It feels like it’s been a lifetime since we last got to watch a bunch of girls skank around and try to compete for the heart of one man (and, possibly, a reality show of their own). If you’re like The Ashley, you’ve been jonesing hard for some cheesy group dates, and girls in bad Forever 21 party dresses sobbing in the limo as they leave brokenhearted. Thank goodness The Bachelor is back!
This season, the producers have selected the wholesome, All-American towhead Sean Lowe to be their Mr. Wonderful. The Ashley was unhappy about this for one reason: Sean really does seem like a nice guy that will be respectful and classy around all the women. While that’s great for the girls, The Ashley much prefers it when the guys are dickwads, splish splashin’ in the hot tub and trying to jam their man-meat into every single girl on the show. I sure do miss the days of Brad Womack.
Anyway, we start things off with some glamour shots of Sean. He’s at his new crib in Los Angeles, doing things like jogging shirtless on a cliff, flexing his pecs on the Bowflex and toweling off while reflecting on his past relationship with Emily, who dumped his ass last season, as you might remember. Sean tells us that Emily blindsided him and left him…wait for it…brokenhearted.
Sean heads to his parents’ villa house in Texas (which is also home to his niece’s notorious “playhouse.” Who could forget this stunner? I’m still trying to figure out how much they’d charge me in rent to live there.) While there, he tells us that he often feels like a fifth wheel when he hangs out with his family, and usually gets stuck at the kid’s table, so he really needs to find one of these fame-hungry skanks women to be his wife.
Next, Sean stares creepily at a bride and groom who just happen to be at the same beach as him, taking their wedding portraits. (What a coincidence!) Watching them (with an extremely stalker-like look on his face) makes Sean sad, as he reflects on his own less-than-stellar love life.
Sean is preparing to meet the girls later that night when Arie from last season arrives to casually chat about the upcoming events. They are trying to act like they are just regular buds, having a beer and lounging around, but we all know the producers probably had to pay Arie a pretty penny (and/or promise him sexual relations with at least two (2) of the losers that go home on the first night) to get him to do this ridiculousness.
Arie provides some tips on how to be a smooth-talking ladies man, as well as how to kiss. As you might remember, every time Sean kissed Emily last season it appear like he was attempting to maul her face like a bear would. Arie explains that a kiss is actually an expression of endearment, not an obligation to bathe a girl’s face. After that, he hits the bricks, most likely wondering if he should’ve taken the producers offer to become the next ‘Bachelor.’ (I’m sure Arie would have totally delivered the hot-tub-man-meat escapades if he were the ‘Bachelor!’)
Anyway, it’s now time to meet some of Sean’s potential suitors. There’s Desiree, who works in a bridal shop and is tired of hearing old ladies tell her, “Some day your day will come, dear.” There’s Tierra, who claims to be 24 years old, but looks like she’s pushing 34…and I’m being generous. There’s 30-year-old Diana, who’s dragging two kids behind her.
We also meet Sarah, who lost the bottom half of her arm at birth, and Ashley who first tells us that she has no clue why she’s still single, then proceeds to explain that she’s not only a crazy cat lady, but also completely obsessed with “50 Shades of Grey.” Like, creepily obsessed. Like she acts out scenes from the book most likely with her pillow. Nope, I truly have no idea why she’s still single.
There’s Kristy, who’s a model (a Ford model, which is the best type of model, she makes sure to let us know). She predicts that all of the other girls will be jealous of her. (Um, who let Courtney Robertson put on a wig and a slightly uglier face and join in on this again?)
Sean arrives at the Mansion and soon the first limo pulls up. The first girl to emerge is AshLee (yes, that’s how she spells it and yes, I’d like to hit her in the face with a frying pan for it.) She tells Sean that she’s really happy that he’s the ‘Bachelor.’ (Um, just wait until he’s mauling your face, girl. You’ll change your tune.) Jackie is next, and plants a red lipstick mark on Sean’s cheek. Luckily, the next girl, Selma, thought ahead and stuffed her bra with Kleenex. She pulls one out from the top of her dress (as you do) and wipes the lipstick off of him.
Next is Daniella, who’s doing her best to be sexy and sultry. I found her attempt at the Jessica Rabbit voice quite rich. Unfortunately for her, she came off more like a broke-down Jessica Simpson. Um, next.
Kelly trickles out of the limo and although she’s a pretty girl, her hair is just a tragedy. This is why you don’t buy your hair extensions at Sally Beauty Supply, ladies. Seriously. Seriously. Her real hair is blond but her extensions are a strange tint of gold-yellow. It looks like she scalped Barbie. Not only that, but she busts out a strange country-style rap for Sean. I gained a lot of respect for Sean for not literally laughing her back into the limo.
