‘Bachelor’ Ben Finale: Swiss Alps, Sister Stinkeye & Stupid Men

Good Lord! How many times can you stare at one ring?!

DISCLAIMER: This recap is horribly late. I know this. It is what it is. Moving on…

Well, kids, somehow we’ve made it to the finale. We should have really gotten some sort of medal for putting up with Ben the Bore for all of these weeks. Instead, we just get three long hours of crap TV. Even better.

Ben is at the end of his “journey,” and has whittled the group down to Lindzi and Courtney. He’s pretending to be all torn up over which girl he should chose in the end so he has called in his mom and sister Julia for help. We fans know that this is all a bunch of baloney and that Courtney has had this in the bag since she showed Ben her hoo-ha in Puerto Rico. At this point, I think Sister Julia has a better chance at marrying Ben than Lindzi does.

Anyway, the scene between Julia and Ben is hysterical because Julia is basically just reading off of cue cards the entire time she’s asking him questions about the women. Badly. I think she may be even a worse actress than Courtney. She asked Ben if there happens to be a girl that the other girls didn’t get a long with. Well, as a matter of fact…there is, Ben tells her. Well, isn’t that convenient?

Oh, Julia. I'll miss your faces.

Later that day, Ben meets up with Lindzi, who is nervous to meet the Flajnik clan. They sit down to eat and she’s all open-mouthed, dropping silverware and is basically a hot mess. I have no clue why this is, being that the only people on this Earth that are more boring than Ben are his mother and sister.

She tells them that she “gets stressed out when she has to eat properly.” Um…like with a knife and fork? I think you need to get out of the barn once in a while, Lindz. (That “z” has been killing me all season! I’ll be happy when this is all over, if only because I won’t have to type her name anymore!)

Afterwards, the mom hauls Lindzi to the living room for a chat. However, it seems more like she’s interviewing her for a serving job at the Olive Garden than talking about the relationship between Lindzi and her son. (“Tell me about a time where you had to overcome a challenge…”) Lindzi gushes about how wonderful and fun Ben is (really?) and easily wins Ma Flajnik over.

Sister Julia then takes Lindzi out on the deck and basically grills her about “the other broad.” I think at this point even Julia knows that poor Lindzi is only days from being sent home brokenhearted and is trying to get some inside scoop on the chick that’s going to be sitting across from her at Thanksgiving this year. (Haha, I know, I’m being silly, aren’t I? They won’t last past Easter.)

"I could be a beret model if I wanted to. So there, Courtney!"

After Lindzi leaves, Ben and his family discuss Courtney. Ben tells them that she’s a model from Los Angeles, and instantly both mom and sis both start rolling their eyes and making horrible faces. Julia says that’s not the type of person she wants for a sister-in-law. Clearly fashion is not very important to Julia Flajnik, as she is dressed like Monica Lewinsky circa 1996. (You know you still think of Monica when you see a beret! Don’t lie!)

The next day, Courtney comes to meet the fam. Ben is worried that his mom and sister already have a negative impression about Courtney because she acted like a crapgoblin to all the other girls. Still, Ben is confident that they will learn to know the “real Courtney.” Hey, who knows, maybe Ben will someday know the “real Courtney” too!

Julia is giving Courtney the stinkeye from the second she walks in. Literally, her face during this part is priceless. Her eyes are basically saying “beo-tch please!” everytime Courtney says something. They should totally let the mom and sister watch footage of Courtney being a hoe-bagel the whole season. I’m sure Ma would get a kick out of seeing Courtney shake her ta-tas in the face of that little Belize boy.

Somewhere down the line, Courtney wins Julia over because later Julia tells Ben that she’s shocked at how amazing Courtney is. Clearly stupidity (and bad hair) run in the Flajnik family.

The next day Ben has his final date with Lindzi. He pulls up in a horsedrawn carriage. (Enough already! We get it! You like horses! Good Lord woman, you need another character trait!) As per usual, Lindzi’s mouth is hanging down to her ankles the whole time. I wonder how many Swiss flys she caught in there during the course of the carriage ride?

