‘Bachelor’ Ben Episode 9: Carriage Rides, Cowboys & A Creepy Wedding

Ben meets the parents!

This week on The Bachelor we forgo the exotic locations of past episodes and head to the hometowns of the remaining four girls! Hometown dates are always exciting, as it gives us a chance to see what kind of homes these chicks came from.

Anyway, Ben heads to Lyndzi’s hometown of Ocala, Florida, for his first date. Since she’s all about the horses and such, I expected her to hail from Oklahoma or somewhere dustier. Anyway, she rides out to greet Ben on a horse and wastes no time in professing her deep feelings for him, and also lets us know that she’s had her heart broken before and it nearly killed her. Ben seems to find this amusing and says that he is enjoying seeing Lyndzi’s soft and sweet side.

"Did I mention I like horses?!"

They ride off on a horse drawn carriage and arrive at Lyndzi’s folks’ house. Ma and Pa Cox are eagerly awaiting their arrival. Lyndzi introduces Ben as her boyfriend. I don’t know why but this makes me feel awkward. She keeps saying “he’s my boyfriend” and it’s just odd. No, he’s not your boyfriend; he’s some guy you met on a reality show who is going to go bone three other women after he leaves your mom’s house. But feel free to call him whatever you’d like.

Lyndzi introduces her “boyfriend” to her mother, Margie, and her father, who goes by Harry. So that means that Lyndzi’s father is named Harry Cox? Harry Cox?! My God, that’s just too easy.

Anyway, Lyndzi and Ben settle down to have a chat with her parents, who want to know all about the couple’s exotic travels thus far. Lyndzi tells them that they had their first date at San Francisco City Hall. Amazingly, that was also the location of Lyndzi’s parent’s wedding. (This is no surprise, as her parents look like old San Fran hippies. I’m sure they spent their honeymoon in a rusty VW van that was owned by a guy named Sid.)

Anyway, Harry Cox tells Ben that he has to go carriage racing with them because it’s a family tradition. (I mean, who doesn’t, really?) Harry Cox tells Ben that in order to be accepted into the family, he has to partake in trash talking. Ben is hesitant, saying that he just met them. Um…the man’s name is Harry Cox and you have nothing to make fun of him for? God, Ben, you’re more of a wuss than I thought.

Ben clearly loves Harry Cox.

Anyway, they race around in their stupid horse-drawn carts and the parents win. The punishment for losing is that Lyndzi and Ben have to pull the parents back to the house like horses. Yeah, because that’s normal.

Later, Lyndzi’s mom tells Ben that she tried to keep her away from boys and into horses (not like that, you sickos!) She also says that Lyndzi isn’t very experienced in dating. Things are going jolly between Lyndzi, Ben, Margie and Harry Cox. They make smores and Ben says that perhaps Harry Cox could be his father figure too. This is both sad and sweet at the same time.

Ben thinks that Lyndzi would fit into his life very easily. He (and I) hope to see Harry Cox again someday. He says he may be falling in love with Lyndzi.

Next, we head to the exciting city of Clarksville, Tennessee, to visit Kacie B.’s family. Ben and Kacie meet up at the local football stadium, where Kacie’s somehow conned the high school marching band into doing a little ditty in his honor. Kacie, naturally, has placed herself in the middle and is twirling her baton with all of her might.

You deserved to be kicked off just because of this.

I’m sorry, but a 20-something woman trying to relive her days as a high school majorette to impress her TV “boyfriend” isn’t a little pathetic, I don’t know what is. (Besides, we all know that girls only become baton twirlers because they didn’t make the cheerleading squad.)

Ben is bowled over (a.k.a. totally creeped out) by Kacie’s random display of desperation, but says that it’s nice to see her act “alive.” Whatever you say, Ben.

We find out that the field that they are standing on is named after Kacie’s grandfather. She takes the opportunity to tell Ben about how great her gramps was, and that she wishes that she could have a relationship like her grandparents. Then she talks about how they both died. Awesome.

Kacie informs Ben that her dad is a parole officer that doesn’t drink. He sounds like a hoot. I’m sure Ben, the bootlegger Jew will go over great in the ol’ Bible Belt.

Now that we’ve discussed dead grandparents and her dad’s hate of booze, it’s time to meet the folks. Ben looks increasingly nervous as Kacie’s dad talks about how he wants to protect his little girl but can’t always be there. (Um…I’ll bet Kacie was glad her Pa wasn’t there when she was getting busy in the hot tub, or cussing out the other girls!)

"Boy don't you sass me!"

Kacie goes to speak with her sister and tells her that Ben is “her future.” Sister Allison is skeptical but lets Kacie blabber on about how much she’s changed and that she no longer wants to live under her dad’s non-risk-taking thumb. Allison face basically reads “Daddy gonna take a belt to y’all when he sees this season on the TV.” However, she plays along and acts like her sister marrying a guy she’s known for a month is a good idea.

Meanwhile, Ben sits down with Kacie’s dad to answer some tough questions. Ben said he and Kacie have had a “great relationship” since their first meeting. (You know the dad is wondering if “great relationship” is a California guy’s code for “excessive fornication.”)

The dad tells Ben that he doesn’t take marriage lightly and he doesn’t want to see his family get hurt by all of these reality TV shenanigans. The dad also tells Ben that if he plans to dump his daughter, then he should do it soon. I’ll bet Ben is longing for the days of Harry Cox.

The sit-down with Mom isn’t much easier. She tells Ben that she has a big problem with Kacie moving to California and shacking up with him. She says that “her kind of people” just don’t do that kind of stuff.

Kacie assures her parents that she would get her own place in “the Californie” if she and Ben were to become engaged and that she wouldn’t be ho-ing it up by living at Ben’s place. Still, her dad tells her that she should remember that he is also dating three other chicks and that he would not give Ben permission to marry his daughter because “y’all are rushing things.”

