It’s Monday, which means it’s time for The Ashley to settle down with a nice gallon jug of vodka and waste two valuable hours watching idiots exchange verbal jabs and, most likely, bodily fluids on Bachelor Pad!
This week, the gang will be participating in a game show of sorts. The night before, each contestant received a questionnaire to fill out, asking them to answer questions about their fellow ‘Padders. Their answers will be revealed on the game show the next day. They did this challenge last season and it resulted in complete chaos, with girls crying all over the mansion. I can’t freaking wait. I live for this crap.
The next day, the game show begins. To start things off, Chris Harrison asks the girls basic questions about the world around them. (Not surprisingly, poor Erica Rose looked completely confused.) Soon, the questions switch over to trivia about past ‘Bachelor’ show alum.
Sarah, who after four episodes I still don’t remember from being on any other ‘Bachelor’ show, is doing quite well with the questions, and Chris is cheering her on. Of course, this pisses Blakely, his partner, off royally. Still, she tells us that Chris is obviously still devoted to her because they’re partners who have banged, etc.
Seriously? Does this lady need to be run over with the Obvious Train in order to understand that Chris likes her as much as he likes that rash that is most likely forming in his groin area? I’m embarrassed for Blakely for being so pathetic. I’m also embarrassed for myself for having nothing better to do than watch this crap.
The guys come up for their turn, and finally, it’s time for the “good” questions, i.e. the stuff that is going to make the girls cry. They ask the guys questions such as “Which girl would be the worst parent,” “Who thought the girls looked sexy in their gymnastics leotards,” etc.
They should let The Ashley make up some of the questions. I’d ask the questions we’d all like to get answers to: which girl has the most contagious STD? Which guy is most likely to end up on one of those paternity test episodes of ‘The Maury Povich Show?’ You know, the important stuff.
Surprisingly, Ed (who is, once again, sporting his Bobby Brady flattop ‘do) is doing quite well with this challenge. It’s a nice change of pace from him failing miserably at everything he’s attempted to do on this show.
Chris Harrison asks the men which one of the “ladies” (and I use that term loosely!) admitted that she once “made whoopie” on top of a car in a parking garage. The guys take their guesses, and then Sarah proudly admits that she is, indeed, the parking lot fornicator. Her mama must be so, so delighted. I’m sure she’ll be showing clips of this episode to the family during Thanksgiving dinner.
Ed and Jaclyn end up winning the challenge, which means they’ll each get safety at the next rose ceremony, as well as a romantical date. David and Rachel did the worst, so they’ll have a vote against them at the next rose ceremony.
For whatever reason, the entire group is gossiping that Jamie is a ho-bag, which makes her go cry to Michael that no one likes her. Meanwhile, Chris tells us that he can’t stand Jamie because she’s a clingy crybaby, and he can’t stand Blakely because she’s a pain in the ass. Therefore he’s decided to focus his penis energy on Sarah. Given her parking garage escapades, she surely seems like the kind of girl Chris wants to have around.
However, Sarah’s still intent on boning Ed at this point, and is dismayed to find out that Jaclyn has decided to take Ed on the date she won, foiling Sarah’s plan to bone him with Jaclyn out of the house.
Jaclyn and Ed head off in a limo, and they wonder aloud what their date might entail. Ed says that he thinks the date will involve a helicopter. Um, sorry, Eddie. ABC pretty much blew their entire travel budget for the next two years shuttling Princess Emily around the world. You’re lucky they don’t make your D-list ass hitchhike!
They arrive at Dodger Stadium and realize that they have the entire stadium to themselves. They begin to swing some bats, and play with balls (not those kind of balls, you sickos!) Afterwards, a note arrives informing them that since they chose to go on the date together, the date that Ed won will go to another guy in the house, along with a safety rose.
Meanwhile at the mansion, Chris is tired of Blakely acting like his jealous ex-girlfriend. Because she is still his partner, he says that he will at least have the courtesy to wait until she goes to sleep before he goes through the house and bangs the closest female in sight. It’s the little things…
However, after overhearing Blakely talk crap on him, Chris decides to teach her a lesson and go bone the one person she hates the most: Jamie. Seriously, why are all these girls fighting over this douce?!
Anyway, back on the date, Ed and Jaclyn are put on the stadium’s “Kiss Cam,” and after engaging in a lip-lock, fireworks erupt into the sky.