"After what I did for you in the Fantasy Suite, you better be givin' me a ring!"

She uses the time with Ben to reinforce to him that she is madly in love, didn’t expect to feel this way, yadayadayada. Us ‘Bachelor’ fans pretty much know this speech by heart by now. It just sucks because we all know Lindzi doesn’t have a shot in hell.

Later, they go to Lindzi’s hotel and she tells him that she’s excited because “things are only going to get better from here.” Um…yeah. Once you meet a guy that doesn’t plan on dumping you on TV. And has a decent haircut. Then things will get a lot better. She tells Ben that she loves him. He tells her “good.” I would like to tell her she might as well pack her stuff now.

The next day is Ben and Courtney’s final date. Courtney says she thinks about fame Ben as soon as she wakes up right up until she goes to bed. They take a helicopter tour through the Swiss Alps. They have a picnic in the snow and Ben tells Courtney that his family loved her. “Reeeealllly?!” she cooes in what is possibly the most annoying baby voice I’ve ever heard. If she tells Ben she “wuvs” him, I’m out. I quit. I’m done.

The baby voice continues throughout the rest of the evening. By the time they reach Courtney’s hotel room, she sounds like something off The Chipmunk Christmas Album. Speaking of albums, she gives him some creepy photo album that chronicles their whole relationship. (How many pictures can three dates produce?!)

Mercifully, the time has come for Ben to make his “difficult decision.” He walks down the streets of Switzerland in attempt to find “clarity” on which girl he should pick. (At this point, do we even remember who is in the race other than Courtney?)

The next morning, the girls wake up and ponder what will happen next. Lindzi goes out onto her balcony in her PJs. Meanwhile, Courtney is dressed in baby doll lingerie. Um…who does that?  I told you she was a hoe-bagel.

Ben, on the other hand, has changed out of his baby doll lingerie and is meeting Neil Lane to pick an engagement ring out for Courtney whatever girl he chooses. He selects a ring and tells Neil that he, “can’t imagine life getting any better.” Oh, it can Ben. Wait until People magazine writes you a big, fat check to tell your side of the story once Courtney dumps your ass. That will be a nice day too.

Twigs in your high heels...the perfect accessory to any formal outfit.

The time has come for the proposal. The girls are all dressed up (and wearing cloaks, as you do). A helicopter picks them up and takes them to Ben. Now, they’re in Switzerland, so I’m expecting this proposal to take place on a mountain of glistening snow or something. Instead, they’ve got these poor girls clomping around on some weird forest clearing with weeds and stuff. It looks like a place you’d have a damn hoedown.

Anyway, it’s time for Lindzi’s ass to get dumped. I feel bad for her, but it almost seems like she knows it’s coming. She walks up (wearing a navy blue top, black skirt and green cloak…wtf?) and Ben tells her she’s great, she’s amazing, but thanks but no thanks. She doesn’t even look that bummed. In the bright light, she probably realized Ben wasn’t even really worth the tears.

She is helicoptered away and Ben takes some time to regroup (and stare awkwardly at the engagement ring.) Courtney arrives. I’m just going to speed this crap up a little…Ben tells her that she’s the one, he loves her and he proposes. Courtney gets one glimpse of the ginormous rock and practically jumps his bones right there.

At left, the man Courtney is marrying. At right, the reason why.

It’s all utterly nauseating. I’m just counting down the days until we get to see the “Very Special Episode” of the show in which we get to watch Ben and Courtney rip each other’s faces off, a la Jake and Vienna.

As far as the “After the Final Rose” special goes….if you missed it, I’d recommend staring at the wall for about an hour. It will be more fun than watching that crap.

Until next season!

(Photos: ABC)

One Response

  1. Did anyone else notice that Courtney laughed WHILE he was proposing? He had to stop to let her compose herself. Who does that?

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