With that, Ben leaves Kacie’s house, and Kacie feels like this little visit may have sabotaged her chances with Ben. But, what did she expect? “Them Bible Belt” parents don’t play around when it comes to their daughters!

Yes, Ben, Texas really hates you now.

The next day, Ben heads to Nicki’s hometown of Fort Worth, Texas. Ben tells us that he loves everything about Texas, including the random steer that apparently walk the streets of Fort Worth. (Is that true? Does that really happen?)

Anyway, I’m shocked that Nicki has somehow managed to weasel her way into the Final 4. She’s kind of flown under the radar thus far.

First, she takes Ben to buy some cowboy boots, and takes the opportunity to compare finding the right boot to finding the right man. Yes, Ben finding the right pair of cowboy boots is just like him finding a girl. He has to cram a part of his body into a bunch of different um…holes…until he find the one that fits just right. Yee-haw, y’all!

After purchasing their new cowboy duds, Ben and Nicki wander the streets and act like their in the middle of a bad 1960s Western B-movie. They belly up to the local saloon for a drink, and “whoop and holler” at the local cowboys.

Later, Nicki tells her that, because of her divorce, her family isn’t going to take too kindly to the fact that she’s considering marrying a guy that she barely knows.

the bachelor
"Why did I let my daughter come on this crappy show?"

It’s time to meet Nicki’s parents and Nicki knows that tonight is crucial in her sticking around. They pull up to a normal-looking suburban house, and I’m disappointed. I was hoping for some hickish ranch where her mother would ring a cowbell and yell “Come ‘n’ get it!” when dinner was ready. Oh, well.

Nicki’s parents are divorced, but they’ve come together for Nicki’s television journey. Her brother has also joined in on the festivities. After a minute, Nicki’s mother tells us that she likes Ben and sees a connection between her daughter and Ben like she’s never seen before.

Next, Nicki discusses her relationship with Ben with her father. He is afraid that Nicki will get her heart broken again and that he regrets not stepping in before she married the first loser. She says that when she gets married again she wants to be sure she knows everything about her husband. (Um..then you’ll probably want to go on more than two one-on-one dates with the guy, don’t you think?)

I feel so bad for these dads. Honestly, who wants to know that their little girl has to compete with a bunch of other bitchy chicks to marry some random guy? It’s got to suck for the fathers to watch their daughters go through this charade.

After receiving her father’s blessing, Nicki once again tells Ben that she loves him, and that she wants Ben and her in San Francisco. Poor kid doesn’t realize that she doesn’t have a shot in hell making it to the final rose.

Finally, it’s time to head to Courtney’s hometown, which is really what we’ve all been waiting for this entire crappy episode. I can’t wait to see the place that Courtney was hatched!

"Want to go to a creepy wedding?"

Ben arrives in Scottsdale, Arizona, to meet up with Courtney’s family and it’s kind of weird to see that Courtney is a real person. Seeing her in her family’s home makes her seem more normal, and I just don’t like that. I prefer to see her as a creepy cartoon character that takes her clothes off to get attention.

Courtney’s family seems really normal, which is also surprising. No horns. No devil tails. Courtney’s family sits down for lunch with Ben, and Courtney starts to talk to her family like Ben isn’t sitting right next to her. She tells them that she likes/loves him. However, Courtney’s mom isn’t convinced. They go to chat and it’s scary that Courtney and her mother have the same face and the same voice. (They’re multiplying!)

Later, Courtney and Ben head to park for a picnic and a chat. She finally reveals that she is ready to get married and….hey…guess what…the park happens to have a place where they have weddings. They head over to where a wedding is being set up and we find out Courtney has planned a mock wedding for Ben. Yeah, because that’s not creepy at all.

Kind of a sledgehammer of a hint, isn't it, Court?

Courtney pulls out paper to write vows, rings, and a bowtie and Ben starts to sweat like a virgin on prom night. Courtney, who just happens to be wearing a white flowy dress, doesn’t seem to think that this is at all awkward and weird for poor Ben. A minister is all ready to perform the mock ceremony and Ben looks like he wants to vomit. He plays along and reads his vowels, then Courtney reads hers, and slips in that she loves Ben. She also slips in a few Bob Marley lyrics. (As you do). They seal their fake wedding with a kiss and now I feel like I want to vomit.

Back in Los Angeles, it’s time for Ben to cut one of these chicks and basically make them feel like their family sucks. Ben has to decide which woman’s heart he wants to break. I can’t wait.

Ben starts to give out the roses. The first one goes to Courtney, the second goes to Lyndzi and it’s down to Kacie and Nicki. I’m completely shocked when Ben gives Nicki the rose and sends Kacie packing. I thought Kacie would be the one to end up as his wife!

Facing the fact that she may be "forever alone!"

Kacie, of course, is devastated and confused, as she thought that she would be the one marrying Ben as well. Ben doesn’t even explain why he cut her. He just says he’s sorry and puts her in the Pity Wagon. She wails “How did this happen?! What the fu*k happened?!” in the limo. I’d like to know the same thing.

I feel bad for Kacie, but at least she dodged Ben’s boring bullet and can watch his future relationship explode in his face.

Next week we head to Switzerland for an alpine adventure with the Final 3. Another girl shows up in Switzerland to warn Ben of something (and get a free trip to the Alps!)

3 Responses

  1. There was no way Ben was going to pick Kacie after her family talked about her not moving in with him. He figured she was not going to allow him “into her lady place” and he damn well knows the others sure will!!!! LOVE your recaps!!!!

  2. Thanks for the recaps! You’re much more entertaining than the show. I don’t even watch it, I just wait for your recaps.

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