Katherine emerges next, telling Sean he’s, “such a hunk.” Golly gee, take it easy there, Marsha Brady! Robin comes out of the limo and has the bright idea to do backflips to impress Sean. Unfortunately (for her, not for us) she falls flat on her mug. (Not gonna lie; I watched that about four times before moving forward.) Next is Paige who you might remember from this summer’s Bachelor 3. She got the boot on the very first night and she’s terrified that it will happen again.
Tierra is next, and after showing Sean her cheesy-ass half-heart tattoo on her hand and telling him he can fill it (“That’s not all you can ‘fill,’ big boy!”) Sean makes a mad dash into the Mansion to go grab a rose and gives it to her right there. At first I thought he went inside to demand the producers check her ID, but apparently not.
Of course, Tierra walking in with a rose causes major hoopla with the other girls. (Maybe they thought she brought her own rose? Actually, that’s kind of ingenious!)
Girls are still streaming out of the limos while Tierra is being encircled inside by hungry, pissed off ladies in too-tight Spanx. Sarah, the one who’s missing half of her arm, gets out of the limo next, and Sean is doing his very best not to look at her arm. You can see it all over his face, “Don’t look at the arm. Don’t look at the arm. The arm…don’t look at it.” Next out is Brooke, who I’m fairly certain goes by “Honey” or the equivalent at the Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club. Girrrrrl!
OK, let’s stop here and address the elephant in the room. In the past, this show was whiter than a loaf of Wonder Bread. Now all of a sudden, by my count there are four African-American women on the show, along with several women from various other ethnicities. Seems kind of strange, doesn’t it? I assure you this little um, snag, had nothing to with the show’s new “multi-cultural awareness” stance.
Anyway, the next girl is Lindsay, who apparently has friends and family members that all hate her because they told her it would be a good idea for her to show up wearing a full-on wedding dress. Not only that, but as soon as she approaches Sean she grabs him and rape-kisses him to ensure she can say she got the first kiss. Sean seems downright frantic to get the crazy out of his face. She scurries in the house, while Sean checks his pocket to ensure his pepper spray is safely in place, just in case.
The last girl is apparently someone special because she gets her very own limo. They try to make us believe it could be someone shocking…Emily Maynard, maybe, back for another shot at love? Unfortunately, it just turns out to be Kacie B. from Ben‘s season. She’s the one that desperately performed with her high school’s marching band on the hometown dates. I still see her baton twirling in my nightmares sometimes.
Kacie walks in and the other girls wonder if she’s just there to give them advice. Um…advice on how to get dumped? Kacie assures them that she’s here for Sean and a few of them start muttering that if she couldn’t make it work with Ben, why does she think it will work with Sean. Um…because he’s a different person…nitwits. Have a seat.
Soon, Sean is strolling around the cocktail party, dolling out roses to whoever tickles his fancy. Desiree gets one, and some of the other girls literally look like they want to rip her liver out. Of course she’s being a total tart about the whole thing, waving the rose in their faces.
Wedding Dress Girl is all liquored up by this point, and manages to pull Sean aside and demand that he “gimmmmeeee a kiiiis.” I can smell the Captain Morgan’s on her breath from here. Sean tells her she’s, “too much,” which basically translates to “Security!”
Speaking of drunk and annoying, Ashley has one too many glasses of white zinn and is going around the living room flapping her limbs like she’s on fire. She tells us it’s her sexy “50 Shade of Grey” dance. (Remind me to never read that book, please.) Soon, she swaggers over to Sean and begins to spit and slur all over the place, telling him she’s going to tie him up with a tie. Sean tells her he has a rape whistle. (I didn’t know he had such wittiness in him!)
Sean gives out yet another rose out, and that makes the rest of the girls start to get frantic…and desperate. They’re all trying to steal Sean away from each other and have “meaningful” (yet ridiculous) conversations with him. It’s almost hard to watch.
Sarah is worried that Sean will be scared off because she’s missing part of her arm. Relax, girl, you’ll totally get a rose tonight. No guy wants to be known as the dick that kicked the girl with the disability off on the first night. She addresses her arm, and Sean totally acts like he hadn’t even noticed it before. Well played, Sean. (She does get a rose shortly afterwards, of course.)
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. (Are there even any roses left at this point?) The roses start being handed out, and the tears start to form in the corners of the girls’ eyes as they realize, in horror, that they may go home on the first night. (Not to mention the fact that they face “forever alone-ness.”) He gives out the last rose to Wedding Dress Girl (really?!) and the stragglers hang their head in shame.
Sean cuts loose Paige. (At least she’s two for two on getting the boot on the first night. That’s got to be some sort of record!) Bad extension girl also gets the ol’ heave-ho (go fix that hair, girl!) A few other people get cut but I don’t really even remember them.
We get a sneak peek into the coming season which, as per usual, includes country concerts for two [hundred], helicopter rides through snow-capped mountains, jumping off a yacht into a tropical paradise, scaling a building. Yawn. They need to come up with some new dates, pronto or this season’s going to be even more of a snoozefest than I’m expecting!