Back at the house, Jamie is once again making her parents proud. She’s crawled into Chris’ bed, but after a few minutes, she starts to have second thoughts about having sexy time with Chris because she’s afraid of getting hurt again. Chris assures her that he really does like her (while removing her WonderBra, naturally), even though in his voiceover he’s telling us that there’s no spark between him and Jamie and he’s just playing a game.
Jamie says now that Chris’ claws have made their way down to her naughty garden, she’s sure that he’ll be hers forever! The next day she tells us that she and Chris “cuddled” all night and now she knows that he really likes her.
Anyway, it’s time for Jaclyn and Ed to present the extra rose. They’ve decided to give it to Chris, which means that Chris will get to choose a girl to take out on a date that day. Blakely and Jamie are both expecting that their man, Chris, will choose them to go on the date, but Rat Boy has other plans. He’s decided to take Sarah out, leaving Blakely and Jamie to dissolve into a puddle of tears, shame and self tanner.
Jamie goes to confront Chris as to why she wasn’t chosen and Chris explains to her that he actually did that as a favor…to her. W…T…F. This guy is good. He tells Jamie that he chose Sarah so Blakely wouldn’t get mad. In the end he actually has Jamie thanking him for choosing some other girl. I think we have just entered the Twilight Zone, kids.
Chris and Sarah head off to their date. Sarah totally looks Miley Cyrus, if Miley were older, more desperate for fame and badly in need of a facial.
Anyway, their car starts to speed up (maybe Chris slipped the driver a $20 to take Sarah to a parking garage, pronto! We all know what happens we you get her into one of those!) Soon, the car is zooming around a parking lot, and ends up crashing through a fake wall. Groooan. I smell a cheesy “action movie” date a la Brad Womack‘s 2.0 season.
A small Asian man greets them after the car comes to a halt and informs them that, yes, they’ll be filming some action scenes. They do some horrible karate moves and I’m praying that the man gets tired of them and just pushes them off the rooftop.
Back at the house, Chris Harrison arrives to inform the group that Ed still gets to hand out a rose to one of the ladies in the house. As soon as he says that, all of the girls immediately swarm to Ed, offering sexual favors to cook him dinner in exchange for the rose. The girls, especially Blakely and Jamie, are literally draping themselves over Ed, and frankly, I’m embarrassed for them. And for me, for subjecting myself to this garbage. Their efforts are useless, as Ed gives the rose to Rachel.
Back on the date, Chris has managed to get Sarah into the hot tub (I’m sure that was quite the challenge!) She climbs onto his lap and Chris gives her a shot of the Penis-cillin. Things go so well, in fact, that they decide to get a room at the hotel for the night so they can bone in peace, without having to worry about Blakely coming into the room in the middle of the night and skinning them.
Jamie, however, is back at the house, waiting for Chris. It’s actually really sad and pathetic, as she’s running her mouth about how “trustworthy,” “good” and “loyal” Chris is. Of course, the producers edit this scene brilliantly; showing Chris and Sarah getting frisky, while Jamie says all this. Bravo, guys. Bravo.
The next morning the house is buzzing (and Jamie is crying) over the fact that Chris and Sarah didn’t come home that night. When they finally do stagger back to the house, Blakely literally looks like she wants to rip out Sarah’s toenails and force-feed them to her.
Mercifully, we finally make it to the rose ceremony night. As per usual, everyone is scrambling to see who everyone is voting for, and if they’re on the chopping block. David is trying to convince the girls to vote off Nick (who, coincidentally is getting redder and sweatier by the minute). Jamie is the swing vote and all the guys are trying to convince her to vote their way.
Chris is rallying everyone to vote off Blakely, so he won’t have to deal with her anymore and he can screw anyone he wants to. It’s a complete clusterf*ck in the house, with everyone lying and arguing about who to vote for.
To save time (and my sanity), I’ll speed this up a bit. The vote comes down to Blakely versus Jamie, and David versus Nick. In the end, Jamie and David get the boot.
In the limo, Jamie is a blubbering mess, while David says that the four weeks he spent at ‘Bachelor Pad’ were the four best weeks of his life. Finally! I’ve found someone with a more pathetic life than mine!
Next week: Chris is going to get all creepy like he did on ‘The Bachelorette,’ and basically throw a tantrum when things don’t go his way. Oh, and some people are going to bone. Ho-hum.