loin cloths are playing soccer. I feel like a dirty old man for watching it.  The indigenous people of the village (who are likely just tanned actors trying desperately to get their SAG cards, which is why the agreed to these shenanigans) take the girls and dress them in native gear.

"They won't buy the cow if they get the milk for free, you know!"

Naturally, Courtney decides to pretty much go topless and shake her stuff in front of a bunch of ogling little boys. Ben comes out sporting a loin cloth, which I actually prefer to his usual lame-ass hipster garb. He tells us that he is pleased to see that Courtney’s lady lumps are on full display for all to see. Um, are we in the Twilight Zone here?!

She goes over and dances, all the while shaking her rack for the native men and boys. If I were one of those native ladies I’d jam my spear right through Courtney’s “model” eyebrows.

Later, the girls clean up and head for cocktails. Ben pulls each of them aside for some alone time. Courtney gives Ben her hotel room number, in case he is in need of a little “pickle tickle” after the night’s activities.

To complete her Holy Trinity of Classless Acts, Courtney decides to strip down and jump in the pool while Ben is talking to Jaime. Ben has a hard time concentrating on what Jaime’s rattling on about with Courtney frolicking in the pool behind him.

Later, Emily decides to eat crow and make amends with Courtney. She apologizes for being catty, only to have Courtney basically take her apology, step on it and throw it back in her face. Emily handled it well, but I’ll tell you this: if I had been Emily and Courtney had said that to me, that be-otch would still be picking Lee Press-on Nails out of her hair. Giiiiirl!

Salsa Dancing
"I'm not used to dancing in this much clothing!"

Anyway, It’s time for the 2-on-1 with Rachel and Blakely. Honestly, I don’t think Ben cares which one of these chicks goes home tonight, because it’s obvious that they’re both going to be sent packing within the next two episodes.

Ben announces that he is taking the girls salsa dancing. The girls go to get dressed for the occasion, and Blakely comes out looking like she stole Miss Piggy’s prom dress. You ain’t going to snag a man in that horrendous frock! Each girl gets a turn dancing with Ben (and his ridiculous white-bread salsa moves. Honestly, his dancing is worse than his Spanish!)

Blakely is shaking her groove thing like she’s competing for the last dollar at the Spearmint Rhino. (She just needs a pair of see-through plastic heels and she’d be ready for the main stage and the pole!) Rachel’s not happy that she has to compete with Blakely’s stripper moves. She should totally bust out the Robot. Men can’t resist it, trust me.

Blakely’s sweating bullets while dancing and it’s no wonder; she’s probably used to wearing little more than pasties and a G-string when she’s dancing.

Bachelor
"...and this is where I keep your used Kleenex...."

Later, the trio heads to dinner and Ben pulls each girl aside to talk. During her special time, Blakely decides to proclaim her love for Ben, then pulls out a super-creepy scrapbook she’s been making during the journey. She shows Ben all the things she’s written down that she likes about him. (I wonder if she had collected a lock of his mangy hair and some DNA to clone him if he eliminates her?)

It’s time to ditch one of these girls. Ben decides to give the rose to Rachel and Blakely is beside herself with grief, wondering what she did wrong. Two words: Creepy.Book. Meanwhile, Rachel is gloating about getting the rose. Um, honey, you’ll be in the Pity Wagon next week for sure so I wouldn’t be so damn cocky if I were you!

The next day, the girls are discussing the rose ceremony when Chris Harrison appears out of nowhere. This can only mean one thing: crap’s about to go down! (Who slept with a producer? Who’s job called and threatened to fire them for being on this crappy show? Whose 20 boyfriends are in the next room!?)

He’s come to fetch Casey S., who he accuses of having a boyfriend back home that she’s still in love with. Casey doesn’t deny that she’s still in love with the other man, but insists he treats her bad and wanted someone better to love her. No one knows what to do with this situation, so they head up to discuss it with Ben, who basically copes a hissy-pissy attitude that someone would dare care about a man other than him. He tells her to hit the bricks and she busts out one of the ugliest “cry” faces that reality TV has ever seen! Casey (and her horrible one-piece denim ensemble) are whisked away in disgrace.

It’s right before the rose ceremony and Jaime is desperate to get in some last minute time with Ben (and the camera). She goes to find him and tells him that she wants to show him what she can do. She proceeds to give him a full-on lap dance. But don’t worry–she tells him she only gives lap dances to guys that she trusts and respects! (I swear she said that! I didn’t even have to make that up!)

"You call that a lap dance? Make way for the expert!"

After setting Women’s Lib back about 10 years with her desperate lap dance, Jaime then proceeds to fire off instructions about how she and Ben will undertake a make-out session. It’s so pathetically awkward that I can’t take it and stop watching. Eventually even Ben can’t stand the awkwardness and screams for it to stop.

It’s time to hand out the three remaining roses. Courtney gets a rose and it’s between Jaime and Emily to get the boot. It’s not a surprise that Jaime is let go after that horrific display of creepiness moments before. 

Next week: the gang heads to Belize, where Ben may start to realize that Courtney’s a complete creepgoblin. (But probably not, because it’s better for ratings if he’s being duped!)

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.