‘Bachelor’ Ben Episode 7: Can You Belize How Bad This Show Is?

"Has anyone seen the camera guy?"

Well kids, we made it to Episode 7, which is pretty much the episode where all of the women will look deep inside their heart and realize that, yes, they are falling in love with our Bachelor. It happens every single season. They have to make sure they say that before the Hometown Dates or their chances of getting that Neil Lane sparkler are pretty much slim to none.

Anyway, this week Ben and the remaining six girls head to Belize for some Central American fun! Ben arrives and as he emerges from the helicopter, I almost choke in disbelief/glee over what he’s wearing. He’s really outdone himself in terms of island attire. This week, Ben has ditched his trusty “Deep V Tee” in favor of….wait for it…an extra deep V tank top! I think he stole it out of Kacie B.’s suitcase. Let me rephrase that; I hope he stole it out of Kacie B.’s suitcase.

The girls arrive and reflect on how much is on the line this week. The four girls who make it through will get to bring Ben home to meet their families. Chris Harrison tells the girls that there will be three 1-on-1 dates this week and one group date. The first 1-on-1 goes to Lyndzi and the other girls are envious and upset. Like some of them are even crying over it. Geez freaking Louise, really? Something tells me this is going to be a long, pathetic evening.

"I hope Lyndzi & I aren't wearing the same shirt!"

Anyway, Ben arrives later in yet another deep V tank to pick up Lyndzi. I honestly don’t know how she kept a straight face when she saw that get-up. I would have been like, “Um…don’t you want to give your sister back her shirt and go change before we go on our date?” I can’t believe this is the “stud” that these girls are fighting over. Well, at least he has a really good personality. Oh…wait.

They set off in a helicopter(!) and Ben begins to spew random Belize facts that he totally had a producer Google for him right before. He then tells Lyndzi that they will be jumping out of the helicopter into a giant lagoon below. Ben removes his tank (God forbid you ruin that gem!) and they prepare to jump but Lyndzi is freaking out. She’s afraid of heights (seriously, is there any girl that’s ever been on this show that doesn’t say that?!)

Still, since Ben is “worth the fall” she makes the jump and is awarded with a kiss from Ben. Lyndzi tells us that she’s “falling in love with Ben.” Just to make this pitiful episode more fun, let’s do a shot every time once of these tricks says that.

Later, at dinner, Lynzi says that she’s ready to take “a leap of faith with her heart” and lets Ben know how she feels. Then they write a stupid note and stuff it in a stupid bottle. The whole scene literally made me feel like I’m going to upchuck my dinner.  They talk about how their relationship is a fairy tale and Ben is a Prince Charming (?!) I’m embarrassed for them.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the other girls are all spewing hate at Courtney when the next 1-on-1 date card arrives. It goes to Emily and, because Emily’s her arch enemy, Courtney says that this is her worst nightmare and she wants to kill herself. I’m fairly certain that there are a few girls in the house (and possibly a few members of the production crew) that would be happy to assist her with that.

The next day, Ben picks up Emily for their date and Courtney’s pouting about Emily getting alone time with Ben. Yes, Courtney, you will not be able to stick your mammaries or crotch in his face for at least 12 hours. I know it will be hard for you.

A hipster on a bike...now there's a shocker!

Anyway, Emily and Ben set out on bikes and ride through town. They dance, shop, horn in on a locals’ game of basketball and then decide to get some lobsters for dinner. They put on snorkeling gear (which, ironically, is the best outfit Ben has worn on this show thus far) and go spear some poor little lobsters to eat.

Later, they go dancing while some poor production assistant probably cooked their lobsters. At dinner, Ben asks Emily if she’s ready to bring him home to her family. Emily says that their date today has confirmed that she is indeed ready. Ben tells Emily that he likes her because she’s got smarts and she’s purrrty. Emily tells him that—grab your tequila—she’s falling in love with him!

Back at the house, the remaining girls are all hoping to see their name on the final 1-on-1 date card. It goes to Courtney, who acts like it was owed to her. This pisses the other girls off. Kacie B. says she wants to punch Courtney in the face. I don’t blame her. Honestly, it would be worth getting kicked off the show if I was able to go all “Bruce Lee” on this be-otch! Giving Courtney a frying pan to the face would be worth any charge I’d receive. No judge would convict me.

Ben takes Courtney to the jungle for their 1-on-1 date. He tells her he chose her for this date because “this is the type of thing I like to do.” This statement just proves how mismatched Ben and Courtney really are. Ben likes to hike through mosquito-filled jungles wearing Crocs, while Courtney and her $85 mani/pedi think being adventurous means going to Hollywood Blvd. after dark.

"Don't do it, Ben! Even I can see this chick's bad news!"

Courtney tells Ben that had she not gotten this date she wouldn’t have accepted a rose at the next rose ceremony. Riiiiight. This chick is a master manipulator and knows just what to say to get Ben freaking out about their relationship. She tells Ben that she’s “lost the spark” for him and suddenly he turns into the sad puppy dog of a man that got dumped by Ashley last season.

He starts telling her how much he likes her and is rambling on and on in an effort not to lose “his model.” By the end of it, he’s practically begging her to let him meet her family. This chick is good!

They hike to the top of a temple and Ben starts talking about his father. I hate to break this to you Ben but Courtney could give a crap about your dead dad, your feelings or your stupid motivational quotes. She’s just trying to figure out a way to use this ‘Bachelor’ thing as a way to get on the next season of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Sorry to break it to you.

Courtney uses her insanely phony “soft, sexy voice” to tell Ben that she wants him to meet her parents. She then tells us that she’s basically got this competition in the bag (and he fires off a few cheesy finger guns to further confirm to us that she just “killed it” with her performance.)

