Bust out your best china and awkward first-time-on-camera smiles because it’s hometown date week on The Bachelorette! This is one of The Ashley‘s favorite weeks of the season, because we get to meet the Ma and Pa of each of the guys we’ve been gawking at for the better part of two months.
Before we get to the dates, we have to first witness Emily‘s homecoming. She’s just gallivanted around Europe with her suitors and is now coming home to be with Ricki. Emily is greeted at the stairs by her daughter (who, since we’ve seen her last, has turned into the third member of Milli Vanilli and gotten weird dreadlock/braid things. Blame it on the rain!) Too bad she’s about to leave again in less than 24 hours!
Anyway, after the token mother/daughter moment, Emily tells us that she can picture each of the four remaining guys being her husband.
She tells us that she likes Chris because, “he’s always there” (just like any good stalker should be). She likes Arie because he’s an exciting bad boy, and Jef[f] because he’s “unique” (I think that’s code for weird, no?) She likes Sean because he’s a gentleman.
First, we head to Chicago, where Emily will be meeting up with Chris and his family. Emily tells Chris that she’s so happy that he’s the one planning the date and she doesn’t have to do anything. (Yes, because I’m sure you worked so hard putting all those puppet dates together.)
Chris, being Polish, takes Emily to a Polish-American restaurant that kind of looks like a Sizzler that’s been decorated with Christmas lights. They chat about how Chris was all sweaty and tearful at the last rose ceremony. The rest of their conversation is mind-numbingly boring so I’m just going to fast forward through most of it. The only part that was mildly interesting is when Chris tells Emily that she reminds him a lot of his sister. Great line, Chris! Every woman wants to hear that!
Next, we head over to meet Emily’s future in-laws. (I’m joking, of course. We all know Chris doesn’t stand a shot in hell. Honestly, are we going to spend the whole two hours pretending like he’s a real contender?) Emily goes inside and meets Chris’ parents and sisters and soon Chris’ father steals Emily away to stare creepily at her talk about Chris.
While they seem nice enough, Chris’ family is kind of a snoozefest. Chris’ sisters pull Em aside for a little girl talk and I notice that one of his sisters actually does kind of look a little like Emily (before TV and plastic surgery came into play, of course).
One of the sisters ain’t playin’…she tells Em that if she isn’t feeling it for her brother than she needs to let him go and not keep him hanging. Emily smiles nervously. We all know where this is going, right?
After the family festivities, Chris decides that it’s time to tell Emily that he loves her. She quickly shuts him up with a very forced kiss. Their lack of chemistry is so obvious that I would bet my unborn child on the fact that Chris is going home this week.
Next we head to St. George, Utah, to meet up with the family of Jef[f]. While they never discuss religion on the show, it’s super-obvious that Jef[f] is Mormon for the following reasons: 1) Um…Utah, anyone? 2) He has a ton of siblings 3) Everyone is toasting with lemonade. I wonder how the very-Christian Emily will deal with the clash of religions?
Anyway, they pull up to Jef[f]’s house. And by “house” I mean ginormous ranch. After a quick off-roading adventure, Emily and Jef[f] do some clay shooting. (I’m almost certain Emily was picturing Kalon and his stupid helicopter up in the sky when she was shooting.)
Next, they mosey over to some hay stacks to have a heart-to-heart chat. Jef[f] explains that his parents are away doing charity work in South Carolina and, hence, will not be attending the festivities. Say what you want, Jef[f] but something tells me that Mormon parents wouldn’t be too keen on the whole “Quest for Love on TV” thing, which is why I think they chose to be absent from this train wreck.
Anyway, they finally head over to the backyard to meet all of Jef[f]’s 145 siblings. (I wonder if they all have names with one letter missing too?) The place is crawling with kids, which is probably making Emily’s ovaries go into overload. Jef[f]’s brother, Steve, takes over as the family elder and starts grilling Emily about her “sound principles” and what not.
Next, some of Jef[f]’s sisters chat with Emily about whether or not Jef[f] would make a good father to Ricki. Emily tells the girls that she would “move anywhere” if it meant giving Ricki a family. (Riiiiiiight….I’d get that one in writing, Jef! Just ask ol’ Womack how the whole moving thing went last time!)
