‘Teen Mom 2’ Episode 1 Recap: Horrible Raps & Hair Feathers

“I don’t understand why people think I have anger issues!”

It’s back! Teen Mom 2 is back! 

Anyway, it’s been a long time since we’ve last seen the girls. Chelsea‘s had about seven different hair colors, and Jenelle’s had about seven different fiances since the show was last on the air.

The episode starts off with a recap of last season. Let me sum it up for you: “Well Juh-nelle, I see ya with Kieffa,”; “Me and Adam broke up…again”; “The child support isn’t for me, it’s for Isaac!”; and “I need a truck. I need a trailer. Let’s get a divorce.” I’ll let y’all sort out which storyline belongs to which girl. It shouldn’t be all that hard to figure out. (Wouldn’t it just be fantastic if it was actually Leah that was being seen “wif Kieffa” though? Sigh.)

The season kicks off just the way it should–with a close-up shot of our heroine, Barbara Evans. Babs has gotten all spruced up for the new season, and is showing off a sporty new ‘do with some fab curly bangs! (Get it, girl!) Things are going great for Jenelle- she’s taking her meds, keeping off the wacky tobaccy and even getting along with her mother.

Jenelle tells her mom that she was surprised that her parole officer watched her pee when she took her drug test last time. Babs (a former “paaaarty gahl” herself) assures her that the lady is required to do it and has no interest in looking at Jenelle’s shanaynay. Just then, Jenelle’s lawyer calls (what a coincidence!) and tells her that she’s going to “kick ass on probation.”

(I’m pretty sure Babs headed straight to the mall to get a “My Daughter is Kicking Her Probation’s Ass” bumper sticker printed for her caaaaaahr.)

Teen Mom 2 Hair
“I swear these feathers are cool in South Dakota!”

Next we check in with Chelsea, who fills us in on what’s been going on since we last saw her. Once again, Adam is back in the picture and Chelsea assures her family that they are “taking things slow” and “just seeing what happens,” which is basically code for “back to boning daily.”

I’m pretty sure last season started exactly like this. The only real change in Chelsea’s life is that she and her mom, South Dee-kot-ah Mary, are now sporting some trendy feathers in their hair. I’ll betchya Mary’s the hippest gal in her cross-stitching club!

Next, Kail tells us what’s been happening in her neck of the woods. After she hooked up with Jo at the end of last season, things with Jordan fizzled and she and Jo are considering getting back together. Kail and her friends head to the park to discuss Kail and Jo’s relationship thingy.

Finally, we catch up with Leah. After filing for divorce from Corey, Leah and her friend Kayla move into a trailer with the twins, but Leah is still determined to repair her marriage. She’s changed up her appearance slightly since last season, and is now sporting a brighter shade of blond than before. (Thank goodness MTV has allowed her to ditch that horrific Barbie wig from last season!) Anyway, Leah’s upset because she feels that Corey has given up on their relationship without even trying to work through their problems.

Over in North Carolina, Jenelle’s fixing to get herself a job. This is great news, except that the job is going to be at a daycare facility…as in, she’s going to take care of children. To show she’s trustworthy, Jenelle borrows Jace from her mother and brings him (and her MTV camera crew) along for the interview. As you do.

Jenelle sits down with the daycare owners and tells them that she should get the job because she knows how to put toys into bins and….wait for it…she’s great at controlling her temper. (Um, yeah, sure, Jenelle. You should use your ol’ pal Brittany Truett as a reference for that one!) The ladies, who obviously watch ‘Teen Mom 2,’ basically tell her “Thanks but no thanks” and send her on her way. Later, Jenelle, her stoner friend and Jace head to the beach to discuss the “la dee da time” Jenelle had in rehab.

Meanwhile, Chelsea’s trying to study for her GED when her friend, Erica, comes over for a contractually obligated chat about Chelsea’s relationship with Adam. I really can’t concentrate on what their clucking about because I can’t stop staring at the strange things that seem to be growing out of Chelsea’s hair. Is it a twig? A small pet garden snake? Really bad extensions? Chelsea, pass your damn GED test and get your ass to beauty school so you can fix that mop!

Teen Mom 2
“Baby-daddies? Hood rats? I feel like Maury Povich right now!”

Over in Pennsylvania, we learn that since we last saw him, Jo has been focusing on his “music career.” (Um…ok?) He has just posted his first music video and Kail isn’t thrilled when she watches it.  (Neither am I, but, to be fair, it’s light years ahead of Farrah’s musical offerings!)

If only he had some sort of connection with some sort of channel known for playing music videos. Too bad MTV hasn’t played a music video since Brandy and Monica were singing about how “The Boy Is Mine” in the late 1990s.

Anyway, Kail’s friend Mark comes over and Kail shows him Jo’s new musical masterpiece of a video, which features a mystery girl who Kail suspects is hooking up with Jo. Kail isn’t happy that Jo, who’s supposedly getting back together with her, is boinking some rando.

Over in West Virginia, Leah’s daughter, Ali, is making great progress with her physical therapist, and has a doctor’s appointment coming up. Corey texts Leah that he’ll be showing up at the appointment. Later, things get super-awkward for Leah and Corey when they come face-to-face at the doctor’s office. Luckily, a handsome women named AnnaGail (!!) arrives to break the silence and inform Leah and Corey that Ali is doing great.

Back at Casa de Barb, Jenelle and Jace have returned from the beach and it’s time to give Jace a bath. Of course, this turns into a big fight between Jenelle and Barbara. Jenelle hasn’t put a diaper on Jace, and Babs is scared that he’s going to pee on the rug. (Hey, give her a break, she probably just got that pee stain Kieffer left out of the rug!) 

Jenelle storms out of the house with her stoner friend, and we can only assume that a great deal of paaartying will ensue.

The next day, Jenelle calls her friend, Amber. (‘Member her from last season? She’s popped out a baby since then, naturally.) Jenelle tells Amber that she “messed up really bad” the night before. Apparently, Jenelle got her mitts on some marijuana and is now worried that she will fail her drug test.

Teen Mom 2
“I freaking haaate hood rats!”

Kail’s having problems of her own. Her friend Stef arrives to discuss a recent incident at Jo’s house in which Kail came over for some quality time with Jo, only to find out that his music video mystery lady was already upstairs! Kail is hurt, and fears that Jo’s sexcapades with the the rando are taking him away from his responsibilities with Isaac.

(I wonder if Jo raps into that girl’s ear during sexy time, rather than whispering sweet nothings? OK, I just threw up in my mouth a little.)

The next day, Kail calls Rappin’ Jo to discuss his relationship with this girl. Jo arrives, and mumbles something about how it was a mistake to have had sex with Kail (a bunch of times!) and that makes Kail even more angry. 

Kail kicks Jo out of her house, and the episode ends with everyone pretty unhappy (except for Chelsea, who’s thrilled to be taking another spin on the Adam-go-round!)

The Ashley’s a little unhappy after this episode too. She sure hopes the rest of this season is a lot more exciting than this!

(Photos: MTV)

6 Comments

  1. my favourite part was when Jenelle was talking about how good she is at holding her temper and she never yells… omg Jenelle, really? btw mentioning yelling at a job interview is like “well, we never assumed you would, but now that you mentioned…”


  2. Is it bad that I kinda like how Kail has a thing for dark meat…? Lol. I can’t wait to see how her and her now fiancée’s relationship started up, so exciting! (:

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