At the house, the girls receive the group date card for Nikki, Rachel and Kacie B. Lyndzi is straight out sporting a shirt that says “I’m in Love” in big letters. Yeah, because that’s not pathetic and creepy at all.

"Was the man-tank really necessary?"

The next morning Ben comes to wake up the group date girls at 4 a.m. Now, if some guy came in my room at the buttcrack of dawn wearing a striped shirt and plaid pants and told me to get up so we could go swimming, I’d probably claw his eyes out. Not these chicks, they spring into action, rushing to the bathroom to shave their pits before the date.

They head out on a boat and Ben tells them that they’ll be swimming with sharks! Apparently this is a good thing because everyone is super excited, expect for Rachel, who is terrified. She’s the only one with a brain. There’s not way in hell I’d get in the water with sharks, especially not with only Ben to protect me. What’s he going to do if a shark attacks me? Beat them away with a cut-off T-shirt? Puuh-lease!

Kacie says that sharks don’t scare her and that she’s more worried about Rachel spending so much time with Ben. I think they all deserve to be shark chum. The other girls get jealous that Rachels’ monopolizing Ben’s time. Later, they all throw themselves at Ben in a last-ditch effort to get the hometown date rose. Nikki tells Ben that she’s “falling in love with him!” (Shots!)

During her alone time, Kacie B. also tells him….take a guess and get out your shot glasses again….that she’s falling in love with him. It’s funny that all these girls think they’re the only one saying this and “laying it out on the line.”

Ben gives the rose to Kacie B. Afterwards, all three of the girls decide to tell Ben the truth about Courtney. He seems to take it all in but I highly doubt he’s smart enough to actually take their advice.

It’s time for the rose ceremony and all the girls are terrified that they will one of the two girls being cut tonight. Chris comes out and shocks everyone by telling them that Ben has made up his mind and doesn’t want to have a cocktail party.

"Who does that?!"

Courtney is 100 percent confident that she’s staying, even telling the other girls “See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!” Why must she drag out every horrible 1990s saying when she’s trying to make a point? If she busts out “Boo-ya!” or “Talk to the Hand!” I’m abandoning this show.

Ben pulls Courtney aside to ask her if she’s faking her feelings for him. Of course she says no. Nikki informs us that there’s a 50/50 chance that Courtney will go home. Um…thank you, Captain Obvious.

The roses go out and it’s down to Emily, Courtney and Rachel. Ben gives the final rose to Courtney. We all knew Rachel didn’t have a chance but I’m sad that he chose Courtney over Emily.

The Pity Boat comes to pick up the rejected girls and Courtney busts out one final “See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!” for the road.

Next week is hometown week where we will finally get to see who we can blame for Courtney’s existence.

(Photos: ABC) I must apologize for my horrible photo-editing skills.

4 Responses

  1. Well, I endured 7 episodes of this show. And why? COURTNEY! i love her! Best chick ever..and she even has Vienna beat..cause Vienna was just hideous to look at. Courtney is eye candy.
    I don’t really care who the Bachelor picks cause 96.5% odds they wont ‘live happily ever after’. So I view the show as from a perspective of will they have great love-sex-and fun after the final rose..And I DO think Courtney and Ben will. I mean look at Dave here for example..him and Natalie hit it off..likely had fun on the show and after..but they are NOT together..but I think they had a great time in the moment. Thus same as Ben and C.
    Also all this love talk..Come on! It aint love but ‘caught up in the moment’ They “Nicki-Kacie B” are caught up in the moment of the process of this show. 100% sure if Ben picked them at the end of the day would result in the same as if he picked Courtney or Lindzi. side-note- If Jenna that might lead to Ben having his wiener cut off.
    So we can’t take this show serious on a quest for love. The girls spend 6 weeks with the bachelor..but in that time maybe have 7 dates total with him.. Sorry but on the same lines thats like a normal couple who spend 2 weeks together “4 dates on two weekends and maybe a date-night on a weekday. What man ask a women to marry him in two weeks?
    I just hope Ben gets laid, has fun and enjoys the time.

    1. I love how basically all of America knows that it’s not *really* about love, except for the people who are dumb enough to go on the show. To me, it’s ridiculous how the the Bachelor gets to “see where things go” with each girl and let his feelings for them develop, but the girls are expected to be in love with the guy before they even meet him. And I absolutely HATE how “he” plans these ridiculous and TERRIFYING dates to test the girl’s feelings for him, and then he’s all ” If she won’t climb a bridge/jump down this dark hole with me, I don’t think I could EVER be in a relationship with her!” Guess what, buddy. In the real world, relationships aren’t just about you. They’re about both people. I would never expect anyone I was dating to go so far out of their comfort zone to prove their feelings to me, and they’ve always given me that same courtesy in return. I hope Ben has some fun with whomever he ends up choosing because trust me, it’s not gonna be any fun for him when he realizes that if he wants a real relationship, he’s going to have to make sacrifices for her, too.

      Oh, I just remembered that he HAS been in the same position as all of these girls. Shame on him for perpetuating that attitude.

  2. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, your recap of last night show. You made me laugh the whole way through.
    I was so drunk from “takin shots” to get though last night’s show. I could not remember what the hell happen… Thanks for reminding me! hahaha. I think Courtney Parents might be Circus People too. Then, and only then, things would make a little bit of sence. That girl is craaaazeee….
    Great Job Ashley!!!!!

  3. WHAT?!?! If Ben had had even the faintest glimmer of a suspicion that any of the other girls were faking their feelings for him, he’d have sent them away before you could say, “Rejected!” And it’s not like just one girl had a beef with Courtney and tried to bring her down because she was jealous. EVERYONE knows that she’s a toxic person, and I don’t care how blinded by love you are, when EVERYONE says, “This person is not good for you,” that’s your indication that that person is not good for you.

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