All ends well, and Jef[f] and Emily head to a mountain top where Jef[f] declares his love for Emily via poetry and Emily basically melts right there.
Next, it’s time to go to Arizona to meet Arie’s family. Just in case you don’t know this, Arie’s parents aren’t just your normal mom and pop. Arie’s dad is a two-time Indy 500 winner and is quite the celeb in the racing world. And his mother…oh, his mother. Let’s just say she looks…well…if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all, right? Consider me mum.
Em meets Arie at the track (wearing a pencil skirt and stilettos, as you do). She changes into gym clothes (while still showing off a sufficient amount of cleavage, of course) and they do a few laps around the racetrack. Afterwards, Arie tells Emily that she did really well. (Um…all she did was sit there, but whatever…)
Later they head to Arie’s parent’s castle house. I think Emily peed herself a little when she got a load of the house. They go inside and meet Arie’s parents and three siblings. Between Emily’s West Virginian twang and Arie’s family’s Dutch accents, it sounds like I’m watching a Rosetta Stone commercial.
Arie’s mom decides to start talking about Emily in Dutch, and the whole family joins in while Emily sits there smiling awkwardly. (In the words of Full House’s Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”)
To add fuel to the fire, Arie’s mom next wants to pull Em aside to chat. She immediately brings up the fact that Emily used to tongue-wrestle Brad Womack on TV. She wants to know what happened between them. (Didn’t she read the People magazine interview? Geez, get with it, lady!)
Meanwhile, Arie tells his dad that he’s never felt this way about a woman before. (Um, not even the woman whose name you got tattooed on your body?!)
Finally, we head to Dallas, Texas, to meet Sean’s family. Sean’s nice to look at but he’s kind of a big bore so The Ashley’s going to speed up his date a little. Emily and Sean discuss their future, and Emily tells us that she’s worried she’s not “perfect” enough for Sean. Um…have you seen you?! I appreciate you at least pretending to be self-conscious, even though we all know that’s a load of crap.
They arrive at Sean’s parent’s (perfect) house and meet his (perfect) family. Sean’s sister, brother-in-law and their kids, along with his parents, are waiting for them. Sean’s niece shows Emily her playhouse, which is actually bigger than my house, I think. It makes you feel really good when a 5-year-old has more square footage to her name than you do.
Afterwards, Sean tells Emily he has a “big confession” to make, and leads her upstairs to his bedroom, which is littered with half-eaten food and stuffed animals. He tells her that he lives at home still, and Emily pretends she’s thrilled at the prospect of having a husband whose mom still washes his chonies. Chris, you might actually still have a shot after all.
Not so fast— Sean reveals it’s all a big joke! He doesn’t actually live at home! Emily laughs nervously, but we all know she’s dying to have her maid clean up that mess. Later, Sean tells his dad that he’s attracted to Emily’s sweet ass personality and Sean’s dad says he’s excited to see the magic happening between them.
It’s time for Emily to go, and she bids Sean farewell. Of course, he has to bust out his trademark run-down-the-street screaming “Emily!!” to get one last kiss. Ugh. Gag me with a spoon.
Mercifully, we end up back in LA for the rose ceremony, where Emily has to decide which of her four suitors is getting the boot. She feels bad because she knows that whichever guy gets cut is going to feel like he has a crappy family. Don’t fret, Emily. I’m sure Chris won’t take it that hard.
Roses go out to Arie and Jef[f] and it’s down to only Sean and Chris. Everyone’s pretending that they have no clue who she’s going to give the final rose to. I’ll save you the suspense– she gives it to Sean. Of course, Chris is devastated and hangs his head in shame as the other guys give him the pity hugs and send him on his way.
Emily escorts him to the bench to tell him why she doesn’t want him. He says he’s shocked. Really? Really?! You didn’t see that one coming, buddy? Chris seems downright pissed that’s he has to leave, and Emily’s boo-hooing about how hard this is on her.
Chris is over it, but still goes to give her one last kiss. As one final shot to the nuts, Emily turns her face and lets him smooch her on the cheek. Ouch, girl.
Next week, Emily and the final three head to the Caribbean island of Curacao. Everyone’s in love so it will be interesting to see who goes home brokenhearted! I can’t wait!