‘Bachelorette’ Emily Episode 1 Recap: Southern Belle in Goober Hell

This is a very bad sign.

It’s Bachelorette time again, kiddies!

Thanks to ABC, my Monday nights once again have meaning and purpose. With the premiere of Emily Maynard‘s season of ‘The Bachelorette’ I get a brand-new season of crap to make fun of! I’m not even going to pretend like I wasn’t excited  about this season. The Ashley had her fingers crossed that the show’s producers would somehow shell out enough cash convince Emily to do the show.

Anyway, Emily’s “Quest For Love” begins with shots of her and her daughter, Ricki, playing in the park. She straight-out tells us right from the start that she’s looking for a baby-daddy for Ricki. Normally, we don’t hear women say this on television, unless it’s during an episode of ‘The Maury Povich Show’ and Maury’s about to bust out the results of a paternity test! What a treat tonight is going to be!

I want Emily to adopt me! Look at that kid’s room!

Anyway, after rehashing Emily’s previous “Quest For Love” with Womack, she tells us that she’s ready to “put herself out there again.” (Seriously, is it in the contract that every ‘Bachelorette’ has to say that line?!)

Finally it’s time to meet some of Emily’s suitors. First we meet Kalon. (Seriously? Who names their kids things like that?)

I feel bad for Kalon for having such a horrible name, but that pity only lasts a minute or two because I soon realize that he is a douche of monster proportions. He tells us that he 1) has lots of money and 2) he used to be quite the womanizer. He left out the fact that he has a small package, but if you meet someone who says that kind of stuff, that’s just kind of understood.

Next we meet Ryan, a good ol’ Georgian boy who played pro football and trains little kids. (Let’s just marry him off to Emily now and forgo this whole charade, shall we?) We also meet Lerone, the token black guy that will likely make it until the second round or so. She has to keep him through the first cut or everyone will think she’s racist. (Hey, I don’t make the rules!)


I’m sure Emily will enjoy listening to you play your Casio keyboard in your mom’s basement.

David is a singer-songwriter who enjoys writing craptastic songs about the girls he likes. For Emily, he composed a special ditty called “Emily.” The words go something like this: “Emily…ohhh, Emily. Emmmmily!” Something tells me that spending more than 15 minutes with David and his music would result in me chewing off my own ears.

Jef (with one “F”) owns a bottled water company and says that people don’t take him seriously. Um..that’s probably because you’re sporting the same hairdo as Duckie from “16 & Candles” and you still ride a skateboard to work. 

With Rikky tucked into bed (since when do little kids get king-sized luxury beds? Oh yeah, when your Grandpa practically owns NASCAR), it’s time for Emily to head down to meet her suitors. She arrives dripping in sparkles and looking like a princess. It should be illegal for one person to be that pretty.

She meets up with Chris Harrison, who brings up the dead fiance yet again. (SHOTS!) Emily says she doesn’t want to talk about him anymore because she’s ready to move on to having a minivan full of babies with whatever dude she ends up picking. No pressure, guys.

The first limo arrives and the first guy starts to emerge. I can’t help but chant “Please be Womack. Please be Womack.” Unfortunately, the producers didn’t stick ol’ Brad in there to shake things up. Instead, we meet a bunch of goobers armed with cheesy pickup lines and get-noticed gimmicks.

First up is Jackson, a fitness model who gets down on bended knee and recites random poetry. Joe is next. He comes out of the limo sounding like a used car salesman. Chris tells Emily that he prays to God that she’ll give him chance and that he feels “truly blessed” to be here. Well played, Chris! When in doubt, always bust out the Baby Jesus to get the girl to like you!

Without a doubt, the most awkward introduction is Alessandro‘s (one of this season’s Latin lovers!) Because he’s from South America, apparently he thinks that he’s automatically given the go-ahead to paw and put his lips all over Emily’s face. She looks like she wants to vomit and/or call security. I’d go ahead and do both.

Oh, yes. This happened.

Next we meet Stevie, who is a “Party MC” (read: unemployed except for the occasional kid’s birthday party or 50th anniversary celebration). He arrives with boombox in tow and busts out his best Village People moves. Please, Baby Jesus, make it stop…

There’s no end in sight with this parade of goobers. One dude brings a glass slipper and presents it to Emily (“his Cinderella”). Some people may have thought this was sweet. I, however, kept thinking that somewhere in North Carolina a stripper is missing her clear plastic high heel.

The next limo arrives and out pops John, who tells Emily that all his friends call him “Wolf.” Um…no, dude. All your friends call you “douche” behind your back. I’m almost sure of it. Another one of these goons arrives carrying an ostrich egg, which he tells Emily he will care for the same way he will care for her and Ricki. Another guy in this limo emerges, whipping his Fabio hair back and forth.

Grandma Guy
It’s a bad sign when your date shows up smelling like mothballs.

Next we meet Randy, who has decided to dress up as his grandmother for the occasion. No, seriously.

Of course, this is in reference to last season of ‘The Bachelor,’ when one girl brought her grandmother to the first rose ceremony. I see what he did there. I also see that he needs to go home. Any guy that dresses up like Mrs. Doubtfire at any point in his life needs to be placed on medical watch.

Finally we meet Alejandro, who just starts speaking Spanish to Emily right away. She, in turn, busts out her 9th grade Espanol, telling him “Yo..soy…Emily.” (I’m fairly certain she was trying to figure out how to say “I’m too good for you” in Spanish.)

After all 25 men have arrived, I’m feeling pretty bad for Emily. It’s slim pickings in terms of normal guys. The producers seem to have flooded the room with goons in hopes of creating television drama. I think I’d be giving ol’ Womack a call in the bathroom and begging for another chance if I were her.

Emily greets her suitors, and she’s really playing up the whole Southern belle crap. She’s “y’alling” and “gollying” all over the place. Somebody has been watching way too much “Gone With the Wind” in preparation for her big night.

I’m pretty sure he gave her a picture of his kid that says “Please be my mommy.”

The guys are struggling to get Emily to notice them. Egg Boy is creepily stroking his ostrich egg in the corner. Doug has chosen to go the smarter and less-creepy route: he has his 11-year-old son write Emily a letter about how great his father is. Emily practically drops her panties right there. That kid is totally getting a new Xbox for helping his dad get laid by the pretty lady.

Remember Kalon? Yeah, well he chose to arrive via helicopter (as you do). His arrogant attitude and the fact that he keeps telling people he arrived in a helicopter (um, yeah, dude. We saw you. It happened like two minutes ago) are rubbing the other men the wrong way. I think we’ve found this season’s “Courtney!”

Of course, Emily gives the First Impression Rose to Doug, the single dad with the golden letter. Afterwards, it’s time to give some of these goons the ax. The Rose Ceremony starts, and Emily hands roses to a few people I didn’t think had a shot in hell: Egg Boy, Duckie and Kalon all manage to snag one, along with Ari, the race car driver.

Finally, she hands out her last rose, and we say goodbye to a few standouts. She cut the fitness model and the guy who has six kids. The rejected suitors are devastated when they find out that they will not have the chance to pickle-tickle Emily in a fantasy suite sometime in the near future.

Here’s to the new season of ‘The Bachelorette!’ Expect lots of exotic locations, man tears and more crappy recaps by The Ashley!

(Photos: ABC; Gif by Buzzfeed)

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